Sexual Assault Is my wife lying to me about being sexually assaulted?

[confused man]

Hey all, I am totally confused and need some clarity. My wife was having an emotional affair with a friend, someone she has known for a long time. The relationship went to far but it was flirting, social media stuff, having lunch. My wife, who has never had another boyfriend in her life except for me, is very naive. She has or had neve had sex with anyone but me. This guy, who was younger and a Don Juan type, made my wife feel sorry for him and convinced my wife to give him money... he was fulfilling some emotional need that I don´t understand. My wife told me that then, one night, he showed up at the house (when I was not there). He was drunk, came in, took her to the bed and RAPED her. My wife is quite a strong woman and obviously did not resist much but I believe her, at least in part, that she didn´t mean for the relationship to go that far. What has me confused is that I found her social media and she kept calling him her "love," "my husband," etc. and giving him money even afterwards... the relationship continued for another week. My wife went on a trip that she claimed was for another reason and ate lunch with him but stayed in a hotel (that is all I know... she claims nothing else happened, that her guy did not do anything to her). The social media shows that, the next day, the lovingly banter continued about how great the lunch was along with more requests for money. Then my wife realized that he had no intention of being with her (he was with other girls on facebook and kept calling my wife bad terms) and just wanted her money. She broke it off. But it was too late because I discovered her social media. I was going to dump her cold but we have two kids. And I took my wife to therapy because she was dangerously unstable. The truth came out about the "rape." The therapist said that my wife was "responsible" but in essence really a victim, that the guy who raped her was the guilty one, he laid a trap for her, etc.

Am I being totally duped? I feel totally deceived and don´t know whether to believe her about the rape. Do women, sometimes, after rape by their "boyfriend," seek validation and continue with them? Why would she continue the amorous chit chat and see him again after being raped? Is this a case of psychological domination, victimization, or is this a case of lies to try and get me back?

HELP

 

[Deleted member 37474]

After I was raped, I tried to convince myself that it didn't happen. Part of this included sleeping with him one time, one month later. It is hard to explain the reasoning logically, but it did happen and my therapist said I was trying to "rewrite the story."

 

[Friday]

Is it possible? Yes.
Is it what happened? No idea.

 

[Guest1234]

I think the rape is immaterial. She willingly and knowingly cheated on you. (Cheating as in, not just sex is cheating.) Don't let her say "I was raped at the end, it's not my fault!" because everything else that she did was a breach of your marriage vows. It would seem a bit odd to say "well, you cheated on me with another man but because he raped you in the end, I'll take you back."

 

[Suzetig]

Do women, sometimes, after rape by their "boyfriend," seek validation and continue with them?

Some do, yes. Because they're scared it might happen again so the "play nice" - otherwise known as a fawn response. Because they're in denial about what happened and want to pretend the relationship is ok. Because they're traumatised and going through some form or repetition compulsion. There are lots of reasons why but the real question is whether you want to be in a relationship with her and whether you can rebuild trust and move forward - only she knows what actually happened here so if you want to be with her you need to accept you might never know the truth of what happened.

 

[jade53]

From a similar experience that involved finally moving far away with the family for a job (which unbeknown to anyone was primarily so our house was no longer in commuting distance of our daughter's Godfather after learning of frequent questionable visits while he knew I was at work on the same shift as him), if you're writing about it I'm presuming you find the unknown as intolerable as I did.

I never saw him again and I don't think she did either after moving 500 miles away. However the seeds had been planted and unless together 24/7 or extremely self confident, with that kind of graffitti on the wall I hope you're mentally stronger than I was. Reading between the lines you've got a very difficult decision to make that nobody can make for you.

 

[Confused man cont'd]

Some do, yes. Because they're scared it might happen again so the "play nice" - otherwise known as a fa...

Thanks for the help. Been to therapy with her and She has accepted responsibility and realized she was being used. And she is now back with me and the kids-- back in love again. I decided I don't really need all the details of her affair.. it happened and we are trying to move on. I have bad nights of anger and it's not easy. I don't really think she was raped because she didn't fight at all - I think she is confused about what happened. She didn't intend the sex but also didnt try to stop it. She is not angry at him either and scared what I might do to him. She said it was like a bad dream and now she has woken up. It was never about sex. We have great sex. I emotionally detached from her and our relationship was dying. Now we are starting over and I think it can work if I can get all those demons out of my head. I never thought this would happen to me, after 20+ years of marriage. The therapist says she has issues because she is an orphan and he took advantage of her vulnerability. She also was giving him money. This is some pretty dark stuff and forgiving is the hardest thing I have ever had to do or try to do. I am focusing on being strong, hitting the gym and staying true to myself. Sorry for all the pain, people are so bad sometimes, so cruel but love can still heal all wounds.

 

[James McGregor]

yes, regardless of anything else, shes a cheat - get her out of her life.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thanks for the help. Been to therapy with her and She has accepted responsibility and realized she was bei...

To be honest I don't know if she told the truth or not...but if she was raped I think sooner or later you'll know. Because it's very unlikely that if it did happen and now she is "taking responsibility" and apologizing and everything is all new and great...at some point it will come back to her. If it was rape and she never deals with it as such, it's very likely that at some point it will catch with with her, and she'll need therapy for that.

I'm just pointing out the other side, as everyone is so convinced it was just cheating. It's possible she was having an emotional affair even, may be it was going in that direction, but got out of hand. And she trusted him and got so invested that what happened was just a shock. Not fighting or whatever can be a freeze reaction. So again, not sure what happened...but I think if that is what happened at some point you'll know.

When I was raped, it was such a shock that I couldn't even say the word rape out loud for like a year after. And I was so confused at what happened that I almost let a friend of his talk me down at how I was flirting and it was actually all my fault and I should APOLOGIZE. And mind you, I did fight(at first- really didn't know I was that weak physically), and had bruised and torn clothes and everything. Yet I was in such shock that I let his friend almost convince me that I was in the wrong. People can have weird reactions after something so awful happens.

 

[illusionist]

With respect to others experiences, I have been raped twice in adult life and neither one has come back to haunt me...to the degree that I've had to seek help.

Don't want the op ' waiting ' for validation in their partners future behaviour......it may, or may not show up in the future.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

With respect to others experiences, I have been raped twice in adult life and neither one has come...

Sure, I respect that. I'm just speaking out of my own experience. Also it's not that it will necessarily affect to the point of having to seek therapy, but in showing some signs of change in behaviors, sexually, or in sleep or in some other way. That has been my experience, with me and a lot of people I've later on talked to. And those signs haven't always showed up from the day it happened.
But I suppose the opposite is entirely possible too. May be my reaction was also a bit bigger because I've been sexually abused as a child so my experience is different. I guess there are no 2 people.

And of course, by all means, I wouldn't base staying with his partner on waiting to learn the truth. As far as I saw he is already staying. I just added my experience, just...for good measure, I guess. As I think if he is trying to critically think about it he should have as much info as possible.
But as far as him trusting her or not, that is entirely different issue, and not at all my business.

With respect to others experiences, I have been raped twice in adult life and neither one has come...

Oh, I realize now that I said that she may need therapy for that. I guess I felt that if she's apologizing now and taking it all on herself if she was actually raped, that may do some damage emotionally. But again, only speaking from my own limited knowledge.

 

[illusionist]

No need to explain @SeekingAfrica ....this forum is a great place to offer experiences and advice....and hopefully the op can take away what is useful to them...always useful.

Respect @SeekingAfrica .