Is Reading Old Threads/diaries A Good Idea?

[KP the nut]

Tonight I feel as if I am crashing and burning.

I have been trying to put my 'ramblings' (diaries and threads) of the past 10 months into order. It was very tough reading. I thought I was OK, managing the anxiety but tonight I feel as if I have been hit by another truck. I can't think, I can't cope.

It is really hard to admit as I have been doing well. Supporters and friends keep using words like inspiring, achieving ......... etc. I feel I have let them down as if I should continue and not fall. Maybe I should have accepted this would happen, sh*t I don't know.

Should I have left my entries well alone? Has anyone else tried re reading all of their stuff. I just don't know anymore. I surrender, flag waving.

 

[amethist]

Maybe you have just read too much in one go KP.

Remember the baby steps, they still count, even when looking back on how far you have come. One small step at a time.

So dont beat yourself up, you have come a very very long way, in a short time really. You have done so much, that others do look to you for inspiration. But that does not mean you cannot have set backs too, you always will have. Some will be small, some will be big, but you still have all your T taught you, so take a small step back and pick up again with what you know works for you.

You have let no one down, and you can cope, but take it a bit slower for a while. You will get back on track, but with all that you have done these last few weeks, it has just caught up with you and possibly over whelmed you that's all.

Take care KP, you are doing just fine, but maybe slow it down a bit for now. Get your breath back.

Amethist

 

[KP the nut]

(((Amethist))) I know you are right but I just can't see it yet. Everything is just too huge to comprehend, I just can't do it.

I will shut down the computer and try and ground. The tears are rolling down my face, it is hard to see the keyboard anyway. Maybe this has brewing since the holiday and panic attacks. Another big week ahead with lots to achieve, work, an interview, council meetings, too much.

Breathe and ground, I am trying so hard to slow it all down and failing. Be kind to myself, be kind to myself, be kind to myself...........

 

[Ted Moen]

Sometimes the intrusive thoughts and feelings demand our attention. Find a safe, comfortable place and just let them flow. It's ok to do that. It's not a step back, it's just part of our reality. The intrusive thoughts and feelings are there becauese we stuffed them when we had to to do the things we had to do at the time. It's safe to let them pass now, even a healthy part of recovery. It's kind of an interesting process. If we are doing well, we start feeling safe and in control, that feeling triggers thoughts and feelings we stuffed when we had to, we think that's bad, beat ourselves up and stuff the thoughts and feelings again plus accept their occurance as confirmation that we're not safe and in control.

So make friends with the old stuff. When the intrusive thoughts and feelings come, know it's because you are doing good. At first it's best to call a time out and find a safe place to let them process. As you get to recognize them and feel more comfortable with them the intensity will decrease to a level where most of the time you can let them pass in the background without the time out, or any real inteference with your current situation.

Take good care.

Ted

 

[Deleted member 6617]

KP...you are letting no one down!!!!!

I have tried to read my old diaries and find I just can't do it. I am not strong enough yet and it sends me into a tail spin and stirs up all the old feelings and failures and shame I have felt. That is just me though. I am not ready. I hope I can do it someday and be proud of where I have come from rather than let it drag me back. For now....no can do. Maybe you bit off a bit more than you can handle. Time to step away from them and bring yourself back to the present. Maybe read some more recent posts to help you find that positive place you were in last week.

Hang in there KP....you will come back up again. (((((KP)))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Just accept it as 'look how far you've come' KP

I have total faith in you.
((((((KP))))), + TLC :inlove:

 

[CraftyCath]

Hey KP! Like others have said, you have let nobody down, not even yourself. We all have these moments and they do feel like a step backwards but like Ted Moen said they are not if you think of it realistically. We can't go back, only forwards. The emotions will stir up occasionally, often when things are going well. We relax, let our guard down a bit and 'BANG.' before you know it crap starts to seep out. It's just more stuff to process and better out than in.

I used to have a dream about trying to outrun a tidal wave. It was a recurrent nightmare I had as a child. My siblings were ahead of me and leaving me behind and didn't stop to see if I was safe. I could feel the water droplets as this huge wall of water got closer and hear the thunderous roar and I'd wake up screaming. Now I know to let it wash over me. It feels :poop: and it is scary but it doesn't last. It rolls over us and eventually there is quiet and peace. I have a poem I wrote on a similar vein, I'll message you it.

Hold on there sweetie, we are in this together and we all get our bad days. I'm so glad that you were able to share. Don't expect too much from yourself, none of us are perfect. Expect the unexpected and it will be less of a surprise next time, more of a, 'Ah, your back are you, well you won't be here long you can just feck off!!'

Sending you love and hugs and blessings and peace and joy and...well, EVERY GOOD THING!!

Love,

Cath

 

[intothelight]

(((KP)))

Having a rough spot doesn't undo all that you have accomplished. Personally, I believe how you recognize and handle the rough patches is a reflection of how far you have come.

KP, you've had a lot going on the past few weeks, and even though they are good things, it is still a lot. Take a few days and focus on the self-care, relax and breathe. Foremost, remember it is OK to be KP and you don't have to be anything else.

(((Hugs))) and Linking Arms.
Deb

 

[CraftyCath]

it is OK to be KP and you don't have to be anything else.

How true!

 

[KP the nut]

Sometimes the intrusive thoughts and feelings demand our attention. Find a safe, comfortable place and just let them flow. It's ok to do that. It's not a step back
So make friends with the old stuff. When the intrusive thoughts and feelings come, know it's because you are doing good. At first it's best to call a time out and find a safe place to let them process. As you get to recognize them and feel more comfortable with them the intensity will decrease to a level where most of the time you can let them pass in the background without the time out, or any real inteference with your current situation.

((Ted)), thank you, I am going to take a break from reading my diary. At least until I can manage the images I now have. I have a wonderful safe place to retreat to and as the weather is being unseasonally hot, I am spending a lot of time outside.

KP...you are letting no one down!!!!!
Maybe you bit off a bit more than you can handle. Time to step away from them and bring yourself back to the present. Maybe read some more recent posts to help you find that positive place you were in last week.

((PH)), definitely more than I can handle. I need to accept that although I have the red panties I am not superwoman. This week ahead is full, everyday something. I need to diarise some recovery time.

Just accept it as 'look how far you've come' KP

((JB)) I know, it is hard to believe I wrote that stuff and yet I feel as if the thin thread holding me up could break at any moment.

We relax, let our guard down a bit and 'BANG.' before you know it crap starts to seep out. It's just more stuff to process and better out than in.

I have a poem I wrote on a similar vein, I'll message you it.
Hold on there sweetie, we are in this together and we all get our bad days. I'm so glad that you were able to share. Don't expect too much from yourself, none of us are perfect. Expect the unexpected and it will be less of a surprise next time, more of a, 'Ah, your back are you, well you won't be here long you can just feck off!!'

((Cath)), your poem was wonderful thank you.

(((KP)))

Having a rough spot doesn't undo all that you have accomplished. Personally, I believe how you recognize and handle the rough patches is a reflection of how far you have come.

Take a few days and focus on the self-care, relax and breathe. Foremost, remember it is OK to be KP and you don't have to be anything else.

((Deb)), I am trying to relax an allow my mind to heal. I went back to bed for a nap this morning as I had nightmares again and kept waking.

I will make time each day to do grounding and relaxation. I have been lax about that and my mind and body need and deserve that. Now I must just believe that:notworthy:

Thanks you for caring
KP

 

[KP the nut]

I have spent today being kind to myself, well for the most part ;).

With the England being in a bizarre heatwave. I have taken the opportunity to spend time relaxing in the garden, working on my affirmation book. I have been consiously being kind to myself and allowing my mind to recover.

I still have this bizarre feeling that I am acting a part. Acting how I think my H thinks I should react. Still confused and muddles.

 

[Mina]

Personally, I think of re-reading one's own diary as a form of exposure therapy. In this case, you've reviewed and re-exposed yourself to a whole slew of your own trauma all at once. That's pretty overwhelming. You wrote the diary over a period of time, so don't feel that there's anything wrong with also taking your time re-reading it.

Give yourself some time to un-muddle right now - sounds like you're on that track, which is good :) Then smaller, more managed doses might be the way to go, at least for a while. It's one thing to overwhelm yourself when you have little aside from working through your trauma to focus on. It's another when you've got work, relationship, deadlines, etc. Those all demand focus and attention, too; there's nothing wrong with allocating your focus and capacity accordingly.