Is Text Flirting Cheating?

[Imanju]

After I told my sufferer I was "so done" after a big fight one night, he reached out to a female classmate of his. She has a young kid and may or may not still be with the child's father. I found the texts when I was using his phone to look up directions, and another text came through, then her name caught my eye since I didn't know her. Then yes, I did scroll through their convo. (Please spare me the whole "snooping" lecture.)

In the texts he thanked her for sharing her sandwich with him earlier that day and that it made him feel loved. Then he asked what she was doing, and she said just putting her kid to bed and cleaning up, saying something about being an "old soul". Then he said he's an old soul too, and she said yeah it's kind of bad at her age, and he said something like "nah we're perfect." Then he said he wished she lived closer so they could grab drinks. Then that was pretty much it.

When I called him on it, he said that I had said I was "done" with him, and that she's just a friend from school, and he wanted to someone to vent to about us, especially since he had already asked her for advice in the past. I really don't know what to make of the situation and don't know if I'm blowing it up more than it actually is. Please help.

 

[Etija]

You'll get no lecture from me. I understand perfectly how hard it is to feel secure in a relationship. Paranoia has driven me to do the same.

I think that telling a partner you're done opens a door that you weren't quite prepared to have opened. I'm not sure how you can cheat on someone who you're done with.

I hope you work things out. Partners counselling would help you more than you can imagine.

 

[Talac]

His textibg another woman after you said you were "so done" is not really on the same level as having sex with another woman. He didn't really establish a romantic relationship with her. He should have gone to guy friends for advice or made it clear he was going to her for advice only. I could see how the texts he sent could have been all platonic. Or all romantic.

If he believed you and him were still together, I'd see it as a yellow flag.

But I'd also see the fighting and your getting to the point of saying you are "so done" as an even bigger yellow flag about this relationship.

You get to deceide if his texting another woman for advice or anything else is a deal breaker for you or not.

It's my guess that this isn't the only issue in the relationship - and you get to deceide if you are done or if the way he does things is ok enough for you as a whole.

If you are done, be done. Don't look for more reasons to be done. If you want to make it work, figure out how you can rebuild boundaries and trust from here.

 

[Coma]

I think that telling a partner you're done opens a door that you weren't quite prepared to have opened

This.

 

[Ajamuj]

Don't say it if you can't handle what comes next. Which I mean in the nicest, most sympathetic, I get like this too sort of way. Boundaries are a beloved topic around here. Saying you were done removed or at the very least blurred the lines of what is and isn't allowed, I think. Regardless, overall, I think it's PG stuff considering what was said during the fight. Best thing I would try and do is be more clear moving forward. If you're in an argument and want to remain together an monogamous but are pissed off, maybe trying something like "I am done with this conversation until we can talk calmly" or "I love you but I don't want to be around you right now", or anything else less vague.

 

[Pakafi]

I have no issue with him being friends with other women at all, and we both have many friends of both sexes. In some sense, I was relieved he didn't divulge to our mutual friends. I think what was most upsetting was the fact that I didn't know her, and to me, those texts *seemed* flirty. Then again, I realize it could've just been the fact that she was a new friend combined with our rockiness fueling the paranoia. If I put another female friend's name in her place, I don't think I would've reacted anywhere near as strongly.

 

[Abavo]

The reply above ^^ was the OP by the way.

 

[Ajamuj]

I get you on the flirty thing. For me, that kind of goes back to the being as clear as possible thing. My definition of flirty and my SO's definition of flirty are not exactly the same and what I consider cheating and my SO consider cheating are definitely not the same. So that was a conversation we had to have in regards to our expectations of each other.

 

[Oceder]

Dear OP - I can see how not knowing her makes it seem all the more worrisome. It is a good thing that you can recognize you wouldn't be as concerned if it was someone you knew. Is this because then you would feel like he wasn't hiding someone from you?

 

[Afiho]

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. You broke up with him. Even if he f*cked this woman six ways from Sunday, he was free to do that. You cut him loose.

 

[Aril]

Dear OP - I can see how not knowing her makes it seem all the more worrisome. It is a good thing that you can recognize...

Yes, I think fear of the unknown was a big part of it. With our female friends, I know there's nothing there. With this mystery woman I know nothing about, my imagination fills in the blanks and tends to run wild. He says he didn't want to go to his male friends because they traditionally give shoddy advice along the lines of "screw her" in typical guy fashion, and this girl actually gave him solid advice on how to work things out.

 

[Efegu]

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. You broke up with him. Even if he f*cked this woman six ways from Sunday,...

OP here again. I see your point. Although irrelevant now, what I meant by "so done" was just done with the conversation and with him in that moment after feeling pushed to the edge. I know I should've clarified, but the fact that he ran almost immediately to another woman leads me to believe that he already had her "on deck". Or I guess I could also take things at face value and believe that she was indeed just a friend in a time of need, hence the lingering question at hand.