Is Therapy For Everyone?

[Mrs. T]

I have always believed in therapy, but my husband (the sufferer) doesn't. Now that he has gone to therapy a bit and I have talked to his therapist...I am beginning to wonder that exactly he has to offer my husband. I do know that he doesn't know half of my husband's trauma...which maybe contributes to his lack of understanding.

T has talked about how he wants to sit down with both of us and make goals for our life, which will give hope for a brighter future. Well my husband and I are constantly making goals and plans for the future. The problem with my husband is that he cares nothing for His future. He encourages me and initiates goal making because he cares for our family. So is this still a good thing for him?

When I talked to the T, I told him that H's ptsd symptoms seemed to be getting worse. I explained that he is always anxious and having panic attacks. T seemed to dwell on whether that was ptsd related. Isn't that a symptom as well? He said ptsd is the flashbacks and such. Asked me if H was having those. I said, "well I know he has them. I don't know if he has been having them recently because he is too anxious to talk about the cause".

H has stopped therapy for now...and I really don't feel like encouraging him to go back, because he's better now that he hasn't been going, and I really don't see what T has to offer...

Need some wisdom...

 

[soulofLC]

Hi Mrs. T, I have found that Therapists are like shoes. Some fit, some don't. Move on till there is a good fit.

A good trauma therapist would be best. I have been through many of all sorts. The best ones deal with issues in a broad manner, and don't compartmentalize symptoms.

They also realize that goals come after healing. One has to feel like one has a future ahead of them to set goals. That takes the hard work of dealing with trauma and PTSD in some form.

I don't know how long he has been seeing this person, but if it is not working, try another. They are not all created equal. I have been to some that are just awful! Somebody has to graduate at the bottom of the class!

That being said, without knowing your husband and his situation, and being a sufferer, not a doctor, I cannot prescribe. Perhaps some can do self help. I just prefer working with someone who is compassionate and has a a good plan for treatment. Hope this helps.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thank you. You made some very good points. Thank you.

The one thing about my husband is he can't get past the fact that everyone is human and has their flaws. He doesn't trust people...has a problem trusting people who are paid to listen. He's also tired of professionals telling him things he already knows. Doesn't claim to know all but finds that professionals repeat themselves a lot and it irritates him.

His therapist seems ok but maybe you're right...maybe he's just not the right fit. Although I think changing therapists is a stress H really doesn't want. It will take a while for him to feel ready for that.

Is it possible to do self help? Can I work with H to get through this? No T?

Thank you again for the insight.

 

[soulofLC]

There are many books and workbooks out there on PTSD, cognitive behaviorial therapy, etc. That being said, I don't know anyone who has self-helped exclusively. Perhaps you will get more feedback from others by starting this thread.

I know how stressful changing therapists is. I have a new one that I love, and haven't felt this way about any of them for sometime. But even that has its stressors. Starting over and "catching up" the new T is always a job.

Yes, I know what he means about the "repeats." They are so annonying and usually cliches that they all use when they have nothing better to offer. I can do without those too. Just humiliating! My first clue that I am in the wrong office!

Yes, it is hard to trust people sometimes who are paid to listen. But some of them are very caring and do it to help. I have run into them, and they are still so precious to me. You just have to trust your gut on that one. Also, google how to choose a therapist. There are some good pointers out there.

FYI, some will see you for free consulation before you commit.

I think in general, men have a hard time asking for help and accepting it. A social/cultural thing for sure. I hope he finds some peace and healing. It can be a hard road to recovery.

 

[anthony]

Therapy will increase symptoms in the short-term... you have to look beyond the short-term though, and towards longevity of results.

As stated above, it is not one therapist fits all.

Also, males are terrible at actually disclosing their trauma to a therapist, especially veterans. The best and ideal solution, is the partner attends the therapy session, and with the males permission, tells the therapist all the trauma. A partner will often share bits of trauma with their partner, but not a therapist.

When a person can't share their trauma, then it's also good to write it all down, check it, then just hand that to the therapist.

You only get out of therapy what you put in.

Is it for everyone? No... some people are self motivated to help themselves more than allow others to help them, and they do a better job. Some need a therapist to help them, as they aren't as self motivated or able to help themselves.

No one size that fits all.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thank you. I'm going to probably read these replies again and put some thought into the best approach in talking to H. Also, I need to wait for the right time to discuss our options...today he is in a massive amount of pain, so I'm doubting it will be today.

One thing his T mentioned was that they have found that discussing trauma tends to retraumatize the person...so he would only discuss H's trauma if it was something that was directly affecting something in his life today, and needed to be dealt with in order to better his life today. So does that mean he doesn't even need to know about the traumas unless it comes up as a necessary feeling to explore?

I was thinking of seeing if H would want to try keeping a journal. But the journalling itself might be frustrating enough...

 

[soulofLC]

That's a hard one. Without knowing your H and his situation, it would be hard to say if he needs to know or not. The main thing is to trust your doctor and arm yourself with lots of information.

Yes, talking about the trauma can have the effect of dredging it up and causing pain. I went through EMDR therapy, which they say is too much for some people. For me, it was good. It was hard though, and brought up feelings of helplessness and fear. I was that child in the hospital again, crying like a baby. I never cried about it, even I understand while sick in the hospital.

By re-experienced the trauma, I was able to process it better. I also understood why I would shut down so often and freeze. It was not a cure, but it helped. In my case, it was a good way to get to what happened, to the feelings, as I was so young.

But again, it is painful to go back and experience the trauma. And not for everyone. This is very personal and should be between the doctor and the patient, and you if you are involved, according to the patient's tolerance for it and the need to bring it up. This is a decision that a therapist and or phychiatrist would be best suited to make. Again, not one size fits all.

I know it must be frustrating and confusing. There are so many options, and so many variables.

 

[Mrs. T]

Seems like I need to educate myself a bit more about the kinds of therapy. Thanks!

One more question: does the kind of trauma determine if it should be talked/worked through? Or the age in which it happened? Or is that as varied as the person it happened to?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Mrs. T,

My hubby and I both hate going to therapy.

I resisted my T.'s suggestions that I bring my hubby, but I'm so glad I finally did bring him.

My T. is able to see the dynamics of our communication and identify negative patterns and teach us how to identify positive ones that we can reinforce.

Ultimately, my T. is using what he learns by watching us in the therapy room to help my partner get 'on the same page' as my T. and me. Otherwise, hubby's well-meaning but counterproductive desire to spare us both pain needs to stop interfering with my facing my mental garbage or it just won't get sorted out.

Nobody can think their own way out of PTSD, I don't think.

Therapy isn't for everyone, but it could help most people if they were willing.

The symptoms do get worse in the short term. But the rewards are obvious now that we've been doing it long enough to have faith in the process.

Your shares strike me as similar to my hubby's musings on what he thinks might be causing my behaviors at any given time. He's usually wrong, when he is safe enough to ask me. But he tries. Thank goodness he's going to his own T. now so she can help him free himself from the constant life-stealing rumination and worry about me so I don't have to worry about him...which makes me more stressed and reactive.

You can always quit at any time. Why not take a 'let's see' approach, though....unless you are both satisfied with how things are, it might be of benefit to making them better.

You're being very brave already to confront these thoughts. That is something to feel good about!

 

[Tinyflame]

And I think you are brave to remain open-minded and not give up when it's hard.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

One thing his T mentioned was that they have found that discussing trauma tends to retraumatize the person...so he would only discuss H's trauma if it was something that was directly affecting something in his life today, and needed to be dealt with in order to better his life today. So does that mean he doesn't even need to know about the traumas unless it comes up as a necessary feeling to explore ...

Get a new therapist.

If this one can't walk your husband thru trauma processing without retraumatizing him, he's not the right therapist.

Yes, there are ways of processing the trauma without retraumatization. I was hell bent on taking it all to my grave as anytime the sexual abuse was discussed I had severe derealization and dissociation that caused uninhibited suicidal ideation. But, I found a program that allowed me to process with minimal negative effect. (lol, I make it sound like a walk in the park...I assure you it was not!!)

Also, it's VERY presumptuous of the therapist to say that the trauma isn't affecting him so why bring it up. The path from trauma to effect is rarely a straight line, and there are likely trauma-related issues that don't SEEM trauma related.

And I doubt this guy knows much simply based on the statement that PTSD is only about flashbacks. It's this type of ignorance in the field that delayed my diagnosis by 25 years!

 

[Srain]

I might suggest checking out:

PSTD Therapy - One page, as simple as it gets.

It's posted right in this section. I personally wouldn't suggest it's a substitute for therapy only, but it sure as heck gets you going in the direction you should be going. In my opinion, if your TT is not on board with this then you probably don't have the right one.

It's a great outline.

Peace,
Rain

Oh and your hunny is fortunate to have someone who obviously loves and cares so much for him. Take good care of yourself as well.:)