Is Therapy Making My Dissociation Worse?

[Hope4Now]

A Forum friend used an analogy in a PM to me the other day that I found quite apt.
He said it's like entering a new level of a video game.
Everything is way harder and more intense. But you're progressing.
I try to hang onto that, or the idea of an upward spiral, whenever I start to feel like things are getting worse.

The problem for me when I (as @Whirlwind so aptly described it) blew apart, is that a lot of big thick impenetrable walls came down and now there is utter chaos. Trying to find a self in the armageddon is rather more challenging than Mario's attempts to save the princess (to go back to video game analogies). Ugh.

Stick with what you're doing. In all the chaos and upset, use your therapist and your regular therapy as a predictable lifeline you can hang onto. You may still feel like you're drowning (sorry...yet another metaphor)...but the lifeline will give you the support you need to keep your head above water, until you're strong enough to climb back on board your lost ship.

 

[Hope4Now]

There's a poster child for PTSD??!!

Yeah. It's a Picasso. Or Miro. Or Dali. Or Seurat. Or some combination thereof. Maybe E. Munch thrown into the mix.

 

[miffy]

Hi there,

I'm going through a similar thing right now, I can fully understand how you are feeling. My therapy sessions are now weekly (previously fortnightly) and I have found I am fluctuating in emotion more erratically in between my sessions now. And you are right, it does get worse. I try to see it as a road to recovery, that being more emotional is a good thing because it means I am being more human, and more real and in touch with my world (as opposed to numb or shut off from reality). It started with dissociating, and this progressed to being miserable and anxious.

I'm not sure about you, but my therapist encourages me to stay in touch with her If I feel I need to. I'm not sure many therapists do this, as it is important for them to establish boundaries with clients. She does this for me because I have history of support people betraying my trust (or being unstable). So perhaps if you are feeling particularly bad, touching base briefly with your therapist might be a good stepping stone between appointments?

Good luck with your journey, and I just want to say how helpful everyones responses here are. I'm really enjoying the positive vibes this forum has to offer.

- Miffy

 

[Seasounds]

I am just wondering if it's possible that therapy could indeed be making me worse? I tried for soooooooo long to deal with everything myself. I think I was doing better before I started therapy, but maybe this is a normal part of the process? Feeling so lost, and not sure where to go from here.

Truly, I would trust you gut/feelings/intuition/demonstrated changes, and find another therapist. You are smart to notice, and not ignore, or rationalize, the decline in your mental health.

The right therapist, helps a person deal with whatever their condition is, without making it worse, without decreasing their 'healthy time'.
I learned this the hard way; go more dis-associative in therapy-as I would space out when the therapist would be too challenging, and had greatly diminished self-confidence in the world.

You are on to something, a good change. Good luck!

 

[shell]

I never even knew what dissociation was before I started therapy, let alone that I was capable of dissociating all over the place. For the first two years I fell apart every time I stepped into therapy.

The right therapist would have taught me grounding techniques, and explained it better and worked to make me feel safer before even delving into my trauma. My second therapist told me I was dissociating and to read about it on the internet. It was only techniques I learnt on this site that taught me about grounding, dissociation and the importance of feeling safe within the relationship with my therapist, and during that time I had three therapists and all of them destablized me, due to rushing in, and a lack of information.

Slower is faster when it comes to dealing with complex trauma, as the ability to learn to trust has never been experienced, and so it can become very destablizing when you start digging into why you ever learnt to rely on dissociation in the first place.

Finding the right therapist to really listen to me, and why I was struggling made such a difference, he taught me the skills to care for myself, to stop self destructing and taught me that I didn't need to rely on dissociation, as I learnt to sit with my biggest fear, my emotions. Until I had learnt to regulate and tolerate my emotions and my fears, I would continue to dissociate continuously, I was a suicidal mess in the end. It was a slow, tedious journey, because I lost so much time in the early years feeling like a failure and self destructing because I had never learnt to tolerate my emotions except by resorting to dissociation or self attacking behaviours.

Finding the right therapist to teach new skills will make all the difference on how you control dissociation, there is a lot of information on this site about it, make an effort to read more, and practise grounding, and open a discussion with your therapist about your concerns, because the progress you make relies on trust between yourself and your therapist.

 

[PTSDbegone]

@PTSDbegone i totally understand. It sounds like we're feeling similar things. I have to deal with it, but F--- man, things were atleast functional before. And now - well, now things are rough. And there's the fear that the therapist won't be able to contain me and I will indeed fall apart. It's hard to see something better when the present is worse than the (recent) past.

WOW @theshadowoftheliving that is exactly what I have been thinking. Thank you for putting it into words for me. I understand exactly where you are coming from.

@miffy Thank you for sharing. I can also touch base with my therapist during the week as needed. I just don't like to as I feel like I am bothering her. Plus I have a hard time putting words to what is bothering me. Usually I don't know what's causing me to dissociate so much. I just know it's becoming a safety issue, and I'm a little worried about admitting that to the therapist and doctor. I hate that this is getting worse instead of better like I had expected.

@shell Thank you for sharing that with me, and everyone on here. Sorry it sounds like your situation is a little similar to mine when it comes to therapy, and learning to cope with the dissocation. I often found myself in therapist's offices who were not capable of dealing with my high level of dissociation. In my experience many therapist's have said they have experience with trauma, but it didn't take long to find out that dealing with complex trauma is different. I have never expected a therapist to "fix" me, but in the beginning I think I did expect them to tell me what was wrong with me, and how I could be fixed. I truly believe this is a learning experience for everyone involved including the therapist. Everyone who walks into their office is going to be different. None of us are exactly the same. Although my therapist says I am unique I don't look at that as a negative thing. I guess I just have to find the right combination of therapy/techniques that are going to work for me.

Yes finding the right therapist is key to recovery. I spent months seeing, and talking to 24 different therapist's before deciding on the one I have now. Trust isn't an issue for me. Well it's a bit of a different issue for me I think. Even to this day I tend to trust everyone, but myself. I am going to try and keep at this, but thanks to everyone for all their thoughts, and their messages. It is very much appreciated. I am so grateful for this site.