Is there a future?

[TTC18]

It is submissive, yes - and yes, having someone else make the decisions is what I want. But at the same time I can't stand having people tell me what to do. Ah what a mixed up head, lol.

I think the treading water analogy fits me, because the water is totally out of my control - I go up, I go down, I go in this direction or that, wherever the waves take me. I don't direct myself, I just go wherever I end up. Which is why I have a hard time making decisions, unless I can figure out which way I'm going already. Once I know what I'm already doing, then I can make it official - and 'decide' to do it. If that makes sense.

I don't like people telling me what to do outright, but I am very vulnerable to manipulation/suggestion. If someone makes it sound/feel like *this is the direction we're already going in* then I don't fight that unless I really really don't want to go in that direction. Since I tend to be ambivalent about most things - I have preferences, but there's very little I feel SUPER strongly about, I tend to just do what people want me to do. I have dated people I didn't even like - had relationships/etc with people I wasn't remotely interested in, because they talked me into thinking it was inevitable. Yuck.

 

[shimmerz]

I think for me I was so damned dissociative that I didn't have any type of grasp on any type of time in any direction. The part of my brain that knew about time wasn't engaged so I simply couldn't attach to future. The past was showing up in my head like it was the present and the present? Present was trying to survive the shit that was happening to my brain and body.

Now I struggle with the future in a different way. I feel like a different person due to all the ego deaths, merging of parts and so on that have happened with me so ME seems to be still under construction. And I have no idea what this new ME's future holds. I am still getting acquainted.

 

[TTC18]

...ME seems to be still under construction....

Exactly. As I look at myself, I sit and try to figure out whether there's anything at all under all of the coping mechanisms. During a severely triggering event a few months ago, I was so head-whirling that I was freaking out. Who am I? Am I even anyone? - I sat down and tried to make lists of things I liked, and who I was - not just what I liked because other people liked it, but what really actually made me happy, and who I was - not just who I was because that's what other people needed me to be, but who I was really, deep down. I didn't get very far, haha - because I have a really hard time separating myself (my "self") from everything around me. And honestly it kind of freaks me out to even think about it - because .... what if I unspin myself from all of the other stuff around me, and once I'm done unspinning, there's nothing left? Ugh.

 

[shimmerz]

and once I'm done unspinning, there's nothing left?

This is how it feels actually. I had a day like that yesterday, which I have been leading up to for 2 months now. I was a total disaster. That's when a great T, for external reference and grounding, comes in like a white horse and knight in shining armour. She caught my sorry ass yesterday. Sunday afternoon she spoke to me as if it was no problem.

If there is a heaven, I hope that there is a spot there for her.

 

[TTC18]

Yeah, I don't want to feel like that, lol. And I don't have a knight in shining armor, so I feel like i'm safer not unspinning. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush - a crazy mixed up spun up identity is better than being nothing at all, lol.
I'm glad you have a great T! :)

 

[frogthroat]

I think my issue is that I can't see 'getting better' either. I feel like I'm just treading water, trying to keep my head above the waves.

I've felt this way in increments my whole life. I felt this way through my teens and most of my twenties.When you're going through a difficult season it's easy to not see any positives at all because you feel like you should be doing way more than what you are.
At first, progress is tiny changes. The first 3 months of therapy for me was EMDR and then learning how to control my emotions. Now I can stop negative thoughts so much more efficiently than I ever thought I could. Now it's about coming out of my apartment more and taking better care of myself healthwise. It's been an accomplishment that I can keep my apartment clean all week. I've been going 6 months now and I have no idea about the future. It upsets me too much to think about the time I feel like I wasted just trying to survive. I decided I'm not going to worry about that yet until I'm certain that I can handle it without getting too frustrated. You can't force yourself to find your calling or those sorts of things when you have a giant wound that needs to be addressed first. You have to be able to take care if yourself right now in the present before the future even becomes an issue.

 

[TTC18]

I think that right now, I'm upset because I've managed to hide this wound from myself for my entire life. I thought - I'm FINE. I'm the normal one, I'm the survivor, I'm the one who made it out.... And now, I don't have TIME to address this, heal the wound, or anything else. I want blissful ignorance back. Sure, I was dysfunctional, but at least I was sort of OK and able to function. I realized the other day that I haven't even brushed my teeth in a week. What in the ***?? That's not right. I need to be able to live my life, and be a person who is able to do the basic stuff. I need to be able to put whatever massive band-aid I have had on for all these years back in place for at least another few years. I just can't do this right now. Not to mention that I'm still in the process of finding a safe place away from my stalker. Maybe once I feel safe again I'll be able to get to where my coping mechanisms work again.

 

[frogthroat]

I think that right now, I'm upset because I've managed to hide this wound from myself for my ent...

Some people get by by the skin of their teeth for years and then one day you wake up and you realize everything you're doing to numb your pain isn't working anymore. It's a really scary and difficult thing to realize let alone take care of. It took me 5 years to decide to go to therapy and I wish I would've done it 5 years ago.
You are a survivor and that's great. Now you owe it to yourself to do more than just survive. It's okay to be upset. The 3 weeks before I made my first appointment I was a drunken dumpster fire. Trauma is really hard to face but just getting to the point where you admit It's a problem that needs to be fixed is a huge step in the right direction.