Relationship Is there hope?

[joseph73]

I love my ex with all my heart. I have known her since we were twelve as friends. Then within the last year we became a couple. We were together for 6 months as a couple. Recently we had an awful horrible breakup. Too much alcohol was involved. We argued and spoke mean cruel words to each other. She attacked physically, punching my eye and face multiple times. The police came. no one went to jail. When they left i told her "You have to go" a few hours later when she contacted family she left. I have not seen or heard from her since.

When my ex told me she had PTSD - resulting from sexual assault at an early age- she was nonchalant about it. I in turn was non chalant about it. only until after the break up did i educate myself on PTSD. I feel so stupid not doing so earlier. At one point during our relationship i brought up her ptsd becuae it could feel like walking on eggshells. I hoped we could get counseling or some kind of help. She was not agreeable with my idea and said she felt as if I were attacking her and saying she was wtong. All i wanted was help for the woman i love. i did not bring up again.

Now she is gone. (she lives in Hawaii me in Washington state. before we broke up i was planning to move there to be with her) My phone number has been blocked. My emails and texts unanswered. Last week I sent roses as a peace offering. she told the deliveryman to take them back she refused the gift. ouch.

I guess my question is this... Is there any hope? What is she thinking as she ignores me? Is she going to be ok?? I just want to communicate with her to express forgiveness and reconciliation. I want her to know i do not hate her. I want to know she does not hate me. How can I help? can i help? somedays i feel like just giving up but i cant abandon someone i love like that. is this going to last forever? I am so worried about her it eats me up every day.

 

[EveHarrington]

No. There is no hope.

She is violent and refuses treatment.

You were in the honeymoon period so now you’re finally seeing her as she really is. (The period as just friends doesn’t count. The dynamics of a partnership are different.)

You’re now violating her boundaries, essentially making things so much worse.

The best thing you can do is give her space and IMHO it’s best for you to move on given the physical violence aspect.

 

[Sweetpea76]

As far as her PTSD goes, you cannot help. You cannot fix. You cannot convince somebody to get treatment or work on healing. She has to do all of that on her own.

Untreated PTSD is hell on relationships. You guys weren't together long. Believe it or not, there is typically a "honeymoon phase" with PTSD relationships where the sufferer partner isn't as symptomatic. They're still riding the wave of a new relationship. After things settle down a bit, it tends to hit the fan. It seems like we get a lot of supporters joining the forum after 5-6 months looking for help. So basically, what you've seen may be just the tip of the iceberg.

At this point in time all you can really do is respect her boundaries. She has blocked you and doesn't want contact or gifts. Continued efforts are probably going to make her resent you more.

Personally, I'd take a step back and regroup. Think about what you need to do for your own mental health.

 

[Swift]

I'm sorry your breakup was so painful.
But...
PTSD doesn't make you hit your partner. That's violent and abusive and absolute BS. It doesn't matter that she's a woman. That's just so far over the line of "ok ways to treat people" that I'm having a hard time responding to the rest of the question.

And... yeah, you love her. And yeah. She has PTSD. Add those two things together, and if an ex-partner of mine was contacting me and I'd ignored all their calls, blocked their number, refused to answer emails and texts, and then they sent me roses, I'd be feeling pretty uncomfortable. I'd be feeling a bit, well, stalked, really, sorry to be harsh but that's the only word I can use.
The roses in particular would really worry me - it's basically saying "I know where you live, and if you're ignoring me, I will go there." Like, I'd be changing the locks and installing security cameras, making sure I told someone where I was going, catching cabs instead of walking home alone, asking my mates and neighbours to keep an eye out.

Whether that's PTSD talking, or generally being a woman in this world, I don't know.
Look, from what you've written here, you probably don't mean her any harm. You seem genuinely concerned, even after what she did to you.
But. History is littered with the bodies of women who were sure their ex "wasn't like that." Even if you'd never shown any sign of hurting me before, I'd still be worried that you might if we were broken up.

And, she was violent and abusive towards you. I can't imagine you'd think it was okay if she was a man and you were a woman. Obvs, it's completely not OK either way. I reckon you might have dodged a bullet, mate.

 

[Sweetpea76]

We'd tell any woman whose male PTSD partner punched her in the face that it was not acceptable, and PTSD doesn't excuse the situation. Neither does alcohol. Neither does anything you may have said or done. Neither does her being a woman.

That is domestic violence. You have to make a choice to draw back a fist and repeatedly punch somebody in the face.

 

[Hojay]

Second everything that’s been said, and would also add the question of why focus on what she wants, doesn’t want, did, didn’t do, rather than why you sent flowers to a person who punched you in the face? Broken down like that, it sounds like you’re absorbing blame where perhaps you shouldn’t be.

 

[Swift]

@shimmerz and @Hojay - preach :-)!!!!
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to come off as judgemental or stuff.
The OP asked what she might be thinking, and I tried to... I dunno, respond, I guess, as to what I'd be thinking in the same situation, as per the question.
This woman's behaviour is 100% not okay.

 

[shimmerz]

she lives in Hawaii me in Washington state. before we broke up i was planning to move there to be with her

I am happy to hear that this happened before you moved. I am so sorry this is a disappointment to you but there are much worse things than breaking up with someone in my opinion.
Being in a nightmare relationship with no support around you is like living in hell.
Phone blocked means communication is over my friend. You need to respect that and move on. There is nothing else to be said when one blocks communication. Best to drop it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes agree there is no hope. Her actions leave no doubt, during- and post argument.

Don't know what transpired before for context but her behaviour is abusive. And she probably does hate or resents you, if your flowers are in the (metaphorical) garbage.

But whatever abuse is, it's not love. Painful, and I'm sorry, but better you found out now than later. :hug:

 

[joseph73]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply with thoughtful answers. It is very helpful in my trying to understand. I think i knew some of these things deep down (like i need to respect her boundaries) it is just very hard to step away from a person you love and worry about. but i see that is what must happen. Appreciate the help, have a wonderful day.

 

[Sighs]

Think of it as dodging a bullet. If she hit you once she'll hit you again. And its really hard to get help as a male victim of domestic violence.

 

[joseph73]

Think of it as dodging a bullet. If she hit you once she'll hit you again. And its really hard to get h...

i have tried to vilify her in my mind for the sole purpose of moving on. it hasnt worked. But she is my friend, was my friend first and foremost. now she may never wish to communicate with me again, and that is very painful but i choose to believe she is my friend. no matter what, i will be her friend if she ever needs me. I don't believe it to be right to just give up on someone. I have a sister with a mental illness and i cant imagine how she would have felt if i gave up on her. No, to me a friend is a friend is a friend. even if i am here alone i can send her positive thoughts and prayers from afar. for now i will keep picking up the pieces and put myself back together again. one thing i do wonder, is if people who go through isolation truly understand how painful it is for the people trying to support them? it is absolutely brutal.