Is this a Part taking over, or a freeze response? Or?

[GreySouled]

The last few times in therapy, I've been freezing, paralyzed and/or mute. I probably have OSDD or something, but I just want to ask here because I need to know what's what and what's happening to me. Or if anyone experiences this.

The first time it happened, we were doing IFS and I got a sudden image with perpetrator included. I shook the image away, but T asked if I wanted to tell her what I saw. I tried for several minutes to tell her, but my mouth wouldn't open (image was not mouth-related). I kept thinking/feeling that if I told her, either her or I or both was going to be hurt. Kept mentally seeing a heavy metal thing coming down hard and filling my "vision". So I looked away and got stuck on a spot on the door. Then I got locked that way: body completely frozen solid like a statue, not even blinking, shallow breathing, but I was completely aware and present and in the room. Just couldn't move. It took her a long while to snap me out of it as she does not ever touch her clients. I was emotional and wobbly afterward, of course.

The next time, like two weeks ago, I had brought up a recent type of place that I believed to be a trigger, even though I don't really know the setting/narrative of the abuse. As soon as I said it out loud to her, I started feeling fluttery and spacey, so I said I need to stop talking about it. Then I went mute. The last 40 minutes of session was me trying to communicate and not being able to. Couldn't open my mouth to talk. Couldn't write - my brain wouldn't tell my hand to move, the pen never would even touch the paper. I was able to select some stickers and put them on paper (a "Ssh!" emoji, a "Stop" hand emoji, and a devil emoji). She handed me a container with a bunch of words each on a little piece of paper and so I tried to make some sentences, not even about the triggering thing but just to ask her to ask me yes or no questions or change the subject, but whenever I gatherered words, my brain just emptied itself out and I couldn't even do that. It was so frustrating. The session eventually ended, but she tried to get me to talk about the present, describe my keys, something blue in the room, but I still wouldn't talk. She asked if I could/knew how/was old enough to drive, which I was sure I did, so I nodded yes. I left and got in my car and sat. Didn't move or talk for another 20 mins. Started the car but nothing else would happen. I thought I knew how to drive, and maybe I did, but it's just that the brain wouldn't tell any muscles to move. Really had to pee, so I went back into her office to use the bathroom. I guess the walking shook off whatever that was, and I could drive and talk again.

The next session, I brought in my collaging stuff so that I could easily put some pictures together in case whatever it was rendered me unable to speak or write again. We talked about this trigger/Part thing, and T asked me what it looked like. It looked like a whole scene: me, perp, in a place. The Part communicated that she needed for me to 'STFU' (which is weird bc I didn't curse as a child), so we said goodbye to her. T then said she wondered if I could draw the scene (non-graphic), so I started to. Normally, I'm a great "drawer", I do portraits, they look good. This time, however, I couldn't draw to save my life, so ugly, had to do like stick figurish-type stuff. When I got to drawing the girl, I kept messing up and erasing and then my arm slowed to a stop and my body completely froze from the neck down. And I couldn't speak. (Oh, at the beginning of this session, I asked T to not let me just be silent but that she should ask me questions). So T asked if I was done. I could nod yes a little. She asked to see it. I couldn't move. She asked if I could talk. Shook head a little. Asked if I could move. Shook head again. She acknowledged that I was paralyzed. Asked if Part wanted her to stop talking about it. Little nod. She asked and then took the clipboard and pencil from me, described the drawing, noted the perp's lack of arms, said I only had the girl's head drawn, etc. I was so frozen. She put some essential oil on a tissue and waved it in front of me; didn't work. Put different things in my hands, etc. Eventually, I unfroze and managed to stand to go lean against the wall and eventually could talk about benign things in the present.

Last week's session, she started off by saying that she wanted to give the Parts a break, that she's been putting them through the wringer, and they need to rest, this is hard work, etc. Initially, I thought she was just trying to get us to be quiet and behave because she's going out of the country next month for two weeks.

So, for yesterday's session, my intention for MY session was to go ahead and get back to talking about triggering things, because I'm here to get information to know exactly what happened to me, etc. I'm always early, so I journaled in the car for a bit. (Oh, just in case this is relevant, I did eat a room temp yogurt parfait on my way to her office - yogurt used to be a no-no food up until a few years ago, and I recently dared to try online dating, so I did check my profile views in the car before journaling). Anyway, I noticed that I started feeling fluttery and had increasing chest-fear pains, feelings of unease, etc. I had to pee, but I knew she wasn't in the office yet, so I journaled that I hate this bathroom situation. (Bathrooms are a whole thing related to the abuse, according to what we've gleaned from IFS). I'm not sure what the trigger this time was, but as I'm writing, my arm stops working, brain won't tell it to move. And I freeze slowly to a statue there in the car. Fortunately, my windows were down halfway and I didn't have to wait long for a stranger to walk past my car. I yelled for her to come over, eventually asked her to go inside to the suite and ask for my T and tell her I can't move, need her to come out. Didn't take long for her to come out to the car. She got in (omg my car is so messy! so embarassing!) and chatted with me. I was frozen solid and could only move my eyeballs and talk, not even move my head. She tried to reassure the Parts that we're not doing anything serious today, instead just talk about nutrition and a new, less threatening brainspotting method she just learned, etc. Eventually, I slowly unthawed and was able to come inside, but I was probably like this for a total of 15 minutes.

All of this to ask if you guys think this is just a freeze response, or does it sound more like a Part is taking over the controls, so to speak?

Again, sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading and for any input.

 

[Friday]

The last few times in therapy, I've been freezing, paralyzed and/or mute.

That’s incredibly common with PTSD. More associated with ‘Avoidance’, than disassociation (parts) or anxiety (flight/fight/freeze/fawn/flop/etc.). But, also possibly containing elements of each; avoidance, disassociation, & anxiety, or leaning more toward any element in the cocktail.

 

[Sideways]

The last few times in therapy, I've been freezing, paralyzed and/or mute.

This is common in therapy. And usually a good indicator that we need to pump the brakes a bit. So…

she started off by saying that she wanted to give the Parts a break, that she's been putting them through the wringer, and they need to rest, this is hard work, etc.

that was exactly what I’d be expecting from a competent trauma T. Backing off for a bit, and potentially going right back to grounding and self-soothing skills, because it sounds like they aren’t working so well for you right now.

I'm here to get information to know exactly what happened to me

For me? Having specifically goals in therapy is a must, otherwise it tends to just become a bit of a circular, expensive waste of time. But the time it takes to get to those goals is something I need to be reeeeeally flexible about. Because distress, with ptsd, is very definitely going to have its own ideas about how quickly I can/should reach those goals.

All of this to ask if you guys think this is just a freeze response, or does it sound more like a Part is taking over the controls, so to speak?

It sounds like panic!

My experiences of Freeze? Are that nothing much happens in my brain. My brain gets frozen right along with the rest of me.

Panic, on the other hand, my brain very often throws all sorts of weird thoughts at me while it’s happening.

Either way? That’s a signal to work on bringing baseline stress levels down (empty out the stress cup), and refresh the grounding and self-soothing stuff so that it doesn’t take 40 minutes to get back on track.

I personally wouldn’t be looking all that seriously at OSDD. Could be. But more likely, given you’re doing IFS, is your brain is communicating with you in a way that is consistent with the therapy you’re doing.

IFS fragments the personality in order to help separate out the different, and often opposing, parts of how we’re thinking about the past and present. So, if ‘parts’ of your personality are communicating to you now that you’re doing IFS, it’s more likely that it’s therapy, rather than pathology.

 

[Quassus]

I freeze/ collapse too and sometimes can't talk for a long time after. My body won't move. Totally disconnected from my brain. The first time it happened it freaked me out. I learned over time to let it happen and to slowly talk myself out of it. Usually I start with my fingers and blinking my eyes. I will give myself a pep talk internally lol. " Okay, we are frozen again, let's try moving those fingers tips...etc" . Panicking makes it worse. Just realize it will pass and talk to yourself kindly encouraging your body to move slowly.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think that whatever label you want to put on it, the issue is not necessarily the label (labels can help but ...) the issue is what is happening and how to ease it for you.

You're overwhelmed and it's perhaps too much too fast? Your T suggesting slowijg this down is good. Healing can't be done in the space of overwhelm. It's that elusive 'window of tolerance' where the healing happens.
What you and your T need to learn together is, what tips it into this mute/frozen state for you.
And it could be all sorts of things this mute/frozen state. Disassociation. And freeze. I think they are similar things. Which is why labels get confusing.
You know what you are experiencing as you have described it perfectly. It's the label that is causing confusion? So , ignore the label as that's adding confusion into the mix. And deal with the feelings and what is happening/has happened.

 

[brokenpony]

The last few times in therapy, I've been freezing, paralyzed and/or mute. I probably have OSDD or something, but I just want to ask here because I need to know what's what and what's happening to me. Or if anyone experiences this.

i do experience something like cycling along the continuum of freeze and collapse/faint, which may be what is happening? i sometimes alternate between hyperarousal and hypoarousal throughout a session esp if the session is longer. i also spent many entire sessions of the first year frozen and mute but unsure of the exact trigger for that. possibly it was just therapy feeling dangerous and activating in general, as i had come to my T from an abusive therapy situation.

fwiw i haven't done any IFS.

The first time it happened, we were doing IFS and I got a sudden image with perpetrator included. I shook the image away, but T asked if I wanted to tell her what I saw. I tried for several minutes to tell her, but my mouth wouldn't open (image was not mouth-related). I kept thinking/feeling that if I told her, either her or I or both was going to be hurt.

sounds flashbackish? time to slow down when this happens.

So I looked away and got stuck on a spot on the door. Then I got locked that way: body completely frozen solid like a statue, not even blinking, shallow breathing, but I was completely aware and present and in the room. Just couldn't move. It took her a long while to snap me out of it as she does not ever touch her clients. I was emotional and wobbly afterward, of course.

this has happened to me. as if you are on the operating table and the doctors don't know you're awake and you can't tell them because you can't move anything including your mouth. idk what exactly is happening in these moments.

fluttery and spacey,

standard signal of dissociating, probably should have stopped here to ground. your brain was communicating with you.

Then I went mute. The last 40 minutes of session was me trying to communicate and not being able to. Couldn't open my mouth to talk. Couldn't write - my brain wouldn't tell my hand to move, the pen never would even touch the paper. I was able to select some stickers and put them on paper (a "Ssh!" emoji, a "Stop" hand emoji, and a devil emoji). She handed me a container with a bunch of words each on a little piece of paper and so I tried to make some sentences, not even about the triggering thing but just to ask her to ask me yes or no questions or change the subject, but whenever I gatherered words, my brain just emptied itself out and I couldn't even do that. It was so frustrating. The session eventually ended, but she tried to get me to talk about the present, describe my keys, something blue in the room, but I still wouldn't talk. She asked if I could/knew how/was old enough to drive, which I was sure I did, so I nodded yes. I left and got in my car and sat. Didn't move or talk for another 20 mins. Started the car but nothing else would happen. I thought I knew how to drive, and maybe I did, but it's just that the brain wouldn't tell any muscles to move.

are you saying you had the actual thoughts in your head but couldn't write them, or that you could only think of simple words like "stop," indicating slower processing?

sometimes i lose the ability to think at all--the frozen brain Sideways mentions--or my thinking becomes so slow and talking becomes so much effort that i just stop trying and "go under." like the gears are icing over. but i have also "lost" the ability to say certain things i wanted to say, when i was not traumatically activated in this way. as if i couldn't move my vocal cords, but only to say those things, even though i felt "fine." i've taken that as a sign i'm not ready to say them yet.

also.... it sounds like you aren't listening to what your body is telling you. i would not turn on the ignition until i was fully grounded. i have driven too soon after heavy therapy and almost gotten into an accident.

Last week's session, she started off by saying that she wanted to give the Parts a break, that she's been putting them through the wringer, and they need to rest, this is hard work, etc. Initially, I thought she was just trying to get us to be quiet and behave because she's going out of the country next month for two weeks.

So, for yesterday's session, my intention for MY session was to go ahead and get back to talking about triggering things, because I'm here to get information to know exactly what happened to me, etc.

why aren't you listening to your therapist when she says to slow down and rest?

I started feeling fluttery and had increasing chest-fear pains, feelings of unease, etc. I had to pee, but I knew she wasn't in the office yet, so I journaled that I hate this bathroom situation. (Bathrooms are a whole thing related to the abuse, according to what we've gleaned from IFS). I'm not sure what the trigger this time was, but as I'm writing, my arm stops working, brain won't tell it to move. And I freeze slowly to a statue there in the car. Fortunately, my windows were down halfway and I didn't have to wait long for a stranger to walk past my car. I yelled for her to come over, eventually asked her to go inside to the suite and ask for my T and tell her I can't move, need her to come out. Didn't take long for her to come out to the car. She got in (omg my car is so messy! so embarassing!) and chatted with me. I was frozen solid and could only move my eyeballs and talk, not even move my head. She tried to reassure the Parts that we're not doing anything serious today, instead just talk about nutrition and a new, less threatening brainspotting method she just learned, etc. Eventually, I slowly unthawed and was able to come inside, but I was probably like this for a total of 15 minutes.

sounds like "fluttery" means it is time to intervene and try to ground yourself before you cross the threshold into distress. have you and your T gone over what to do to ground when she isn't there to help?

All of this to ask if you guys think this is just a freeze response, or does it sound more like a Part is taking over the controls, so to speak?

i would say that there is possibly some conversion/functional stuff happening here in addition to panic and freeze. i won't comment on dissociated parts because i think that is for the evaluation of your therapist. but basically, your nervous system isn't happy. is the gist. i would say you need to ease up on the trauma memories for a bit.