Is This Abusive?

[shaky]

I'm feeling distressed because I had a therapy session during the week and think the therapist may have acted abusively towards me. I was telling her that a lot had been coming up during the week, some of it almost unbearable. She said only the amount comes up that we can deal with and I said but what about people who kill themselves because it's too much. I said surely something has gone very wrong in those cases and she replied 'well, that's a grey area. It's not black and white.' and added something else about the soul. It felt like she was saying suicide can be a good option for some people and it feels like a knife through my heart. It's hard to breathe. Because of my childhood I'm very vulnerable and I find it so hard to trust my own feelings or perceptions so I don't know if I'm right to feel upset by what she said or not. Surely it's a dangerous thing to have said at the very least?

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds more like she was trying to call attention to your thinking pattern to me. She did not say she felt that suicide is a good option for some people. You did.

 

[Jane.l]

I am hyper sensitive to everything my T says but reading what you have written I see no cause for you to worry. Suicide isn't black or white - that's very true - I agree with @The Albatross but if your T's comments have sparked a panic reaction ask her to clarify.

 

[digger]

It felt like she was saying suicide can be a good option for some people and it feels like a knife through my heart.

You need to check in with her exactly what she meant by what she said. This seems like you may have added your own meaning to her words based on your own feelings about it.

Possibly a bit dismissive. Possibly some misunderstanding. But it doesn't sound abusive from what you've shared here.

I'd suggest going back to her with it and talking it out some more there.

 

[The Albatross]

Within the context of what you posted Shaky, no I don't see it as particularly dangerous... but that isn't really the point is it? You clearly did. Jane is right that you should express your reactions (maybe write them down) to what was said and discuss it. So far as being vulnerable and not trusting perceptions... yeah me too. But I found that there are any number of perceptions that are more helpful than the knee jerk/default way my brain scanned the world too. My behavior was messed up, my perceptions and reactions were messed up, and my interpretation of events were messed up. The first reaction... most often was my hardwiring from my traumas and my abusive background. Is it for instance more beneficial to look at it a different way or is it more beneficial for you to stick with the perception about the therapy session that makes you feel that way?

Have the conversation with your T.

 

[WillyKat]

We with PTSD have a tendency to see every event, everything anyone says through the distorted lens that the original trauma planted in our head. I don't think your T said anything wrong.

I agree with the others, however, that it's important for you to talk this over with your T. Doing so will teach her more about you, and that will help her treat you, which will help you heal. Being open with your T is critical and this is really something that falls into the category of being open.

 

[Cool Cat]

I agree with @digger I too, am 1000% guilty of taking things up wrong, that were meant to say a very different thing. I dont quite get your initial message though or what youre trying to say

 

[grde]

She seems to have dismissed your concerns though. In a non empathetic way. Id be very uncomfortable.

"Your brain only brings up what you can handle" yada yada that is not true at all. Its actually why some people can't handle emdr, or group therapy, or x y z because sometimes too much comes at once.

A therapist should taper things up and down when the client needs it.

 

[Justmehere]

You felt distressed and that too much stuff was coming up and that it was unbearable. It seems like your therapist invalidated how overwhelmed you felt. She should have helped you more to manage your very real pain. Not been so dismissive. about how unbearable it is.

You spoke of those who try to end the the pain can be through suicide to try and get your point across. I think she was trying to communicate that its not so black and white that too much pain = suicide. I think she was actually trying to discourage suicide. You say it felt like she thought suicide was a good option for some people, but that is different than her actually saying it.

It is possible but very unlikely a therapist would tell any client reporting unbearable amounts of pain that suicide is an option. If she really was saying that suicide is a good idea, that would be very good grounds for losing her license.

I think she was actually trying to point out a thinking pattern in you that is too black and white and that she missed validating that you need more support and skills to cope and contain the pain you are in and all that is coming up for you. She missed the boat on what you needed. This happens in therapy. It's not abuse in and of itself, but a misattunement, a misunderstanding, and grounds to have more communication. If she continues to minimize the pain you are in and how distressed you are, it may be time to find a different therapist

 

[shaky]

thanks everyone. I will talk to her.

Cool cat this might get a bit complicated but.... I think I was trying to say that she was implying that suicide can be a step forward in a soul's journey, because I know she is a fan of the analyst James Hillman who wrote a book called 'Suicide and the Soul' - as far as I understand it (probably not much!) he puts forward the idea that suicidal thoughts are a reflection of the soul's desire to grow beyond the person's current personality, rather than their being the result of outside events in your life. I think I didn't feel heard because these feelings I'm having are very much the result of traumatic events and so it felt like she was saying she didn't care what had happened to me or if I lived or died (which I'm sure she wasn't but I was raw). I think it was not the time to be talking about the soul or anything philosophical because I had been feeling so distressed. Sorry if I'm rambling! Thanks for asking what my question meant, it has really helped to try and write it out more like this.

grde Thanks too for your take on this. I did feel what she said was inappropriate at that moment. It's good to know I'm not going mad by feeling that.

 

[Suzetig]

I think there's a big distance between inappropriate and abusive. You told her it was "almost unbearable", it sounds like she was trying to reassure you that you could handle it, even though it feels impossible at times. Possibly not her most sensitive moment and only you would know if this is typical for her or out of the ordinary. In any event it seems like she hasn't understood the impact of the work on you, perhaps it would be worth talking about how she can help you slow down the pace a bit.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I totally agree with the others - talk with your therapist. If you're like me, then journaling about your thoughts, feelings, and responses to what "you" heard her say and how it impacted you might be helpful as well for yourself and for the discussion with her.