Is This Anger Or Assertiveness?

[joeylittle]

You know, many of the skills from the interpersonal effectiveness category in DBT might be really helpful for you. In resolving conflict or trying to get something you want, there's this acronym - DEAR MAN:
Describe the situation
Express your opinion and feelings about it
Assert yourself by asking for what you want
Reinforce the positive outcome

Mindfulness matters throughout
Appear confident
Negotiate - be willing to give in order to get.

I thought I was pretty good interpersonally until I started learning this stuff :) My favorite book is The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay.

 

[Notsowild]

If you are new to setting boundaries with co-workers... their complaints that you are being bitchy might be more about them wanting the old passive you back that they can be verbally abusive towards you again. Usually when someone goes from passive to assertive, people initially push back. If they are still complaining you are bitchy after some time (not days or weeks, but months to a year) that's when I would be really concerned. If this is new for you, give yourself grace. And keep working on it. It gets a lot easier in time.

I work in a building with over 200 people. They are all used to me being quiet and passive. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I also had the incidents with the verbally abusive boss. I'm angry and tired of these cruel people and I'm trying to be more assertive with them. It just comes across badly hence the "bitchy" title.

Thanks for the non-violent communication idea. I'll go goggle it right now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It takes time and patience with yourself to redraw the new boundries. I was a bitch when I first started to have boundries with others. I had so much anger that I would blow up in overreaction. Keep on taking good care of yourself as you learn and practice and do not be so hard on yourself either. It takes time to learn life skills in a mature manner that you never knew before. Do not give up. And sometimes being abrupt with someone is just what they really need to hear.

When I first started making boundries I was met with a lot of resistance as the people wanted me to go back to the way I was. I know so complicated but you can do this.

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks @The Albatross They expect me to be the same quiet, passive person I was before.

If you pause to self examine, you might find (I did) that it is a preference for consistency in behavior. I taught people in general, and specifically family, the spouse, and coworkers how to treat me. When you change part of the equation, there is a period of confusion.
Stress leave, may mean various things to various coworkers... it is a change in dynamic and a new settling of coworking relationships.

You do though have an opportunity, to teach, re-teach people how to treat you... though kindness, compassion, leniency and assertiveness are more assistive than anger.

 

[The Albatross]

I got a vid in media on non violent communication from Nadia

This is the three hour version however if you check youtube on the guy he has a 9 hour version I have yet to go through:

[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/albums/nonviolent-communication-san-francisco-workshop-marshall-rosenberg-cnvc-org-youtube.405/[/DLMURL]

 

[freespirit13]

I had an episode a couple of weeks ago, which i went through with my therapist ..which involved the bin men not collecting my rubbish for two weeks ...I thought i could do one or two things...Just leave it until the rubbish builds up ...and not care about it (block it out) or send them an email...I sent the email...which ended up with me being very snotty and ranting on and on ...how it was a hazard etc etc ...After speaking to my therapist and explaining to her how i had sent the email and it was very rude...Well i thought it was ...She put it in perspective for me ...What i should of done is wrote it first of all and left it til the next day to send it ( so i calmed down a bit and could of got to my point sooner rather then sounding rude) ...instead of me jumping the gun and flying off the handle....Although thinking about it now ..It doesn't sound much that they didn't take my rubbish...how ever it sent an immediate explosion in my head ..of how dare they not take my rubbish...why have they left me out and taken every one elses ...they have got it in for me ..done it on purpose ( mind reading, over analyzing, jumping to conclusions) ..The stress it caused over a rubbish bin was mental, as it brought up having to deal with something and not live in my little bubble as i like to call it .....to me it was a such a big deal and to other people ...oh just ring them up ...simple but its not as simple all those little fears start creeping out ...intimidation and the judgement and the guilt of "oh what have i just done" ...but then if i hadn't sent that email ..perhaps worded it differently...then i would of got complaints from my next door neighbors...would of been a health hazard as i could of got rats and foxes ....which would of caused me more stress....just had a giggle to myself ....."That's why i keep away from people" just went running through my head lol ....Some people don't understand ...My sister is a prime example ...she argues with every one and its always black and white ...there is no middle ground with her ...no reasoning at all ...her way or the high way...your always in the wrong ...lol i don't understand myself half the time and a negative effect so many influences can have on your life ...even if i booked to do something ....it goes wrong ...which ends up being my fault because i deserve it .....sorry going off on a tangent lol to stay positive is such a hard thing to do, to feel confident and that you are not worthless is even harder ..I teach my children to be respectful and listen to other people and don't judge ...every one is different ..no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors but it doesn't mean that people can bullying you or talk to you like you are nothing and if you don't say how you feel...then no one will ever know ....So why don't i ever listen to my own advice lol ...These days i don't hide the fact that i have severe P.T.S.D ...i actually find it a comfort ..yes this happened to me and this is what it done to me and how it has effected me ...I'm not some alien with two heads ...and the stigma oh "she has a mental health problem" she must be mad ...I have found that if i open up to a select few ...they tend to ask questions and don't try and push me and go a bit easier on me ...and more then most of the few have suffered from panic attacks or depression......Gone off on one again and just waffled on and don't really know if it makes sense ...but it felt good just to say what was going round in my head lol :) xx

 

[marylouise]

Thank you so much. That's sounds like what I'm doing. How did you learn how to be assertive?

@Notsowild, I learned to be assertive by doing just what you're doing! I laughed so hard when I saw your initial post, because that is exactly what I went through. You try to be firm, people react, you tone it down (or you don't, in some cases, if they deserve it). You're clearly self-aware, so you will get there. IMHO, the important thing is to keep at it. As others have said, people may not appreciate you suddenly growing boundaries, but don't let that stop you. You need to take care of yourself - and you're doing it! I think that's so great!

Oh, also, I noticed that you said you feel a lot of anger. Yep, I recognize that too. I was terrible to people who I felt were insensitive to injustice in the world. I seemed to direct my anger into social causes. I cringe when I think back on how intolerant I was. But, hey, you know what? I went through a lot in this world, and when I got in touch with that, I was angry. For good reason! Yes, I misdirected my anger, but better to be angry than not. It was a stage, and I got through it. And boy, am I glad now that anger is part of my repertoire in life.

I do remember it helping a lot though to pummel pillows and to scream. I also destroyed a few things with my feet and bare hands. Anger is such a physical thing. It helped to have a physical release.