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Childhood Is This Child Abuse?
- Post starter yogaisthebest
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rhyskrispee
New Here
If you attend public school, you should make an appointment to talk to your school counselor. This is one of the things they are there for. Sometimes they can help with resources and strategies.
Mafia_Science
Silver Member
I would definitely call it child abuse when your mom nearly choked you. I would call it child abuse if you are hit with a wooden spoon/shoes/other anywhere besides the thighs, rear, back, or arms, or it causes a mark that stays around for more than an hour. I might call it abusive when your mom goes crazy and it's really scary, depending on how crazy.
I don't know how it's viewed in various places, but here in New York, it's not uncommon to see a parent slap a kid for misbehaving. REASONABALE corporal punishment is legal, at least where I live it is.
Would I call your parents abusive? I don't know. If they only got out of hand a few times, it would be ok to just live with it. If they normally leave marks on you, hit you in places other than the legs, rear, back, and arms, or unreasonably hit you with anything other than an open hand, I would call them abusive.
I am 15 years old. My mother would beat me regularly and unreasonably and leave marks and use threats of suicide, murder (me), damaging my prized items to scare me into silence/submission/compliance, even though I was never a bad child. This continued well after I got bigger and stronger than her, because I allowed her to and didn't fight back. In fact, she still physically assaults me every once in a while with various household items, but it's not too much to handle.
My definition of child abuse is altered and biased, since I was a victim of it myself. If at any time, you feel like you or your siblings are in danger, call a child abuse hotline. There are some hotlines that let you stay anonymous. Keep in mind, if you call someone or report it, there's a chance there will be legal action, court-related things, and you and your siblings might even be taken out of your home.
I don't know how it's viewed in various places, but here in New York, it's not uncommon to see a parent slap a kid for misbehaving. REASONABALE corporal punishment is legal, at least where I live it is.
Would I call your parents abusive? I don't know. If they only got out of hand a few times, it would be ok to just live with it. If they normally leave marks on you, hit you in places other than the legs, rear, back, and arms, or unreasonably hit you with anything other than an open hand, I would call them abusive.
I am 15 years old. My mother would beat me regularly and unreasonably and leave marks and use threats of suicide, murder (me), damaging my prized items to scare me into silence/submission/compliance, even though I was never a bad child. This continued well after I got bigger and stronger than her, because I allowed her to and didn't fight back. In fact, she still physically assaults me every once in a while with various household items, but it's not too much to handle.
My definition of child abuse is altered and biased, since I was a victim of it myself. If at any time, you feel like you or your siblings are in danger, call a child abuse hotline. There are some hotlines that let you stay anonymous. Keep in mind, if you call someone or report it, there's a chance there will be legal action, court-related things, and you and your siblings might even be taken out of your home.
Hi Yoga,
Yes, it is abuse, and 'normal' doesn't make something right, regardless of one's origins & whereabouts.
Basically saying, your father is hiding behind a culture and excuses to be a coward, and the shame is on him, you don't deserve being treated this dishonorably for whichever imagined transgressions. That choice to beat a child is people's to make, cultures do not make that choice for abusers.
Yes, it is abuse, and 'normal' doesn't make something right, regardless of one's origins & whereabouts.
Basically saying, your father is hiding behind a culture and excuses to be a coward, and the shame is on him, you don't deserve being treated this dishonorably for whichever imagined transgressions. That choice to beat a child is people's to make, cultures do not make that choice for abusers.
You do NOT deserve abuse either.:hug:
Corporal punishment is more common and acceptable in certain cultures (not only Pakistan at all) and I think has been acceptable in all cultures at some point. But it sounds to me like even your friends don't see what your parents are doing as acceptable or normal. There tend to be different levels of intervention that are usual when it isn't normal or acceptable in any culture but that doesn't change whether or not it's wrong.
Where it is legal there are usually a few rules that guide the way it needs to be done. It shouldn't be about causing pain and there should definitely not be any physical harm. No bruises, marks etc. usually only an open hand on a bottom or arm. It should never be done to express anger and rage for the person and never ever be out of control. Some people label any physical contact with a child as abuse but although I disagree with anyone using physical contact on children I don't see it that way. I light smack on a childs bottom when they try to run into traffic may not be ideal but I don't see it as abuse. What you describe is abuse no matter what way you look at it.
I also wanted to say that something being socially acceptable or legal doesn't in any way mean that the victim somehow isn't going to harmed by it or that it isn't terribly wrong. Look at times in the past or present in some places where race has been used to physically assault or even kill people. The harm that is done to us when someone threatens to harm us or harms us in any way is always legitimate and always real. And that harm is much worse for many reasons when we are children and it is our parents doing the harm.
Your parents are acting as they do because of their own reasons. Possibly because they were treated the same way as children or because they have unresolved rage inside them and are using you and siblings as a way of releasing it. But this isn't your fault. No harm they have ever done to you is your fault. It is their own responsibility and is about them.
You feel loyal to your parents and your culture but I hope you can just allow yourself to feel what you feel. It doesn't take away any of that loyalty. These are two separate things. I am sorry for the abuse you and your siblings are suffering.
Where it is legal there are usually a few rules that guide the way it needs to be done. It shouldn't be about causing pain and there should definitely not be any physical harm. No bruises, marks etc. usually only an open hand on a bottom or arm. It should never be done to express anger and rage for the person and never ever be out of control. Some people label any physical contact with a child as abuse but although I disagree with anyone using physical contact on children I don't see it that way. I light smack on a childs bottom when they try to run into traffic may not be ideal but I don't see it as abuse. What you describe is abuse no matter what way you look at it.
I also wanted to say that something being socially acceptable or legal doesn't in any way mean that the victim somehow isn't going to harmed by it or that it isn't terribly wrong. Look at times in the past or present in some places where race has been used to physically assault or even kill people. The harm that is done to us when someone threatens to harm us or harms us in any way is always legitimate and always real. And that harm is much worse for many reasons when we are children and it is our parents doing the harm.
Your parents are acting as they do because of their own reasons. Possibly because they were treated the same way as children or because they have unresolved rage inside them and are using you and siblings as a way of releasing it. But this isn't your fault. No harm they have ever done to you is your fault. It is their own responsibility and is about them.
You feel loyal to your parents and your culture but I hope you can just allow yourself to feel what you feel. It doesn't take away any of that loyalty. These are two separate things. I am sorry for the abuse you and your siblings are suffering.
Neverthesame
Diamond Member
Whoever you are, bravo. Perfectly said.
Zurrealx98
Bronze Member
To me, that does sound like child abuse. It doesn't matter if it is culturally acceptable to beat your child.
Being an American born Pakistani myself, I grew up in a very similar situation- my mom would also hit me and push me around and put her hands around my neck and scratch me and pull my hair etc.. The thing is until recently I never really acknowledged that the way she was acting was considered abusive. I am 18 by the way. It kind of feels like the older you get the more you realize how, to be frank, screwed up their behavior is. Seriously, I remember her hitting me and screaming at me for hugging her (when I was really little- maybe like 4 or 5) because it annoyed her. I also recall one incident where my mother barged into the bathroom as I was showering, pulled me out/pushed me against the wall and began to hit me just because I had woken up late for school. At the time I didn't think that this was normal, but I also didn't register it as child abuse. She was also very verbally and emotionally abusive but that's a whole other thing that I'm not going to get into.
But I was fortunate that my father, on the other hand, was a rather normal parent. If he saw my mother hitting us he would intervene and he never hit us himself. He wasn't a perfect parent...being in a relationship with a woman that made his life incredibly difficult and that he honestly hated, of course, wasn't good for his own mental state. On top of that, he had financial troubles and other difficulties, so he of course occasionally lost his cool and yelled or said things that were emotionally damaging. My parents are getting divorced though so I am thankful that my father is finally making it so that I don't have to see my mother again.
Anyways, sorry that I sort of rambled on. In my experience, I find that dysfunctional familial relationships are INCREDIBLY common in the Pakistani/Asian community. The thing is, in some communities abuse is swept under the rug so often and is so normalized that people get desensitized to it. And it's so unfortunate because that's what makes it so difficult to acknowledge that what you are going through is abuse. A parent losing control and physically assaulting you is never okay. A slap on the arm here and there when you do something wrong is one thing. But beating your child to the point that they are scared of you and hate you is absolutely not okay. On the bright side, this is changing and we are progressing as people become more knowledgeable.
That's why I never plan to beat my kids- just give them a stern talking to when they misbehave like my father did. The reason your parents are like that is probably because that's what their parents were like. The cycle of abuse is hard to beat but is so necessary to change this practice.
Being an American born Pakistani myself, I grew up in a very similar situation- my mom would also hit me and push me around and put her hands around my neck and scratch me and pull my hair etc.. The thing is until recently I never really acknowledged that the way she was acting was considered abusive. I am 18 by the way. It kind of feels like the older you get the more you realize how, to be frank, screwed up their behavior is. Seriously, I remember her hitting me and screaming at me for hugging her (when I was really little- maybe like 4 or 5) because it annoyed her. I also recall one incident where my mother barged into the bathroom as I was showering, pulled me out/pushed me against the wall and began to hit me just because I had woken up late for school. At the time I didn't think that this was normal, but I also didn't register it as child abuse. She was also very verbally and emotionally abusive but that's a whole other thing that I'm not going to get into.
But I was fortunate that my father, on the other hand, was a rather normal parent. If he saw my mother hitting us he would intervene and he never hit us himself. He wasn't a perfect parent...being in a relationship with a woman that made his life incredibly difficult and that he honestly hated, of course, wasn't good for his own mental state. On top of that, he had financial troubles and other difficulties, so he of course occasionally lost his cool and yelled or said things that were emotionally damaging. My parents are getting divorced though so I am thankful that my father is finally making it so that I don't have to see my mother again.
Anyways, sorry that I sort of rambled on. In my experience, I find that dysfunctional familial relationships are INCREDIBLY common in the Pakistani/Asian community. The thing is, in some communities abuse is swept under the rug so often and is so normalized that people get desensitized to it. And it's so unfortunate because that's what makes it so difficult to acknowledge that what you are going through is abuse. A parent losing control and physically assaulting you is never okay. A slap on the arm here and there when you do something wrong is one thing. But beating your child to the point that they are scared of you and hate you is absolutely not okay. On the bright side, this is changing and we are progressing as people become more knowledgeable.
That's why I never plan to beat my kids- just give them a stern talking to when they misbehave like my father did. The reason your parents are like that is probably because that's what their parents were like. The cycle of abuse is hard to beat but is so necessary to change this practice.
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lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Stick with that without the quotes. I cant have children but i grew up with this thought and have had children in my care and learned that even up to teenage years, you can disapline successfully without hitting at all (including spanking) and have yet to even spank a child.
As in respect to child abuse, thats subjective. Id say yes, 100%, most specially with anything like shoes or spoons or any other object besides hand on butt. Even normal spanking i call uncalled for but thats me and im not about to tell people how to disapline their children, most especially when legal.
Its rough still being in that but please hear me when I tell you that you are not a bad child and even if you do bad things, you do not deserve that at all. :hug:s
@yogaisthebest
I am a survivor who was beaten with a leather belt (with a frayed end to it so it hurt more) until I either blacked out or dissociated, I don't know for sure, the memory just gets blurry and black. Luckily the beltings weren't too often but he (dad) often lost control when giving them and taunted/mocked me while beating me saying "I won't stop until you stop crying."
It went in for what felt like days. All sense of time slowed down and I just thought I wanted to d*e.
I was also choked! Very terrifying thing to have happen (even if she didn't follow all the way through). So sorry you can relate to that terror.
I was also physically and mentally t*rtured in ways I won't get into here. There was also other types of abuse that happened too but this was the physical stuff that happened as that's what your post was about.
I can say that what you experienced was definitely abuse. My parents lost control semi-often.
I too do NOT want to spank my children (when/if I ever have any). I just don't know if it's necessary.
I also really just am very traumatized from the things they they (my parents, my grandparents and aunts, the private school, the church) did to me. There were so many bad things. Severe psychological abuse and other things... Yeah... :-/ I think a lot of them lost control often. It's scary. Being surrounded by such hostility and hate.
Also I agree with what other members have said. You seem to be minimizing your experience(s). It's something I do all too much. It's a deep rut to get out of. But once you see that you were harmed you can take steps to begin healing that! You deserve to call it like it is. But it takes time. It's difficult to acknowledge and accept things sometimes.
Support to you. Feel free to PM me if you want to. You are not alone. <3
I am a survivor who was beaten with a leather belt (with a frayed end to it so it hurt more) until I either blacked out or dissociated, I don't know for sure, the memory just gets blurry and black. Luckily the beltings weren't too often but he (dad) often lost control when giving them and taunted/mocked me while beating me saying "I won't stop until you stop crying."
It went in for what felt like days. All sense of time slowed down and I just thought I wanted to d*e.
I was also choked! Very terrifying thing to have happen (even if she didn't follow all the way through). So sorry you can relate to that terror.
I was also physically and mentally t*rtured in ways I won't get into here. There was also other types of abuse that happened too but this was the physical stuff that happened as that's what your post was about.
I can say that what you experienced was definitely abuse. My parents lost control semi-often.
I too do NOT want to spank my children (when/if I ever have any). I just don't know if it's necessary.
I also really just am very traumatized from the things they they (my parents, my grandparents and aunts, the private school, the church) did to me. There were so many bad things. Severe psychological abuse and other things... Yeah... :-/ I think a lot of them lost control often. It's scary. Being surrounded by such hostility and hate.
Also I agree with what other members have said. You seem to be minimizing your experience(s). It's something I do all too much. It's a deep rut to get out of. But once you see that you were harmed you can take steps to begin healing that! You deserve to call it like it is. But it takes time. It's difficult to acknowledge and accept things sometimes.
Support to you. Feel free to PM me if you want to. You are not alone. <3
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