Relationship Is This Considered The Usual?

[redsandy]

I am behind the 8 ball so to speak but who has ptsd, him or you?

Well I guess I'm suffering as a result of his behaviours and may well have it brought up during my counselling
Ptsd has been pointed out by the padre as a reason for some of his actions, but as of yet he won't acknowledge his actions and won't acknowledge he may be 'stuffing down and avoiding'

 

[Rumors]

Ok... I am assuming you have looked up the criteria for ptsd? You want to receive the right help so I would urge you to ease on in to therapy and let someone help you with that. Thing is, you don't want to assume you have ptsd and take that on unless you are diagnosed. Is he a shit and do you deserve to have someone who appreciates you and respects you, ABSOLUTELY! Does his behavior constitute you having ptsd? Probably not unless he has threatened to kill you or beats you or you have some life threatening altercation with him. Does that make it less hurtful, NO! You deserve so much better than what he is giving you and that experience is most definitely traumatic but please go speak with a therapist to get a diagnosis. If you have ptsd, it isn't something that you can just "manage" without learning some skills... You definitely deserve more than what he is offering you right now and it is ok for you to tell him what you need from him and then move forward. Best wishes!!!

 

[Bloomy]

I think that you are all to understanding towards such a louzy treatment of your self. You are going way to far to serve him by trying to understand him.
I mean - I know Im not a good realtionship person. I have severe issues related to trauma. But despite that Im well aware of what I can cause to others and take my proper responsibility atleast eventually. This guys - your guy - seems like he lost it completely. I find what you write about him scary. To go to a isolated place with him would freak me totally out on the base of what you have written. All my alarm bells is on full.
Im also left to wonder - what was it about him that made you fall in love in the first place? What good qualities did he represent to you?

And to not misunderstand - Im not saying these things to shame you or to offend you, but its a genuine care for you that you deserve so much better then a guy that cant even appreciate getting married to you, but instead behave like a grumpy kiddo and hide you from the world to see.

 

[redsandy]

Ok... I am assuming you have looked up the criteria for ptsd? You want to receive the right help so I wo...

Hi :)
I've been saying for a long time I deserve better - he takes it personally, as an attack. I've detailed over and over what I need, he just looks through me.
He isn't sleeping, he has started to stammer, he becomes irritated easily, he has sweats, he has started to refer to Iraq and Afghanistan, he zones out - he projects onto me,,,,, he is secretive, evasive -- padre says it seems like ptsd, I don't know.
And I'm not assuming I have it either - I'm just being open to all things, I'm definitely upset though.
And I'm so very grateful for your care,,, I'm feeling your generosity all the way from here :)

 

[redsandy]

I think that you are all to understanding towards such a louzy treatment of your self. You are going way...

Why did I fall in love with him?
Because he is mine
Because I have known him since I was 12, and he came back to me after I let him go many years ago
Because when he came back he was kind, attentive, considerate, fun, lively and very handsome
Because he made me feel like the only girl in the world - because I'm his best girl
And I stay because he stole my heart
But just now, I can't see my man - I see a heartless machine
I can literally see a death in his eyes
But,,, he's fine with everyone else.
I'm waiting for my man to return,, and looking for ways to cope in the meantime.
This place and you guys are a God send to me - I am thankful
X
Ps - my love is fierce and loyal, and ptsd is a whore, and if she is taking my man and trying to ruin my marriage then you can bet your ass I will fight her right along side him
Hell hath no fury like an infantry wife ;)

And that's why,,, because I honour my promises, and I live up to my name,,, which means 'defender of men'

And that's probably enough of the poetic shit :) LOL
X

 

[sedna]

Why did I fall in love with him?
Because he is mine
Because I have known him since I was 12, and he ca...

I didnt know PTSD is a whore. Until now, I thought that was the one category of people I hadnt had any grief from yet. :roflmao:

See if you can get him to open up in some kind of counseling, maybe somebody different than he's seen before. I've known some vets, and some contract soldiers or mercenaries, they dont like to be called that though. I've seen some of the traits you describe in guys that were really in heavy combat. A lot of what you're describing sounds like my ex husband. He was not a soldier, he was the average sociopath next door. Look after yourself and keep talking to people.

 

[Tinyflame]

I in no way condone his treatment of you, & without him being diagnosed, who knows. But, I would caution thinking along the lines of:

You know what I just don't get?? It's that his dad isnt kicking his ass into shape

which infers a moral judgment, rather than a disorder. (Not meaning that judgmentally of you, just that it won't help. If only one could kick ptsd out, if indeed he's dealing with it. There's no cure btw, only management.)

too arrogant to acknowledge it.. Still serving,,

Again, a judgment. I'm no Vet, but my family members served alongside co-joint as civilians, my mom too was in the Air Force actually too. I know then (& I strongly suspect now) ptsd is acknowledged but not addressed. Here in Canada/ USA there have been a massive amount of ptsd-related & Veteran suicides.

I can't see my man - I see a heartless machine
I can literally see a death in his eyes

Not a good sign, going with the other symptoms you've listed.

Good luck. It sounds like it's going to worsen before it gets better. Idk what to suggest but you must look after yourself. He sounds like it's either presenting (if he didn't have it before), or worsening (symptomatic). Does he use drugs +/or alcohol? What about injuries/ concussions @redsandy ?

 

[redsandy]

I in no way condone his tretament of you, & without him being diagnosed, who knows. But, I would caution...

Yes,,,, it scares me too
I don't want to admit what I fear may happen - but also don't want to seem hysterical or over the top drama
Tricky times
Scary times
Hurtful ones too

But,,, should he 'flip' there's a contingency plan in place,,,, and my older boys know the drill if I shout fire.
Not pleasant thoughts
X

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't want to admit what I fear may happen - but also don't want to seem hysterical or over the top drama

No it's not drama it's reality. And why you're here. I'd suspect more likely to lose touch with reality with nightmares/ o/night/ -> act out (unaware). (Hope for the best prepare for the worst). Self-harm maybe, if he's already talking about isolating.

You have kids? I would put their welfare first.

Any of his buddies you can privately speak with? (I know probably not if he outranks them.)

What about guns?

 

[redsandy]

Half your message was missing!!
I meant his dad should address the behaviour that he saw first hand,,, even if it was a 'hey,,,,you're being rude son'
But that's what mine would have done,, not all families are the same.
No,,,, he despises drugs, drink? Not so sure he's away a lot - but drink has crept into the house lately,,, I will keep an eye on it.
He's always been uptight - I think he may have been stuffing down and now it's building up a bit too much.
Thank you :)

 

[redsandy]

No it's not drama it's reality. And why you're here. I'd suspect more likely to lose touch with reality...

He definitely outranks!
No guns,,,, no ammo,,, just sharp stuff in the kitchen :/
He's not sleeping too good,,, at least while he's here, I don't know about when he's away
If he's just an ass I'd love someone to shake him into shape again - but sadly, and scarily it seems this may be 'the brink'
I'm so scared for him,,, and in general.
What if I stir up him being labelled and it wrecks his career,,, or he's well and never forgives me?

 

[Tinyflame]

What if I stir up him being labelled and it wrecks his career,,, or he's well and never forgives me?

No, personally I would never go over his head. Get yourself out if necessary though, & your children first & foremost. But I would not perpetuate a crisis. And only he can help himself.

If it's ptsd, barring future advances he will never get 'well'. Only (hopefully) much improved.

I'm so sorry. :( I will bow out because I'm not a Vet & it's inapproprite authority on my part to speak from that angle. But my prayers & well wishes (if ok) are with you. And there are remarkably good things that can happen too. (I can even say for myself I live a whole different life than before without drinking/ gambling/ suicide attempts/ para-suicidal behaviour/ lying- covering up as a consequence (all attempts at maladaptive coping, btw), & knowing symptoms are just 'symptoms' helps a bit even though I still have FB's & night sweats & night terrors & intrusive thoughts & insomnia/ more vigilance than I should.. And I looked pretty 'normal', FWIW. :rolleyes: Plus I still battle anxiety & depression, maybe co-morbid or related/ consequential to it, & am exhausted. But it's dy & night difference. It took over 20 years to start getting over denial.) The more support you can get the better. Here is a great place also to learn.

Welcome to you. :hug: