Relationship Is This Considered The Usual?

[redsandy]

Hi all,,,, I really have to Thank all of you,, these last two nights I've slept wonderfully, and to wake up to messages and advice lifts my whole day - without doubt I'd recommend joining this group to anyone else in contact with ptsd.
Now,,,, I didn't make my reason for joining fully known - so I will, it might cast light on things. I've mentioned some of my husbands behaviours,, and the way it leaves me feeling. He quashed them,, denying his part in it - but here I've been heard, understood and learnt I'm actually not alone.
Here's the saddest part (for me anyway)
We had a crappy wedding, it wasn't even worth calling it one - no rings, no guests,,, nothing,,,it really was not how I had envisaged my special day to be - he wouldn't even wear the button hole I made for him and didn't want others to see me as a bride,,,I married for love, he was 'in charge' of the service, it was devoid of emotion, I never saw him smile - he was Mr sergeant major all the way through :(
Anyways, I told myself it didn't matter - the life afterwards is the important thing.
But,,,, even though he told me to my face his parents knew it transpires they didn't,, he'd never told them - and this all came out during a visit from them when I was told I hadn't received cards because they couldn't adresses the envelopes properly due to not knowing my last name -- wtf???
So, in front of them I asked my husband why he would lie, why he would keep me a secret and told him this makes me feel dirty, humiliated and worthless - he totally shut down on me, voided me out, wouldn't look at me.
His father was mortified
I'm half pleased somebody else has seen his void outs if I'm honest
Husband flounced off to work, but was upset I didn't hug him goodbye - wtf??? He creates crap like that, doesn't acknowledge it and then wants affection? I don't understand :(
BUT - since then I've heard from him once a day,,,Which by usual standards is loads! I haven't had an apology,,, but he said he isn't angry with me (why the hell should he be anyways - arrogance, or confusion?) And he's said he never told them because they'd be disappointed - I'm pleased to be hearing from him,, but it's hard not to take the disappointed label personally
He avoids many things for fear of people being disappointed - but doesn't seem to understand it's the evasiveness that hurts, not the deeds he is avoiding,,, and has no trouble hurting or dissapointing me instead
Obviously I'm very hurt by all this - but he's talking
Anyone out here that can explain this a bit clearer for me?
Anyone got a plan for how I can break through his wall of fear?
You're all great :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't know if there is a way to "fix" his treating you like you don't exist. I'm extremely hesitant to label this as a PTSD thing. And if it is------he needs to work on healing------like yesterday------because treating people this way is inexcusable, even if someone does have a mental illness. I think that if someone can't acknowledge their partners existence, they aren't ready for a relationship. It's about the basics of respect. :hug:

 

[redsandy]

I don't know if there is a way to "fix" his treating you like you don't exist. I'm extremely hesi...

For the last 2 years I thought he was just an ass hole soldier if I'm honest,, and was waiting for him to sort his act out.
But lately, when he's here that is, we've had sweats, no sleep, irritability, stammering, talking about himself in third person terms, spacing out and stuff like that
He wants to retire to an isolated place - just me and him
I feel he's keeping me out of things - isolating me,,,leaving me out of his contact with the 'outside' - keeping me in a compartment as it were.
This may be because he wants to protect me from himself and everyone else ? Maybe?
I really don't have a bloody clue - it's a big mess, he's a bit of a mess
I however am flourishing after joining this site and actuallyt talking :)
My focus is shifting to me -- and I don't feel bad about it , it may be wrong, but just now it's working and I can see clearer.
X

 

[sedna]

Hi all,,,, I really have to Thank all of you,, these last two nights I've slept wonderfully, and to wa...

Oohh, :unsure: I think you should consider that not everything he does is out of fear, or fear of disappointing others. Avoiding giving reasonable explanations for offensive behavior, then ending the topic by announcing he's not angry with you over it sounds like arrogance, not confusion. He wouldn't be confused as to why you were upset you caught him in a lie in front of his parents or forgot to mention your last name to them. If you're feeling dirty, humiliated and worthless, then a response of voiding you out is not very respectful or caring. Have you been in counseling with him? maybe that would be a good idea if he's willing to go. :tup: Not all A-hole behavior from PTSD people are from 'walls of fear'. It is kind of convenient for us when other people assume that though.

 

[redsandy]

Oohh, :unsure: I think you should consider that not everything he does is out of fear, or fear of disap...

Convenient LOL xx
Yeah, I hear ya - and love the humour :)
OK,,, so I won't call him an actual ass hole, because he may have issues, which puts him in the realms of political correctness,,,,so will happily shout rather loudly that he has ass hole qualities -- which gets me off the hook from possibly being arrested for discrimination LOL
Omg,, ffs - what a bloody mess,
You know what I just don't get?? It's that his dad isnt kicking his ass into shape - I'm starting to see where he gets his ignoring habit from! You see I text his dad Monday, saying I can't cope with my husbands behaviours alone anymore,,,,and he's ignored me too. But this is the man who never sent a birthday card for my 40th because he didn't know how to adress the envelopes,,, how about just my first name? The term narcissism and nob springs to mind.
Oops,,I'm becoming a bit aggro and judgmental. How unfair of me to give what I get ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

Is he in treatment?

 

[redsandy]

Is he in treatment?

No eve,,,, too arrogant to acknowledge it
Still serving,,,, high rank
23 years service .10 tours

 

[sedna]

Convenient LOL xx
Yeah, I hear ya - and love the humour :)
OK,,, so I won't call him an actual ass hol...

Narcissistic nobs are everywhere :sneaky: See if you can get him in to couples counseling, then you wont have be the only person trying to figure him out. :cautious: Zero feedback and being totally aloof and emotionally unavailable is a form of abuse, and it keeps you on your toes trying to please him all the time so you get some attention. Maybe he just needs some counseling, maybe he's a total :poop:. But you wont really know unless he makes an effort to get some help, and if he doesn't then you probably have your answer.

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate to say it but unless he's willing to change, willing to get treatment, your only two options may be acceptance or getting out. :(

 

[redsandy]

I really shouldn't accept it - I was raised better.
Getting out,,, well, my word is my bond - and I promised to never leave,,so I'm in a moral predicament
Putting aside violence of course.
You know, he does crap like this, then there's no acknowledgement, then he's nice and if I bring it up for resolution and closure I'm a nag and he doesn't want to have this crap off me any more : it's like he wants to do what he wants regardless and face no consequences for it
nob like behaviour - grrr

 

[Rumors]

I am behind the 8 ball so to speak but who has ptsd, him or you?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Somebody on here once told me that even assholes get PTSD... So it's not always the PTSD.

Either way, just standing up for yourself should help him see. Not telling people he married you is sucky.