Is This Normal?

[shygirl18]

Hi everyone :) I'm an 18 year old girl studying at university..
Basically my parents were very violent to me since I was a baby until i was removed from the home by social services when I was 16 and I lived in a women's refuge and since then I've lived in many hostels and now I'm in uni accommodation.

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of nightmares about monsters etc but since around age 16, they have been directly related to the violence from my parents and I also started having flashbacks. The flashbacks have got so bad that I have absolutely no awareness of my surroundings and the worst ones can continuously go on for at least 4-5 hours (these ones happen at least once or twice a day) and throughout the rest of the day, i have flashbacks on and off.. to the point where i'm sat with my university books for around 22 hours a day and I get less than 1 hour of studying done. And after a flashback, I have no memory of the things that went on around me (e.g. recently I had a really bad flashback while I was out in which I seem to have gone to a quiet area of a car park and sat against a wall (because i must have felt the flashback coming on) and I was probably sat there having flashbacks for at least 3 hours until someone found me and rang ambulance and police (they thought i had been attacked) HOWEVER I cannot remember entering the car park and I have no idea of what that went on within the time - this sort of thing happens all the time so I don't know what happens around me most of the day - all I remember is what was happening in my flashback - so its very realistic)

Also I do not trust anyone but i trusted 2 people (my doctor and my tutor from uni) but there has been an issue with my tutor where I feel like she has broken my trust and since then I've struggled with talking to people (i literally will not even say yes or no) - i don't know if its related to the issue with my tutor but its been around 1 month that I haven't spoken to anyone without being intoxicated.. except my doc - i really trust her.
my question is.. is all this normal for someone who has ptsd? Does it just sound like a severe case of ptsd to you? thank you :)

 

[PerfectEmpire]

It sounds like PTSD, just really severe. It sounds similar to my worst days, just more dramatic. Something in your environment must be triggering you really bad! Are you living in the same town where the abuse happened (or other bad things happened)? Does everything remind you of the abuse/trauma even if it is only distantly related (I had a problem with the color red, for instance)? Are you telling your therapist EVERYTHING (keeping no detail a secret)? Those were all problems for me and made my symptoms out of control and my life a living hell.

Wishing you well.

 

[shygirl18]

It sounds like PTSD, just really severe. It sounds similar to my worst days, just more dramatic. Something in your environment must be triggering you really bad! Are you living in the same town where the abuse happened (or other bad things happened)?
Wishing you well.

I'm living about 45 mins drive away from the town. And I think literally ANYTHING could be a trigger because the violence happened 24/7 (apart from while i was at school obviously) for the first 16 years of my life. The obvious triggers for me are knives, water, ovens but sometimes if someone has a pencil in their hand, i get panicky. and there are probably other things but I can't identify them.

And I don't see a therapist, just see my GP but she is awesome and really helpful and plus she is the only person i will speak to anyway. And I've told her as much as i can but I obviously haven't told her all the incidents because it went on for 16 years.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I am so sorry these flashbacks are so bad. Any person who's had one knows the terror of it, and to go through them for as long as you do, it breaks my heart. I am glad you are here though, I think sometimes exploring the flashback can help and there's lots of support here for that.

But yes, it does sound like severe PTSD to me. I know sometimes combat veterans get lost in the memory so much they actually relive it and don't feel what's around them at all. There are books on the list here that Anthony has collected about PTSD, it might help to get ahold of some of them so you can understand. That really helped me and eased my fear a whole lot.

 

[shygirl18]

Loveneverfails, yep - it's horrible knowing that a majority of the day is going to be spent having flashbacks. :( I'm really struggling to keep functioning and doing the basic things like getting ready, maintaining myself etc and then I have the added stress of university. The only thing that's keeping me sane is my appointments with my GP who is amazing.

Yes, I will definitely have a look at some of those :) thanks

 

[Loveneverfails]

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world. You deserve to find some way of managing these memories, you deserve to be happy. Lots of hugs. :)

 

[shygirl18]

Thank you Loveneverfails, it means a lot <3 :)

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hey shygirl, has your doc suggested meds or therapy? I know that T has helped me overcome my toxic childhood, so maybe worth a try?

Take much care of yourself.

 

[shygirl18]

Hey shygirl, has your doc suggested meds or therapy? I know that T has helped me overcome my toxic childhood, so maybe worth a try?
.

hah I like how you put that - 'toxic' lol. Well I've been on paroxetine, sertraline, mirtazapine, flouxetine, citalopram, seroxat and none of them worked so I guess the medication route isn't working. as for therapy, its a difficult situation, because although my doc has referred me.. I will not say a word to anyone except her so i don't know how that could work

 

[Pale Warrior]

My both my husband and I have kicked the meds out, not working for us.

It's tough that you can't speak about it, that lecturer has done you harm :mad:. Such a shame as a good T can really make a difference and your GP can only do so much.

However, have you researched "alternative" therapies? I know for a fact just how effective aroma therapy can be. It might help take the edge off and help you move forward?

Best of luck,

PW, x

 

[shygirl18]

However, have you researched "alternative" therapies? I know for a fact just how effective aroma therapy can be. It might help take the edge off and help you move forward?
PW, x

Yeah I really trusted that tutor but I will always respect her for how much she did help me.. I blame her boss for everything.

My GP is really amazing though, she really helps keep me going and my appts make allow me carry on with a routine.

Oh I will definitely look into that! :) thanks

 

[Pale Warrior]

Shygirl, I am a bit concerned with this:

My GP is really amazing though, she really helps keep me going and my appts make allow me carry on with a routine.

This may well be the case, but you are having major flashbacks and dissassociation which are putting you in serious risk of harm and jeapordising your studies. This is not good and your GP support isn't helping.

I am worried for you, you need some more help on top of what your GP can offer. Please take care of yourself.

PW, x