Is This Reasonable Or Is This Ptsd?

[PreciousChild]

It's been a while since I posted, but I recently got hugely triggered when my ex that I divorced a decade ago starting yelling and cussing at me while we were attending our son's soccer game. At some point in the conversation, he brought up the fact that he might get a promotion and I said that no matter how much he makes, I still have to pay for my son's needs (he gambles a lot of support away and owes me tens of thousands of dollars). He expected a congratulations, and when he got the critical remark, he went ballistic and when I told him to calm down, he said he didn't care and that he would cause a huge scene if I wasn't nice to him. Then he laid in to me with a barrage of all the ways I'm a total bitch. I was so embarrassed. People were all around us.

I came to realize why I tolerate his explosions. I grew up with a deranged, narcissistic father who I had to accommodate in order for me to survive. Here I am in the same situation - I get along with most people for the most part. But here is a friendless, odd person who has developed a sense of entitlement and rage towards me who I tolerate in order to ensure that I keep the peace and get some amount of child support from in order for me to be able to support my child.

I've always had this feeling inside me that I shouldn't rock the boat or he might go off the deep end. But I had enough and I wrote him an email. But I'm so distorted in my thinking, I'm worried that I'm being unreasonable and unloading my ptsd on him. His typical reaction to me backing off from supporting him is to accuse me of being "mean" and his natural reaction is to punish me by withholding child support and refusing to take my child because his taking my child would help me by giving me the time I need. But this time, I didn't care about the backlash. I needed to stand up to him no matter what. Can I get feedback about this email I wrote?

"John,

I figured out the root of the miscommunication between us. I want to get something clear: WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. We are exes who are trying to co-parent. You lost my friendship a long time ago, and given how you treat me we will never be friends again. DO NOT SEEK EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM ME. I do not owe you any emotional support. Furthermore, please do not treat me with familiarity and especially do not yell at me about what I'm doing wrong. Remember, we are not friends, and that means I have no interest in working anything out. I do not believe you are capable of being reasonable and I do not want to work out anything emotionally with you. Treat me professionally like a business colleague and keep a respectful distance.

If you cannot comport yourself, I will seek to have an agreement about behavior written into any update stipulation.

And let's keep it to email. If and when you threaten to withdraw financial and emotional support from Josiah as a way of retaliating at me for declining a friendship I do not even owe you, I want it documented.

No one is stopping you from having friends. I do not want to be your friend. Period.

PC"

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Well one thing I can tell you for sure is that you are not "unloading your PTSD" on him. He has no right to treat you the way he does, and he obviously doesn't care much about you or your child right now. He is the one with a problem, not you.

Whether the letter is a good idea I don't know, but maybe it's helpful if you wait a little while before you send it. It could trigger a big reaction with him and it's probably best you are completely clearheaded when you make a decision like this.

Nevertheless, I believe you are completely in your right to stand up for yourself. Good for you!

Wishing you and your child the best. Hugs if you accept.

 

[ladee]

@PreciousChild, I hope you do know and use the fact that there is a power greater than him in not paying child support. It is called the Law... that obligation has nothing to do with you and him getting along.. find out what you need to do to get that back child support and let him know that it has been turned over to a lawyer or who ever you get to help you..
I don't know what state you live in, but the Attorney Generals office takes care of this.. so contact them and see what can be done... then you can 'rock the boat' all you want, and if he doesn't pay, he goes to jail...
And yes, I hope you hit SEND.... what you said has nothing to do with PTSD... it has to do with being treated badly and saying no, this is not ok... and if you have to follow thru with getting something added to the divorce papers, then stick to your word.... !!!! You are very clearly aware where the need to vacillate him comes from.. now do what you need to do to get healthy, and take yourself out of the picture with the child support.... wishing you well in your healing journey...

 

[ghotiff]

The letter is not PTSD based in my opinion. But....Whether you send the letter is more about what you want to achieve by the letter, and if it will achieve it.

If you want him to change his behavior, do you think the letter will work.
If you want to be heard, do you think he'll hear you.
If you want an apology, do you think you'll get one.
If you want child support, do you think the letter will get him to pay.

 

[PreciousChild]

First of all, thank you for your thoughts. I needed feedback from those who understood. I appreciate the understanding and encouragement. If I heard somebody else talk about my ex, I would probably see better how unhealthy the dynamic is. But it's been so many years, and I'm still very much enmeshed in a distorted reality in which his trauma and my trauma continue to dance.

Snowwhite, thanks for your thoughts. I AM worried about a big reaction from him, which is why I posted because I was starting to melt down about getting the big Smack Down (my term for the sense of foreboding I feel after I've done something "bad"). But unfortunately, I did indeed press send as soon as I wrote it. So I guess, I can't do this:

Whether the letter is a good idea I don't know, but maybe it's helpful if you wait a little while before you send it. It could trigger a big reaction with him and it's probably best you are completely clearheaded when you make a decision like this.

In the past, I would do the "smart" thing and swallow my sense of injustice and humiliation in order to keep the peace. But it was different this time. For the first time, I had this very clear sense that I was reliving my fears of my mom and dad with my ex. As a child, I was exploited and abused, and I lived with a sense of humiliation and stuffed it down my throat. When I grew up, I became a very f**ked up individual who cycled between narcissism, depersonalization, rage, depression, even suicidal tendencies. I did so much healing with therapy, and the work I've done with addressing my ptsd. When the thing happened at my son's soccer game, it became personal. He's verbally attacking me and I'm taking it for what?? I've garnished his wages through the court, but have been cowed not to increase the garnishment and sue for arrears. Again, it's about me not wanting to test him and also feeling sorry for him (which is exactly how I felt about my dad). But I can and will do that. I 100% agree with Ladee - thank you, ladee!! This is what I needed to hear:

I hope you do know and use the fact that there is a power greater than him in not paying child support. It is called the Law.

I'm in a very different place than someone who is still married to a person with ptsd who is abusive. For a very long time now, I've been physically removed from actual harm, and the law has always been on my side. But it's taken me a very long time for my mind to get to the place where it isn't playing into the hands of my parents' legacy. The courts are not perfect by any means, but I feel I am in a strong enough place that I can safely prioritize a very simple need of mine - to have my boundaries respected and put an end to being the endless receptacle of my ex's rage, which he refuses to get help for.

Ghotiff, thank you for your thoughts. Those are really good questions and smart ways of approaching this tense situation. But I think at this time, I need to unapologetically embrace the reality check I've given my ex. I said in clear terms that he must stay away from me.

By the way, I am basically his best friend. While he's yelling abuses at me during the soccer game, he will not leave my side and will continue to strike up casual conversations both before and after his yelling fits. If I move away from him, he'll follow me and tell me that I'm a bitch for moving away from him and treating him like an idiot. I really think he needed a firm push away. In his completely distorted reality, I am the only safe harbor wherein he can continue to heap abuse after abuse and I will keep on taking it. A long time ago, I weeped for him and did everything I could to make his life better. Now I need to reserve all of that energy for me and my son. My ex wishes to do zero about his mental health. The only thing that could happen by tolerating him is allowing him to continue to drag me down.

 

[ladee]

@PreciousChild, you started this thread, sounding like a scared child.. Your last post sounded like a grown woman who is not anybodies fool or verbal punching bag... You have stood up for yourself in a very mature way and sound like you have had some breakthroughs with this situation. How awesome for you and your son !!! What is the worst that is going to happen ? He's going to yell at you and belittle you... well, you've already done all that with him.

NOW, make a list of things you are not going to do.. like answer the phone if he calls, or answer the door if he comes over (which I really hope doesn't happen), things like that.. because he is going to test you... he has been a bully all this time and your words will mean nothing to him unless you stand your ground. So you have to have a plan so that he doesn't blind side you...

Very proud of you for taking a stand... you are not your parents puppet, nor his.. You are PreciousChild who has a mind, a heart and sense enough to know when it is time to do things differently...

So let us know how this is going. Sending healing energy for you to stand your ground. Sending prayers for strength to do what needs to be done to make a difference in your child's life... you did great !!

 

[mary1979]

Emotionally abusive exes are the worst.
Mine never actually hit me, so I spent decades thinking his temper was all my (and my ptsds)
It took some really determined police officers 6 hours of repeat call outs to convince me that domestic violence didn't need to mean black eyes or fat lips.

It took years to break free properly and even after that he could have a tanty like yours did and id be whimpering in a corner blaming myself for everything.

Standing up for yourself is literally the only thing you can do.
I know a letter is easier because he cant interrupt or bully you while he reads it.
But he will see it as a sign of weakness. He knows your buttons, and all your fears inside out.

You'll eventually have to do this to his face hun.
Calmly and without bitterness or tears.
Once I learned to stop taking the bait it was actually really easy.
(but I had the support of a strong and patient man too, I couldn't have ever done it alone, or without having seen him handle my ex with ease first, so i know you cant just decide, and then do it)

Taking back your power will be the most liberating and challenging thing you will ever do.

My ex hasn't tried a stunt like that on me in 2 years now, because he knows he will be the one looking a fool in the end, not me.

My heart goes out to you and your precious babies, and I'm thinking strong thoughts for you x

 

[Lucycat]

I still have to pay for my son's needs (he gambles a lot of support away and owes me tens of thousands of dollars).

Who owes you money, the son or the ex? If you are supporting a gambling son and expect your ex to agree with this I am not surprised it all went pear shaped. On the other hand if ex owes you money and the son is a child, then why worry about him cutting off financial support if he is not actually paying it anyway?

 

[PreciousChild]

Wow, thanks so much. ladee and mary1979, you seem to speak from experience and are like cheerleaders for those on the same team. Thank you. The fact that I stand up for myself matters. I have to remind myself that it's worth it, I'm worth it. My son is fine because my ex doesn't take his aggression out on him. Of course, I'll keep an eye out for that possibility.

I heard you both about making sure I stick with this path and prepare myself for getting tested. I think it'll be easier this time because I have clarity about what I want with the help of this forum. I also think I'm just existentially in a different place than before. When my ex was yelling at me at my son's soccer game, I wasn't thinking as much about how I triggered it. I was more feeling peeved and thought, 'who are you to talk to me like this?' I also wasn't feeling sorry for him like I've done before because his reaction was totally ptsd-related and I've always felt sorry for that side. I let him follow me around and I tolerated it because I could see the hurt little boy that needed reassurance as much as he was targeting me. This time, I'm choosing me.

Thanks for this advice:

NOW, make a list of things you are not going to do.. like answer the phone if he calls, or answer the door if he comes over (which I really hope doesn't happen), things like that.. because he is going to test you... he has been a bully all this time and your words will mean nothing to him unless you stand your ground. So you have to have a plan so that he doesn't blind side you...

Mary1979, this is so insightful and it does reflect where I am:

Standing up for yourself is literally the only thing you can do.

To answer this question, it is my ex who does. My son is a child:

Who owes you money, the son or the ex?

And that is such a good point:

if ex owes you money and the son is a child, then why worry about him cutting off financial support if he is not actually paying it anyway?

In the past, before garnishment, he definitely made my compliance a condition for him paying me support. And at least I felt that if I "behaved", I was more likely to get his help. Once I got garnishment, his hold became less tight and has been slipping ever since.

So far, I haven't heard back from my ex. I don't know what that means. I normally would be trying to contact him with some pretext in order to figure out how he's feeling, but I think that exhibits the weakness that you have mentioned. I am free. I don't need to send out detectors to sense how upset he is with me.

 

[ladee]

Beautiful that you see and are very aware of where you are now. And you will read time and again here, PTSD is never an excuse for abuse. never !!! You didn't break him, you can't fix him.. sounds hard and ugly, but in reality it is just simply truth. It is just easy for us to get into abusive relationships... but as we grow an learn, then we know this is no longer acceptable and we do what we have to get out, away, and take care of our self....
He does not have the legal power to make you bend to his will in regard to child support. Period. And sounds as tho you are rethinking many things right now...
Love it that you were so aware of how different you were thinking as he was doing his drama!!! That is worth a lot right there. Shows how far you have grown... so take care of you and your youngun'....He will still be who he is, whether you get on with your life or not... No reason to let him stop you now.
Come here for support if you feel yourself backsliding... we are here for you.... most of us have been right where you are... at a turning point.. and it is important to get support to continue.... prayers for you and your son... you can do this. !!!

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks again, ladee. Yes, it's a process. I thought I was strong a decade ago when I left my ex, and then I learn years later that I have still more to learn. Ahh! But I'm very happy that I'm on the path towards becoming a whole person and figuring out what I need along the way. What a legacy for my parents to leave - at mid life, I am still having to piece together my life. I hope to do better for my child.

I have an update: My ex got in touch with me about plans for his weekend, and he acted like nothing happened. I don't know if retaliation is still in the wings, but for now, I'll take this as a victory. I can stand up for myself without the world coming to an end!

Thanks again for all of your supportive, helpful feedback. What my family and friends can't do for me, this online community does who don't know even know me. I'm very grateful.

 

[ladee]

@PreciousChild , but in many ways , we do know you. Anytime people can connect on a level of feelings, we are no longer strangers... but people on the same journey.
Happy he is being decent.. but go in prepared.... you shared that he blew up on you, and then followed you around as if nothing happened... but the main point here.. You DID make a stand... and nothing exploded.... so keep up the good work and know we are here.... ya know, that family you didn't know you had !!! sending gentle hugs of encouragement.