Is This The Right Way?

[jmni]

It has been two weeks since I stopped smoking. Much of the time I am ok and don't think of it. But sometimes I really feel as though there is something huge missing from my life. It's weird as if there is actually a void and I miss smoking. I think that the void is real, and missing smoking is real too, but the void is not from lack of smoking. Perhaps smoking is was has filled it, to make it seem as though it weren't so empty.

At other times I feel as though there is an 8 year old child in my brain throwing a fit because he can't have what he wants. So I am hoping that is just part of addiction.

At any rate I can see very deep wrinkles on my face which didn't use to be there and it really bothers me.

 

[franciemarnie]

Congrats on quitting!!

Someday maybe you will say the same to me because I still smoke - tho a lot less than I used to.

I have quit a lot of drugs but smoking is the toughest. It was a comfort to me for years. It was always there for me. (I know that sounds nuts!) I could always count on it to calm me down.

But also I smoked because I felt like I couldn't calm myself down, wasn't enough inside. I would freak out at something and immediately turn to a cigarette to feel better, to feel "enough" v not enough within.

It's irrational because it is so deadly, but when I started smoking I sure didn't think I'd smoke so long, didn't see it as dangerous really. I wasn't plugged into reality.

I admire you for quitting. I did once two years ago and got sores all over my gums and mouth. I couldn't eat or talk it was so painful. That happens to some folks who quit. I won't go into boring detail here why.

I went back to it. The sores went away.

But gosh I want to try again.

I know it is rough, but I bet you have known worse. That doesn't make it easier I know, but you can do this. Kudos for the time you've got free of them so far!

 

[Powder]

Wow, I'm proud of you both for having the gumption to quit while dealing with PTSD. Usually, having PTSD means adding to the "substitute behaviors" (things to do to replace having to feel one's feelings) list, not crossing things off.

Well done! Now, can you add things that make you feel good and are better for you, such as tea or a daily fresh fruit?
I started taking "Focus Factor" multivitamins from Costco. Boy, I feel amazing energy in the morning if I take one of those before bed. I have better dreams, too.

Yay! I quit years back. I can't even imagine smoking again. In time, you might not miss it at all.

 

[jmni]

Thank you , franciemarnie.

I have quit a lot of drugs but smoking is the toughest. It was a comfort to me for years. It was always there for me. (I know that sounds nuts!) I could always count on it to calm me down.

But also I smoked because I felt like I couldn't calm myself down, wasn't enough inside. I would freak out at something and immediately turn to a cigarette to feel better, to feel "enough" v not enough within.

It doesn't sound nuts. That's exactly why I smoked. Even now I miss it even though it was just empty smoke. Every time someone was mean to me or I had to put up with someone / something bad, I just smoked. No matter what I always had my cigarettes, so I think I know what you mean. Everyone says "smoking is a crutch" because you use it like one. But I think that because we use them for when things are bad, they can turn into a trigger that reminds of bad times. At least I thought they started to remind me of difficult memories and the old crappy environment I used to live in, which I would prefer to forget. That changed my mindset a bit...

It's no walk in the park to quit smoking. If you are willing to put yourself through hell you can do it. If I can stay off it I will write up my method I used this time if anyone wants to use my ideas / advice.

 

[Jane.l]

I realised when I gave up (10 years ago whoo hoo !!! ) that I was using smoking to avoid feeling /dealing with things. ( didn't have Ptsd at this point) Just like you said Jmni - someone is mean - you have a cigarette - things go wrong at work
Have a cigarette . Also I was using them as a reward - once I have finished this job - I will have a smoke and I think it's the fact that we use them in this way that gives the illusion something is missing when we stop. I gave up using Allen Carr's book which just made perfect sense to me - it's not will power you need it's a change of how you think about cigarettes.

Well done to you it's a great achievement . I never miss it - infact the thought of lighting up seems revolting now and at the time I thought I would never be able to do it .

 

[jmni]

I feel like I have no principles. I can think back on who I use to be when I was younger and I feel like I was very vacuous. I was a slave because my parents were tyrants. I was lost at home. I remember feeling so powerless and lost and it continued for years and years. I think that if someone tears and tears away at you the hole just gets bigger until you are completely empty and lost within yourself. Although I feel safe now, I still feel somewhat lost. I always just put up with shit, so I never got to know myself.

 

[jmni]

I dissociated in the car earlier today. I am so embarrassed because I was talking to myself. So when I got home I tried not to speak. It's impossible to be alone with myself. Its pathetic also because these voices may be a means of company for me. Apparently the only way I can do this is if I force myself not to imagine any kind of conversation. I am so use to this dissociative thinking. If there were a surgery that could remove this or solve it it would be very painful. I wonder if I can succeed at this if I will even feel loss because the imaginary people aren't around anymore.

 

[jmni]

I would really like to be a blank slate again and without affectation. I was never given the freedom to develop the real me. Modern life is so vacuous and empty for the most part. I never hear of anyone trying to search for their self like it was an adventure or a life goal. But its something I need to do.

 

[jmni]

this is bizarre. Because I feel different and seem like I've made some kind of progress.

 

[jmni]

The symptoms I have sometimes seem more like scizophrenia at this point. At any rate I feel like I've made progress since yesterday in quieting my mind. And its made a huge difference.

Yesterday was really hard. But today has been much more easy. I feel different. I am going to keep notes and I will share it at some point. I realize that ptsd is very hard to control and different for new sufferers. I hope this could help somebody.

 

[jmni]

Essentially I get flashes of conversations (internally) and actually they are hardly flashes because they last a good while. So although I've managed to make progress in clearing my head an internal dialogue began and then instantly went to aloud. I managed to stop myself rather quickly because I have committed to this. I am definitely discovering which issues I have had the hardest time getting over. The only recourse is to think about how you feel and why you feel as you do.

 

[Tinyflame]

@jmni congratulations on 'replacing' the cigs! :tup:

Just a note, vertical wrinkles on the face indicate lung trouble (Eastern medicine). Similarly, a little known fact is that the risk of developing lung cancer increases in the first years after quitting, peaking in the 3rd year. Just a hypothesis but I think in terms of preventatively, it may be related to too low vitamin (C, specifically) levels within the body. When we smoke our body makes tremendous effort to deal with it; when quitting stress is high, toxins are present, but the body no longer produces the same attempts at defense mechanisms (physiologically) as when we ingest the smoke- then we exhibit a 'tolerance' of sorts. And most people react violently even after a short time away from it if they have one or start again. Many people I know (including an immunologist) said they caught everything in the first 6 months to a year, with no explanation. I know I did when I quit (I went back to it but not over that).

Anyway, congratukations! :)