Is This The Right Way?

[jmni]

Actually I relapsed and I am quitting again.

 

[jmni]

For whatever reason my symptoms seemed to have diminished and now after 12 years I can finally think clearly again. I think it could of been the decision to get better coupled with allowing myself time to be alone and the space to think.

However I have been very depressed over my past sexual behaviors. I wish that none of them had happened. They were all so gross and so disgusting. Once upon a time I was the kind of person to never do anything sexual and not be bothered with that. And then abuse and being around the wrong people changed me. Now I am full of regret and feel so doomed because I can never be the person I once was who I loved being. I wish I had not allowed them to change me and influence me.

 

[jmni]

Having a clear mind all the time is nearly impossible. It's really not possible at this point to just say "empty mind" and have it happen. Maybe one day. At this point I have to sit there, meditate, focus on my current reality, focus on being alone, and concentrate on that.
It takes at least five minutes.

 

[jmni]

I want to come clean about three things.

The first is the means by which I lost my virginity. My parents were very strict in addition to being verbally abusive and neglectful. My mother would rant hateful things about how disgusting men are complain openly about being molested by her brother when she was a child. Apparently this happened once and her father "beat him with a hose" as a kind of punishment. I have never been able to complain openly about all the times I was sexually assaulted. She would not let me date. If a friend called the house, even a female friend she would throw a fit and be cruelly verbally abusive to me.

I lost m virginity to someone who I didn't care about. I wasn't attracted to him. I wanted to get it over with. I was trapped in a house with psychotics and thought this event was just overdue. It was horrible. He was ugly. When my mother found out that I had had sex she called me a whore.

This is all I can write now.

 

[jmni]

I will continue with that later...

I think that having an empty mind is good for me. And I can try to do that at home for ten minutes to thirty minutes a day. It is also important for me have an empty mind while I drive. This is very difficult of course...

Meanwhile, I realize that I blame a lot. But some things are clearly my fault because I wasn't thinking the right way. So I then have the consequences which I am not prepared to deal with. So I will ... think ahead a bit more and be more cautious. Even about boring things.

Work scares me. It scares me to have to put up with people and their bullshit. And their lies and their games and their plans to hurt me.

 

[jmni]

I wrote J and I really hoped deep down that he would respond. But its been two days and he hasn't. There's the off chance he just hasn't read it yet but .. that's not even the problem. The truth is is that I have given up deep inside. I thought he might fix everything.

I feel weird and guilty that I am even hoping to hear from him. He could have a completely different life now. He could be an entirely different person. He could really love someone else. And I am just sitting her wishing my life were different.

Much of the time now I feel calm. But every so often I remember being stalked and I remember the terror and I can remember living that through that nightmare and how cruel people were to me and how it would never stopped. And it was all motivated by jealousy and a will to hurt me and make me feel dirty. Those were adults.

And I don't think that I should forget. If I forget that I might as well subtract ten years from my life. So I really can't forget.[DOUBLEPOST=1401769471,1401769299][/DOUBLEPOST]I miss him.
I missed the opportunity to have a life.
I missed so much for such weird reasons.
It's all been so unfair.

 

[jmni]

Part of me just has to be more resilient and stop pitying myself.
Back in the days when my life was hell after the worst of it past, I was so resilient. I want to be resilient again.

I think my greatest weakness is my vanity. I am a very vain person. Now that I am beginning to show signs of age I feel really bad. I look at my wrinkles and I just feel so negative. As if that's what is my limitation.

 

[jmni]

I have come to the conclusion that actively "not speaking", refusing to talk, focusing on quiet and the sensation of surroundings and actions is a helpful kind of grounding technique or method to reduce the intensity of ptsd. But its not enough. It seems like it could be applied for at least 30 minutes a day and perhaps that would be helpful for sufferers. But I am stumped as to how else to reduce the symptoms. Vanquishing illusions and internalized voices is extremely difficult.

 

[jmni]

I felt guilty recently because I feel like I was being too pushy and committing transference on a member. I didn't want to really stop until she had a change of heart. I really did feel as though i knew what she was going through and that she would of benefited from hearing my perspective. So I put my foot in my mouth and then I felt that I was just transferring all of my experiences on to her. Which in a way is living vicariously through another person and that's just pathetic.

So I tried to encourage another member and then was spoken to like a moron. She didn't need my help or my contribution. It was very insulting.

It's obvious that some people have decided to be victims. When I was a victim no one helped me. People were crueler and no one ever helped me. I couldn't throw encouragement in the faces of any stranger who offered a kind word. People didn't offer kind words. I was terrified into not speaking up for myself as though I was kidnapped.

If someone already has it all figured out, why do they need to post anyway?

There's no option except to me more discriminatory with my advice in here.

 

[jmni]

A few years ago, despite everything I had confidence. I had some kind of drive to do things when I put my mind to it.

Somewhere during that times its as though the rug was pulled out from under me. Now I don't have drive or focus. I don't really believe in my ability to do anything. And I would say thats the biggest difference.