Is Wishing You Were Dead The Same As Feeling Suicidal?

[Zafih]

Is wishing you were dead the same as feeling suicidal? I know this may seem obvious, but I actually mean the focus is in the permanent lack of life, not on the act of actually committing suicide - that suicide is merely a means to an end. By wishing I was dead, I don't mean a temporary or sudden emotional wave, I mean rationally and honestly I know that life is too much for me and have done for many years. Each day I live on feels like a delay of the inevitable and I don't know why I delay it.

Literally the only thing that is stopping me, is a handful of people who will take my death far to personally and it will ruin them. I don't want them to suffer, ever, but in that process I have to suffer endlessly and it hurts. I do not fear death, though some extreme pains I do fear more than that, I fear another failed attempt that will hurt my loved ones and only leave me with more to deal with.

The stupid thing is, my current meds have helped me a lot and in some ways I'm actually better than normal for me. This is down to constantly avoiding everything, yet my heart wrenches when even a sliver breaks that veil. I'm scared of telling anyone that I'm still feeling this way, because I fear my medications will be taken from me and they are the only thing that is helping even a little. I'm also worried because I don't think anyone/thing will actually help and many things could make this struggle worse. I'm so tired. I just wish no one cared and I could become just another nameless statistic. Everything feels futile and hurts, my heart is so heavy I wish it would just stop.

No one needs to reply I suppose this is just rhetorical, I just wanted to vent and make my insides real by putting them out of me.

 

[Safiba]

@zafih I'm sorry you feel this way and I felt the same way about 6 months ago! I had another med added to my mix and it really helped plus 6 more months of therapy, of course. I had wished there was a pill I could take that would cause me to die of natural causes some time within a week of taking it so that my family wouldn't be burdened with a suicide.

Bottom line is that I'm feeling better and not wanting to be dead anymore. Please talk to your pdoc to see if something can be done. It sounds like worsening depression, IMHO.

 

[Ninirir]

Is wishing you were dead the same as feeling suicidal?

I would put both in the realm of ideation... thoughts, but not actual plans. I often have fleeting thoughts that death would make the mental pain go away, but that also just an acceptance I have nowadays of living with PTSD.

 

[Pajoro]

I have felt in similar ways. I told my doctor and therapist,and no one took away my meds because I told them I didn't intend to act on my thoughts. having thoughts of not wanting to live is different than having an actual plan and intending to act on it.

When I attempted suicide, I felt like this before - that I just wanted to be gone. Not living. Then I got desperate. :/

 

[Efofu]

Without reading anything but your title, it sparks a very common thought in my own Suicidal Ideation issues. I seem to feel like killing myself when I am embarrassed or humiliated, ashamed, or feel judged by others and am trapped in their perspective of me... as if they know what's "worthy" of life. I want to act on the actual killing, but not be dead. I don't want to die. Just the pain. Just maybe, kill that part of me that embarrasses me. But, then.. I guess that part is usually the part of me who has been vulnerable in front of others, and feels stupid for it. I've been having these thoughts recently. "I want to kill myself!" (but I don't want to be dead.. so I won't)

The other is "I want to be dead" but I don't want to kill myself. That one usually occurs like this... I am overwhelmed by PTSD, or depression, or some major feeling of disappointment. Then, I may feel like I just want to be dead. It's not worth it to continue on. It's too painful. Life's too hard. And, what's the pay off? So, a dirt nap seems very welcoming... but, then I think of how my kids will be traumatized by my death, if it's a suicide or abrupt accident. That they may end up with PTSD because of it. That my husband may as well. That my nieces and nephews may be impacted by it, even beyond what my kids and husband are... just because of their individual experiences in life. Some people take things harder than others. So, I realize that there is no good way in which to take this dirt nap, as all options will end in pain for those left behind. Then, at some point in the debate, the mood lifts! It's very strange how this happens. At one point, I can't see any good... and suddenly, I remember the good that I had forgotten and am able to enjoy living again. Thank goodness I've experienced this enough to know to hold on.. the good will come back to me.

(((hugs))) if you'll have them. You're not alone. Weather the storm now, and remember the relief when you feel it, so next time you won't feel so sure that your life is devoid of happiness.

 

[Wiriji]

By wishing I was dead, I don't mean a temporary or sudden emotional wave, I mean rationally and honestly I know that life is too much for me and have done for many years. Each day I live on feels like a delay of the inevitable and I don't know why I delay it.

I understand this and it's my problem too. Every single day I want it to be the last day. Except - and this makes it worse - for this tiny bit of me that thinks "maybe it can change". I hate that tiny bit, it keeps getting disappointed.

I think that's the thing keeping me here. I've made my peace with the fact that people would be sad, there isn't anyone close enough to me for it to matter very much. I wonder alot if that tiny bit of thinking it could change is just some version of a biological imperative, where the living body just naturally seeks ways to keep living. If that was true, I could dismiss it easier. Because otherwise, it's that thing called Hope, and I can't seem to ever successfully shut it down.

 

[Emom]

We are wired to survive. I have issues with this myself. I want to be dead and yet all I do is keep fighting.

 

[Atow]

Without reading anything but your title, it sparks a very common thought in my own Suicidal Ideation issues. I seem to feel like killing myself when I am embarrassed or humiliated, ashamed, or feel judged by others and am trapped in their perspective of me... as if they know what's "worthy" of life. I want to act on the actual killing, but not be dead. I don't want to die. Just the pain. Just maybe, kill that part of me that embarrasses me. But, then.. I guess that part is usually the part of me who has been vulnerable in front of others, and feels stupid for it. I've been having these thoughts recently. "I want to kill myself!" (but I don't want to be dead.. so I won't)

This is what I was going to write. It is what I go through. When the thoughts or emotions come up, I say to myself "I wish I were dead" and it some how stops the emotion and thought.

I think I need to use a different phrase, but this is what works for me. I want the emotion and thought to be dead, not me.

 

[Isat]

OP here. The term plan is very vague and I'm not sure if I have one or not due to various definitions. I know exactly what method for a number of reasons. More specific than that? I think my family would decide my stuff up to keep/sell, they'd also know why I'd done it. What else is in a plan? Time would be based on opportunity rather than anything else.

But as I said I don't want to do it because of them being distressed and upset, to the extent that ptsd is possible and you are at greater risk of suicide if someone you know has passed from it. Really I want their blessing/acceptance, I used to believe that would be the case but after last time I attempted I'm not so sure.

Sometimes when I get lower though, I become more selfish and I rationalise that they'll get over it and will understand. Also that I will no longer be a burden to them.

I can never tell if I'm making a fuss for some reason or actually minimising which is the reason I asked this question, so I could work out whether to tell someone in real life, though also to vent. It feels a lot more than the usual wishing somehow I'd be struck by lightening or getting hit by a bus (which I'd have to be able to leave the house for :S) or thinking aimlessly about my death. It's more of a deep yearning and desire, necessity even. Which is clearly unhealthy.

I don't know. I know I'm struggling but that sooner or later things will change for the better. What I'm having problems with is not caring if they do or actively not wanting them too because I don't want a reason to live.

Don't worry, I'll take my pillow and best sleeping bag and try find a nice corner to try and relax in.

(My God I sound so moody... Pity party much? "Throw me in the ball pit... hopefully I'll drown)

Sorry, I'll shut up now :rolleyes::dead:

 

[Locecir]

Is wishing you were dead the same as feeling suicidal? I know this may seem obvious, but I actually mean the focus is in...

I read this, after googling this subject, and I was touched by this. I guess because I feel exactly the same. However...nobody knows it. On the outside I'm the one listening to people just complain about life every day. But if I knew my dogs would be taken care of and my daughter and newborn grandson would be fine I think I would OD and be done. Life is too difficult. I know others have hard lives but I never get a break. And it seems when im already down, I just get kicked and spit on while others have a chance to get up and dust off and recover. And it almost a daily occurence. And everything I have I have worked hard for but some "force" out there seems to think I don't deserve to be happy so happiness is a very temporary but precious thing around here. Ive rambled enough. But life shouldn't be an uphill struggle every single day!! I look at my life like this...if I ask for a wooden chair to sit on god would give me one with 3 legs. Everyone else gets 4 legged chairs. Well my life has always been "be happy with what you got" and I'm wondering who up there hates me so much that they've been doing it to me since I was around 14. Life was fine until then. I just feel like um in everyone's way too. And unimportant. And I seem to anger people without doing or saying a thing. My existance seems to piss people off

 

[Negovo]

I don't think it's exactly the same thing - or not for me. I don't think I will ever do that but havd certainly wished to be dead, better still to just disappear like I'd never existed!
Please don't give up. You can get better!!
Strangely I got better when I stopped the meds. I finally found a doctor who said you can do this, and I did. And I started to understand a lot about emotional resilience and self belief, about boundaries and making choices that were good for me, not for the sake of others all the time.
And I realised this is my life to live as I please and what makes me happy doesn't have to be the same as everyone else.
I still get down, still wish to be dead sometimes, but I'm liking the journey now and curious to learn more.
There's a lot to find out and we can all change. I was over 50 when that change began. It's crazy how unnatural it felt at first to just let myself have some joy - small joys even, like watching the sun set, like walking in the rain, or cooking something I love.
It's crazy also how much joy those simple things give when the big things that I thought would bring joy were so utterly miserable.
Tjat probably sounds terribly evangelical but it's all true - and followed many years of constant suicidal thoughts.
The relief is huge. HAng in there!

 

[Bame]

But life shouldn't be an uphill struggle every single day!!

Your statement hit home for me. This week I've had to deal with veterinarian hospitalization for my little old schnauzer (she's much better now, thankfully,) a vehicle accident, where I was rear-ended, and taking my husband into urgent care for an acute illness.

I finally got a chance to sit down and connect to work at 10 this morning, when I got an emergency text that "there was an incident and schools are on lock down." There is no local news to confirm this.

How are you supposed to deal with and heal from long term stress when barrels full of sh!+ are regularly added to the heap?