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Filled with Anger and Wishing I Were Dead

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t know how to manage this. One thing happens. One thing throws a wrench in a manageable day, and it’s not anymore. Happens over and over again. Today it was business licenses the city says are expired and should have been renewed. The county sends automatic reminders. The city— which is large— doesn’t because there are only 3 people in the office and too many businesses to contact?

My business “consultant” said we did everything we needed to back in April.

I know professional people who own businesses and make a shitload if money that don’t have occupational licenses. I make next to nothing, and I’m getting harassed about it.

Last week it was my sister at the funeral. I nearly crashed my car, but who cares?

Yesterday it was a work mistake. I’m a proofreader, and I missed an extra space. I wanted to hurt myself so bad.

I just can’t do this anymore. This is no way to live.
 
I could have written this myself. Today is one of those rough days for me, too. Trauma brain makes everything catastrophic. I’m sorry.

I just can’t do this anymore. This is no way to live.
Considering taking myself to the ER because the SI has gotten so strong. Just know I’m with you today. Life after trauma can be really hard. Today I wish I was dead, too.

But we can make it through. Not everyday is so bad. We just gotta take it one small step at a time and use those damned coping skills. I’m sorry you are struggling, I wish there was more that I could offer.
 
I could have written this myself. Today is one of those rough days for me, too. Trauma brain makes everything catastrophic. I’m sorry.


Considering taking myself to the ER because the SI has gotten so strong. Just know I’m with you today. Life after trauma can be really hard. Today I wish I was dead, too.

But we can make it through. Not everyday is so bad. We just gotta take it one small step at a time and use those damned coping skills. I’m sorry you are struggling, I wish there was more that I could offer.
Thanks for the response, @Renly Sorry you are also having the same struggles.
 
gentle empathy on the joys of bureaucracy. gnarl, gnarl, gnash, gnash. . . how do people do that for a living?

anger channeling is my relief for such stressful frustrations. wanna borrow my kick boxing bag? maybe tape your old license to the bag for added channeling?
 
When I’m being thrown by simple things?

Or worse? Melting down over them?

I need to take more breaks.

Whether it’s ADHD overwhelm, or PTSD stress cup, or both? I’m trying to do too much, too fast, and am not grounding/centering myself before taking on the next task.

Tick. Tick. BOOM.

It reeeeeeally doesn’t matter how amazing I may have felt before the thing that throws me, is. In point of fact, if I’m feeling amazing? I honestly have to be MORE careful to take breaks & center myself, as it’s easy to blow off balance when I feel great, than when I’m struggling to make it moment by moment.
 
Thanks, @Friday.

I need to take more breaks.
Based on how I respond to things and the number/length of breaks I already take, it would seem I need to just always be on a break. LOL I'm mostly doing just survival stuff at this point--with a couple of things that are scheduled and not horribly stressful--and I can't even say if I'm grounded or centered. I feel like I am until something comes up, then...well, you know.

Like, I own two businesses (which sounds like a big deal, but it's really not--I don't do hardly anything for either right now), and I have an opportunity for some potential work in the one, starting with a phone call tomorrow. My anxiety level is through the roof. And my gut reaction--even though I've been looking for and wanting to do this kind of work for a long while--is to run.
 
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