Is Your Abuser Still In Your Life?

[Shannon1024]

First, I do not think you're stupid and I agree with the first statement as this is what PTSD does to us. We feel on the outside and always being judge. Everyone here from what I've seen in just a couple days have been very welcoming and there is no judgement. To answer your question, yes my abuser was my dad throughout childhood and then again when I was 21. I repressed the childhood memories and never knew until Sunday night and I am still wondering how I am here and not committed myself because I can't even begin to describe my feelings. He has been messaging me, calling me, and trying to come by the house. I have been avoiding him as he does not know I remembered the childhood memories. I don't know how to tell you to deal with your abuser still in your life because I have not even began to process this new information but I will tell you, you are not crazy and you are strong and always remember you have more power than him, because you survived. I know that's very easy to say and hard to believe at times because as I'm typing it I'm having the same feelings as you probably are by reading it. Push through, we have no choose. Remember to live, not just exist. ((((Hugs)))))

 

[Naoru]

HE is not my life.

Absolutely! Ya know, to me it sounds like you're coping very well. I know it may not seem like it on the inside, but everything you're saying here and experiencing makes total sense. I know that feeling of crazy all too well; unexpected flashbacks and memories are no joke and can send us reeling... but keep reminding yourself of the present, that you are safe, and "HE is not my life." Is there any way for you to get a restraining order or inform someone he is around? Be sure to have a plan in place for if he does try to get back into your life in an active way. I'm not sure what else can be done in your situation, but try to keep yourself safe. You're not crazy! :)

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

. Glad I am not the only one ...

You are definitely not the only one!

think my reaction is normal but the situation is crazy and the abuse was crazy therefore it is making me FEEL crazy!

EXACTLY!

Ben

 

[Freedomfighter]

First let me just say im mortified for posting this and feel completely stupid!

I'm wondering how many s...

Don't beat yourself up for something that is the fault of an abuser. You do have a new reality now though. Abusers, and especially stalkers loooooove it to pop back up into your life, they also looooove it if others talk about them in front of you. All of this is stalking and it is meant to upset you.

 

[Lotis]

they also looooove it if others talk about them in front of you.

This I experienced allot growing up - watching him revel when others spoke highly of him. It is nothing new. It hurts the most when you hear someone talking so highly about someone who is so evil. As a child it is confusing and makes you question your own sanity. How could someone who is so liked be wrong and do such horrible things? As a child it is so confusing. As an adult I now know that he got away with it because he was so like-able and very manipulating.
~L

 

[Lotis]

Ya know, to me it sounds like you're coping very well. I know it may not seem like it on the inside, but everything you're saying here and experiencing makes total sense. I

I think I am handling it semi-well, especially when I do not see him. He is not fully integrated into my life - I do not have to see him but he will be popping up every now and again where as before he was completely absent and prior to that he was everywhere. I will be coming face to face with him in the next month and I am terrified. I don't have a therapist right now so I really need to prepare myself and figure out a plan to cope.
~L

 

[Artytree]

First let me just say im mortified for posting this and feel completely stupid!

I'm wondering how many s...

One of my childhood abusers is in my life, that's my dad. He came back into my life in about 2008. At that time my mental health was deteriorating but I was clinging on as much as I could but by 2009 I was at rock bottom. I made a decision to move the area I lived in 2010 and the only place I knew was near my dad.
As much as it was a positive decision to move away, because I was finally given a proper diagnosis of Ptsd which meant better help, it also has a lot of negatives.
I have a very confusing, love hate relationship with my dad.
He tries to make things right, he knows what he has done, but he is no different. He's not changed. He is still controlling, he is still aggressive ect and I see those warning signs that used to see as a child, but now as an adult, which takes me right back to being a child.
On one hand he does what he can to help me out if I need it, but on the other hand he is a huge trigger. He would be at my house everyday if I let him, he's retired. I've gone about my business in the day, to find him calling me up, asking where I am because he is at my house. I've also come home to find him sitting in his car outside. He turns up without warning or asking.
I tell him time and time again to stop, and to call or message me first, which he does for a bit, then he manages to weddle his way in and does it all again.
I know the relationship I have with him isn't good for my healing, but I'm stuck here...I have no money to move closer to my other family and friends and my daughter is starting college in September for the next two years. So it's impossible to leave the situation. I only have my kids, 2 friends here and him. Back where I am from, I have my sisters, some family and loads of friends but I can't live there because there are too many triggers and major stressors there.

 

[Lotis]

I have a very confusing, love hate relationship with my dad.

I can relate to this big time. Although my father has admitted to what he has done and on certain levels has changed (he definitely is not the man he was when I was growing up) there are still glimpses of who he was. I have forgiven him but he is still a very huge trigger for me; he always will be.
When your dad is at your house waiting for you what does he want? Do you feel he is trying to make your relationship better? Or is he there to make your life difficult? As adults we have the power to say stop and to control the situation but it is amazing how we can still feel like that little kid in a blink of an eye.
I am sorry you are not able to live where you truly want too but it sounds like you are taking all of the steps to control the situation with your dad. You are setting ground rules which is so important. Whether or not he follows those rules is out of your control but you can tell him to go away at any time even if you say you have plans or are going out and he will need to come back another time.
~L

 

[Freedomfighter]

This I experienced allot growing up - watching him revel when others spoke highly of him. It is nothing n...

Absolutely, one has to imagine the predator as an actor or actress, that is all they are and they are very good at that. Their entire life is spent to make a good impression on others. Why? Because they are deathly afraid that others find out who they really are.

 

[Artytree]

I can relate to this big time. Although my father has admitted to what he has done and on certain levels...

When my dad waits outside he's just wanting to see us. But it seems to me like I have to be there whenever it suits him. Sometimes I feel he wants to make things better but other times he knows he adds to my stress which I feel he wants, because he knows I have no one other than him to rely upon when I'm getting bad. I know that sounds crazy.
As an adult I know I have the control but little me is so scared of him it takes a lot of time and pep talk to myself to build the courage to tell him what I think/need.
I will eventually get to move it's just a matter of when and saving the money.

 

[Artytree]

Absolutely, one has to imagine the predator as an actor or actress, that is all they are and the...

That is so very true.

 

[Lotis]

As an adult I know I have the control but little me is so scared of him it takes a lot of time and pep talk to myself

I get it. I know how hard it is. I hope my post didn't come off as insensitive. You seem like a very strong person. Keep giving those pep talks because it will get easier to tell him what you want as your confidence in yourself builds!
~L