Is Your Worst Trigger When A Loved One Yells At, And Blames You?

[Seasounds]

Voluminous blaming, blow me away, since it was accompanied by abuse. Does anyone else have this major trigger?

 

[Beachlife09]

Yes.

 

[Kaiser]

yes a few days ago my best friend scolded me for something (even though th eery had right to as i was being very unentionally rude, and they alologized righr after) and i have not been able to talk tot hem since.

 

[sun seeker]

Maybe not the biggest, but pretty big, yes. It comes from a history of any expression of anger not being safe.

 

[Tanishq]

A little high voice tends to trigger me because I have been yelled at by so many abusive people. I am glad I don't get triggered all the time.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I used to start shaking all over when people yelled at me (years after the abuse).
Now when people yell at me I don't feel a thing. It's pretty great :D

Either that or I get angry too and yell back at them.
Either way it doesn't affect me like it used to. Maybe that can give you some hope.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

This is a major trigger for me too, even if it's not my worst. Uncalled for verbal attacking and guilt tripping of me or my siblings/mother all get me massively worked up and anything I can do is always wrong. If I dissociate - that's wrong. If I shout back that's wrong. If I defend myself or others that's wrong. If I blow it of and just say ok, that's wrong. I can never work out then what's right. Unlike some of my triggers this doesn't usually make me have flashbacks (at the time of the shouting at least) but it does make me more vulnerable to self-harm, self hate, isolation, worsened depression, anxiety, confusion and dissociation which then often lead to flashbacks and physical symptoms like migraines and sickness.

 

[AlexC]

Short answer: Yes. Longer answer: The "blaming" part isn't necessary. This sort of thing is actually really, really commonly triggering...

 

[The Albatross]

I'm cool with yelling provided they are not up in my face or within arm's reach of me and have me backed up or cornered in a room or very small space (like a bathroom or closet)

Though clearly I do not like it at all. The trigger is being close enough to grab or strike me... so it's the combination of screaming/yelling, intense anger, very close proximity to inflict harm, and someone raising their hands/pointing fingers/poking me. If I'm not backed up to a corner (no way to withdrawal) I try to regain the distance and space. I've got enough presence of mind to give a short warning (2-3 words) almost always 3 times ("Back off", "Move away", "Step away NOW" or something like that) then Ka-BOOM. I would do whatever it takes to get them away from me, stopping as soon as a "safe" distance is achieved and I have the chance to get out and away.

Early in this relationship I was very reactive. It linked directly back to situations with both my father and ex-husband and their special blend of anger/violence backing me up into a corner of a room or a very small space to overwhelm me or cause me serious injury. I had a lot of shame that I brought that baggage into my second marriage but it didn't take long for my spouse to understand (because he knew my history) to heed the warnings in the event of a heated conflict/argument and not put his hands on me even to try to calm me down, not corner or trap me in a place I can't walk away from, and if he is so angry he can't do the first two... to heed the warnings when I give them that I'm getting ready to go into "fighting for my life" mode.

It's very specific, and over time all three have to be present and he can recognize and take my verbal warnings.

I had a friend in recovery a senior librarian... in recovery early on when sharing about an incident... she told me the story of the hound and the rabbit.

When the hound sets out to go for the rabbit, the rabbit will run or freeze... but if the rabbit is cornered, the last thing a rabbit will do is turn and face the hound and attack it for all it can before it is ripped to shreds. That analogy helped my mister understand what happens to me with the trigger... the first two choices are removed, he continues to attack verbally and waves his arms around or tries to touch me and "wham" I go into fight for my life mode because in that moment I am right back to the most violent abuse situations with a parent or partner and it is straight on survival for me.

There have been none of these situations in a great many years. Close but not all three. It took a long while to pick apart the triggered episode and try to understand and get my partner to understand where they came from and how to diffuse them rather that go there... which I used to call "zero to psycho in 2 seconds or less". The shame though evaporated when I understood what was happening and why I was flipping into fight mode.

Blame... though intensely uncomfortable is not a trigger for me.

 

[shimmerz]

anything I can do is always wrong. If I dissociate - that's wrong. If I shout back that's wrong. If I defend myself or others that's wrong. If I blow it of and just say ok, that's wrong. I can never work out then what's right.

Trapped. No way out. I so recognize this feeling as I feel it.

I have worked this yelling trigger by allowing myself to express my disapproval of behaviour towards me without showing anger (as I think I feel all anger is about victimizing and I don't buy into that).

Rather than freaking out (as so many seem to do), I have my own special language and tone that I use so that I can express myself rather than bottling in my reaction of attacks (perceived or real) that are directed at me. It seems to have taken me out of 'trapped mode' and allowed me to express myself in a way that feels fair to me.

 

[Beachlife09]

To amend my earlier statement, Yes, I do have that major trigger, but no, it's not my worst. (I missed that part)

 

[Nam]

Yes. Very much so. It doesn't even have to be directed at me. Especially if the yeller keeps at it. Finding more places to stab.

I was just thinking about this very thing the other day. Everywhere I go, I make sure I don't get into trouble. Every place I'm at except for home, I think of it as a potential place for hostility. I'm looking around when I was at this restaurant of everyone else and they seem so relaxed. They wouldn't have anything negative to feel at all until someone did yell at them. And yet I go around waiting for it to happen although it doesn't. Wouldn't it be nice to not have that feeling? To just be yourself wherever you are until that dread is warranted? How nice that would be. But instead, I overreact if someone is annoyed with me. Even if it's something stupid like I had lots of stuff in my cart and the cashier sighed. Hate it, hate it. I don't know where it comes from. I had critical parents but they rarely yelled. Maybe my birth parents yelled? I know my mother did, but I'm more afraid of male yelling than female yelling...so....yeah.