missmeliss
New Here
Not sure if I need to be encouraged to go to this gathering or if I just need validation for avoidance.
I have not formally introduced myself on this site yet but definitely will sometime this weekend. I am undergoing specialized trauma therapy for PTSD (witnessing the murder of my mother and her best friend years and years ago) and it has brought my symptoms completely out of remission. I have a very close young friend who is having her baby shower today. I woke up at 4am this morning and realized, there is no way I can go. This is a major pattern for me and it goes something like this:
I avoid people who love me because they want to see me happy and content. Said people become hurt by the lack of contact in our relationship and begin to resent me especially if they are going through major life events.. aka having her first baby in less than one month. I have been entirely withdrawn for the entire duration of her pregnancy and literally, I swear, lost track of the fact that 8 months have come and gone. She is 19 years old and her social network is also in the younger age range. They have all sort of concluded in their mind that I am an awful friend who claims to care but doesn't not make an effort to show it. I can think of about seven females who will be present at this baby shower that will be giving me a cold shoulder and who will go out of their way to ensure that I do not feel welcome or valued. That feels like something I cannot tolerate today. In any way. I am faced with thoughts like, "This baby shower is not optional, if you don't go, you may as well say goodbye to this friendship forever". This just shoves me down into this spiral of darkness further and here I am, not even able to face the cattiness of people who do not know me or love me and forfeit being a part of this special day for her. Can I talk myself out of this? I feel like I can't.
I woke my boyfriend up this morning (earlier than he was interested in being awake) saying, "I need to talk to you. I don't feel like I can go to the baby shower". He responds with, "Why are you whining? Then don't go!!!" It seems so straightforward and easy for the average person. Why is everything so complicated for me? Super sad and frustrated. Time is ticking. I still have to make the damn baby blanket.
I have not formally introduced myself on this site yet but definitely will sometime this weekend. I am undergoing specialized trauma therapy for PTSD (witnessing the murder of my mother and her best friend years and years ago) and it has brought my symptoms completely out of remission. I have a very close young friend who is having her baby shower today. I woke up at 4am this morning and realized, there is no way I can go. This is a major pattern for me and it goes something like this:
I avoid people who love me because they want to see me happy and content. Said people become hurt by the lack of contact in our relationship and begin to resent me especially if they are going through major life events.. aka having her first baby in less than one month. I have been entirely withdrawn for the entire duration of her pregnancy and literally, I swear, lost track of the fact that 8 months have come and gone. She is 19 years old and her social network is also in the younger age range. They have all sort of concluded in their mind that I am an awful friend who claims to care but doesn't not make an effort to show it. I can think of about seven females who will be present at this baby shower that will be giving me a cold shoulder and who will go out of their way to ensure that I do not feel welcome or valued. That feels like something I cannot tolerate today. In any way. I am faced with thoughts like, "This baby shower is not optional, if you don't go, you may as well say goodbye to this friendship forever". This just shoves me down into this spiral of darkness further and here I am, not even able to face the cattiness of people who do not know me or love me and forfeit being a part of this special day for her. Can I talk myself out of this? I feel like I can't.
I woke my boyfriend up this morning (earlier than he was interested in being awake) saying, "I need to talk to you. I don't feel like I can go to the baby shower". He responds with, "Why are you whining? Then don't go!!!" It seems so straightforward and easy for the average person. Why is everything so complicated for me? Super sad and frustrated. Time is ticking. I still have to make the damn baby blanket.
