Isolation What Do I Do Now?

[Silentwhisper43]

First of all I'm very new to all of this. Being in a new relationship with someone who has ptsd has been interesting if nothing. Doing as much educating and taking care of myself as possible, he seems to have really been hit with the mother load of trauma from what he's told me, he has been pretty open even though I never asked so at least I knew 'on paper' what was going on and didn't get completely blindsided. Currently I'm being pushed out and he's isolated himself. Told me to leave him the last time I saw him with basically no communication since. He seemed like a different person everything setting him off, angry, upset, depressed. Been about 5 days now, nothing too long. He will send a single text maybe to say he can't stop thinking about everything, otherwise nothing. It's hard but I told him I would give him space and I'm here if he needs me. All he said was 'I really appreciate it'. I guess I'm a little confused on two things right now.

1. Should I wait? From what I'm reading this is normal behavior and is something I'll need to get used to. Which is fine as long I get more clear communication about when that space is needed, tell me before you disappear so I'm not worried about you being alive. But also how long do I let him shut me out before I should take this as the end of our relationship. He never said he wanted to end it but our actions speak louder than our words as the saying goes

2. Is the attraction phase and the "good" part of our relationship any more real than the isolation part. This is what I'm struggling with myself. What I mean to say is how can I take that part as being sincere. Was the intense closeness and attraction real or should I take that with a grain of salt as well. I'm assuming our relationship and closeness has put added stress on him so why did he try to start something to begin with? Were his feelings and emotions as sincere then as they are now? I know I'm taking this personally, and it's not about me, but since I'm a part of this I'm trying to find my place and sort this out in my head. Any advice from those who can give it. Spending my days in nature and playing my favorite video games has been nice and has given me time to re charge and relax, he is intense if nothing else, but at some point I'll become emotionally detached to protect my own heart. Trying to hang on. Super confused and sad. Lucky that I have strong supportive people around me. Of course they're all telling me to run for the hills ;) guess I've always been a bit of a fighter, stubborn could be a better word ha, when it comes to those I care about. Hope you all have a good day and thanks for listening :)

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello friend,

As a supporter, I do want to lend in on maybe some supportive words if I can :) To clarify, I don't have PTSD, my sufferer does. However, I have ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome, so my reactions to stress are very strong and sometimes I isolate when I have sensory overloads, or stress overload in general.

I can't answer for you whether or not he genuinely cares or loves you; that's something that you have to ask himself once he gets out of the isolation phase, if at all. Please know that isolation can last for days, to weeks, months, or in some of the worst cases, even years. If it gets to the 'years' point, that's where I think concern should be brought up. Still, going with the assumption that he does genuinely love and care about you, I'm going to tell you about my personal experience regarding stress reactions, as well as the reactions of my sufferer: my sufferer is one that hates isolation and silence because it reminds her of crippling feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Meanwhile, when I am stressed, the voices and expectations of others skyrocket to make me even more stressed - being a necessity for someone's happiness is stressful as all hell. I can imagine that this must be how a lot of people feel - if they're going through a rough time, they will ultimately feel extremely guilty for being unhappy, stressed out and wanting space, yet having a 'perceived' idea that they are necessary for someone's happiness. That people will grow anxious, ask questions, grow worried. No one wants people to be distressed due to our own shortcommings. Alternatively, isolation can be done for many reasons - the world is abruptly overwhelming, people suddenly feel dangerous, even those who care about them. Sometimes, ESPECIALLY those who care about them, because they're the most likely to call and text and ask what's wrong. This might be why people push away loved ones and tell them to 'move on' when they isolate. They do love them, they really do. But it doesn't feel like they're safe. People all have varying reasons to isolate. Maybe if he ever does come around, you could ask him why he does, so that you don't have to worry about him? Some sufferers appreciate coming back to a loved one, and seeing them act just as if they saw them yesterday, no biggie. Some sufferers appreciate comfort and confirmation that it's okay. It's all about communication.

I know that when a partner with PTSD isolates, it can be really, really hard not to take it personally. But know that he does love you it seems, and he's truly just trying to calm himself. The question is, are YOU okay with this isolation? If you feel like you can't take this happening often, then it would be wise to consider moving on. If you think you can handle a relationship like this, then know that establishing communication boundaries and the dos and don'ts of what to do when he isolates again, would most likely be helpful to you both :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Those are hard questions to answer. First welcome to the forum! :hug:

Sufferer here and when I self isolate, its different each time. Normally when Im pushing people away, its due to wanting to 'leave them before they get tired of me and leave me' but as im pushing im screaming in my head "please dont leave". So for me, pushing people away may be different. I also suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder as well as PTSD & they do have some cross symtoms and so its hard to know, for me, which one is causing what at times.

Was your relationship sincere? Only he can answer that but speaking for myself id say yes. My self isolation & pushing away people have nothing to do with how sincere the relationship is.

You sound like am amazing supporter to give him space and for understanding!

Just speaking for myself, if im self isolating, I need to be told to stop isolating (something my therapist does) and if someone was there just quitely sitting with me it would help. Nothing said in particular and at times i cant talk about my trauma or anything related to it...i just need to get my mind off of it.

If im away from the person, a text to say "im thinking about you, i care, and just want to make sure you are ok" and i may or may not respond but a text like that i would probably say "im ok" just so they dont worry.

Its hard to say how long to give it before moving on. Self isolation can be a few hrs, a few days, to weeks or months. It a lot of the time is when addicts relaps, or have the want to use (for me). It depends on him hun.

How is he isolating? Were you living together and he moved out or were you living seperately and he just stopped talking?

Does he have a therapist? If not, can you gently encourage one? Its important that he's not dealing with this alone and has a therapist to help him manage his symptoms.

Big :hug:s to you!

 

[glass half full]

First of all I'm very new to all of this. Being in a new relationship with someone who has ptsd...

Welcome. You'll be glad you came here. I can relate so well to what you have said above down to being a fighter for what ls important to you and those you love

My situation is similar in many ways, except my vet works overseas. When he isolates there's no warning, he just stops communicating, until he's ready to again.

For what its worth I would say that the sweetness,of your early relationship was real. I say this knowing that I also want the sweetness of my early relationship to have been real- it WAS real and that's how I fell hard enough for this man that I have decided to hang in there for him. Its hard though and I realize that an ongoing relationship.with him will include cycles when he is available and participating and times when he goes dark as he is now.

I would suggest taking stock of where you in life and what's important to you for your future. A future with him will almost certainly include more of what you have experienced this far. Hopefully the rough edges can smoothed out, but who knows how much? I take comfort from reading posts from supporters who have had many years in successful relationship with their sufferers. I believe I have the strength and assertiveness they say is necessary to achieve that. But it also requires a sufferer who is willing to put in the work on him or herself. I dont yet know whether my man is willing to do that. I hope so.

My man and I are both the point in which children are an issue. He has two, and I can't have children. If I were in a place im life on which I wanted children, I dont know that I would stick it out with my man. I know he's a proud and loving father to his now grown kids, but he wasn't around much for them and wouldn't be now. I am established in my profession and own my own home, so the issues of setting up a home together would not be big on our horizon. He has his own home as well and frankly I would advocate maintaining both homes so he has somewhere to retreat to when he needs to.

I've gotten overly long here, but my point is think about where you are in life- these kinds of issues that I raised above. Is that how you can live your life?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As a sufferer, I do agree fully with @glass half full and not only will it more of the same but until symptoms are being maintained, for me it has gotten a million times worse; approaching hopefully being better.

This is something to consider to as symptoms generally get worse before they get better.

I really hope he has a therapist as its next to impossible (next to, im sure some have done it) to get better on your own.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome, Silentwhisper43!

Being a mate of someone with PTSD can be challenge, that is for sure. I'm so glad you joined this forum, as you will probably meet many people who will offer their support and their wisdom to you.

As I have read the responses of other members above, I see that they have said most of that I had to offer.

What I can add, since it gives much of good support to supporter's needs, (for example, how to keep your self esteem intact, how to be kind to yourself and your mate, how to have boundaries, and how to let your mate's process be theirs-while you can focus on yours, etc.) is that going to Alanon Family Groups has been very helpful to me, when my mates had PTSD and weren't managing their emotions or isolation well. (Many Alcoholics have PTSD-like traumas in their childhood, but do not identify them as such.)

The Alanon Family Groups meetings coupled with this forums insight to living with someone with PTDS is a good combination.

 

[Silentwhisper43]

Hello friend,

As a supporter, I do want to lend in on maybe some supportive words if I can :...

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I can understand his need to be by himself and I know as we grow and learn to communicate it will become easier as I know he has a support system. He is going back to the doctor next week so I'm just trying to let it play out until then. He is still making contact with me so that's a good thing and even when he was pushing me away was still saying things like 'I need you'. I know I have to be ok with his need for space it's a natural instinct to want to know the person you care for is safe. Thank fully he does live with his brother and sister in-law so I know he's not completely alone!

 

[Silentwhisper43]

Those are hard questions to answer. First welcome to the forum! :hug:

Sufferer here and when...

Thanks for your reply! I feel pretty good in the fact that our feelings were sincere I'm trying not to get too caught up in my own emotions. He basically stopped contacting me and wouldn't hang out on days that he said he would. Wouldn't respond to texts etc. We don't live together which is good so we both have our own space physically. We saw each other briefly Monday which was a disaster he was angry and upset and told me to leave, while simultaneously texting me saying he needed me. Aside from the random text about once a day I hear nothing so I'll just wait it out a bit. He's still in contact with me so he hasn't totally shut me out. As far as therapy he has a doctors appointment set up at the VA with his therapist next week after he lost it about a week and a half a go he let someone back into his life that is toxic and they ended up doing a lot of drugs and he over dosed and ended up in the hospital after he stopped breathing. I didn't find out until two days after the incident! My trust was shattered but I realize that's not him so my fears from him isolating stem mostly from that otherwise im pretty easy going when it comes to space. so I'm sorta just riding it out until the appointment and we get a chance to talk. I don't know how he deals with it all! You are all so strong it's impressive. The small amount of insight I've gained has truly opened my eyes to human suffering making me so much more empathetic to those around me. So that's a good thing even if this doesn't work out.

 

[glass half full]

Thanks for your reply! I feel pretty good in the fact that our feelings were sincere I'm trying...

It sounds like you have a lot of strength and a good outlook already. I hope that he grasps what an asset to him you already are.
The first couple of times my vet isolated, I didn't really grasp what was going on. Because he can't tell me a lot of detail about his work, I just assumed he was off the grid and unable to call or email. It was the third time he went dark that I began to realize there was something more going on and reached out for help. In learning more about PTSD I was able to see what had really been going on, especially since he had suggested it was less an issue for him than it had been several years back.
Once I realized that's what was going on, I was very motivated to find out even more.
Since your guy is also a vet, you may want to look for info specific to military training and what combat is really like. That helped me get a better idea of why he does what he does. Emotional withdrawal and minimal or even no communication are actually very important survival skills that have been trained into his very brain processes. As such they will never really go away, although the volume can be turned down.

Reading the stories of both sufferers and supporters here along with learning about combat training have been a huge contributer to developing strength and finding comfort for me. Hopefully you will find what works for you here, too. All the best to you both.

 

[EveHarrington]

1. Should you wait?

I think you should. However, just how long you wait is highly individual. some partners are ok waiting for longer periods of time while others cannot handle the distance and are out the door pretty quickly. As time goes on you'll be able to judge the situation a bit better; whether or not he will be open to a relationship or not.

2. I think all parts of a relationship are real. Discounting one part or the other and chalking it up to a disorder does a disservice to you and to him both.

Why did he enter a relationship if it's stressful?

See, that's the thing. Not one sufferer on the face of the planet can accurately forecast our stress levels 100% in a future relationship. Sometimes we think we're ok so we jump right in only to realize the stress level is higher than expected. We all desire to be close to other people (innate human nature) but at the same time we have to juggle stressors. It's a never ending balancing game.


I'd be careful about soliciting advice from friends. They don't know the nature of PTSD. What appears to an outsider to be selfish, inconsiderate behavior can oftentimes be a sufferer who is engaging in self care (needs, not wants). This can be confusing at times, I know, because there is indeed a line between self care and selfishness, however it most likely is at a different place that most of the rest of the population.

 

[glass half full]

Eve, thank you for sharing your insights here! I beg pardon in advance if I cross- talk as much as second your advice on how much to look for support from friends and family.

First- your point about juggling stressors is so very succinct and helpful. It reflects why I'm still hanging in at six weeks with only one, brief email during that time. I know my sufferer has a lot on his plate right now and I have no doubt there's stuff I don't even know about. His contract ends in June and I'd bet my paycheck that pending unemployment is talking a huge toll on him. So much uncertainty has to be hell for him and its only one issue he's grappling with. I would like to think that despite the fact that he's isolated from me- that I'm kind of like the chocolate bunny you save from your Easter basket to enjoy later. You forget its there for awhile, but when you have time to come back to it later- mmmmm chocolate!! LOL!

I do want to second your suggestion about being aware of the likelihood that friends and family who are either unfamiliar with PTSD or are minimally familiar, simply won't be able to be good supporters for very long. I have friends who have surprised me with their inability to relate to the issues that are PTSD classics in my relationship. One is even a mental health professional! I love her dearly and she is one of my best friends, but she can't forgive my sufferer for the hurt I went through when he tried to break it off with me months ago. I have no doubt she's an empathic therapist, but she's very protective of me. I can't and don't look to her for support on these issues. Finding this forum was a blessing because I found information from people who were experiencing what I have experienced. That has been so important in being able to get strong and stay strong. It feels weird at first not to turn to your usual support team on these issues, but its not effective.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Silentwhisper43 I agree an informed decision, also one that is right for your heart, is the best one.

I think most people, who aren't outright jerks or hurtful & hateful, really don't want to harm anyone else. Least of all anyone they care about.

It sounds like he was really in bad shape with his 'toxic company'. :(

I'm kind of like the chocolate bunny you save from your Easter basket..

Such a thing exists..? :wideeyed: ;) (Sweet. :) )

Best wishes to you all.