Isolation

[Trinomial]

I am an introverted person. I make observations and think a lot. I tend to keep my feelings to myself. I feel drained after social events.

Occasionally I reach out. I'll talk or express a feeling or opinion. Usually I get validation which is not my intention. I seek to have my feelings and thoughts challenged so that I may consider new ways of looking at things.

My husband is always probing me. "What's on your mind?" "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?"...

And it really annoys me.

It's nice that he cares and all, but why can't I be left alone with my own thoughts?

Why are some people so intrusive? This is an every day, all day thing. I just want to be left alone.

I feel happier and more peaceful when I don't have to keep answering the same questions over and over.

So I tell him that nothing is wrong, or that I want to be left alone. Sometimes he acts as though I hurt his feelings. So then I ask, "why do you need to constantly be engaged in conversation with me?"

Sometimes I tell him that he needs to learn how to self-stimulate, because he always complains he is bored. He also never stops talking unless he is asleep.

I miss being alone.

 

[Darkness Shines]

Why are some people so intrusive? This is an every day, all day thing. I just want to be left alone.

Because we're curious and hyper and like to hear what others are thinking all the time, as well as constantly express our own thoughts. I think for people as extroverted as I am, sometimes thoughts and feelings don't even seem real until we've fully expressed them to others. The need for validation of thoughts through expression can be pretty extreme for some of us, which is probably why your husband validates what you say instead of trying to make you 'think more' or whatever. He communicates that way because that's what he would want if your positions were reversed.

So I tell him that nothing is wrong, or that I want to be left alone. Sometimes he acts as though I hurt his feelings. So then I ask, "why do you need to constantly be engaged in conversation with me?"

Sometimes I tell him that he needs to learn how to self-stimulate, because he always complains he is bored. He also never stops talking unless he is asleep.

Does he have someone else handy to be engaged in conversation with? Because I know that for me, I'll engage whoever is handy. So if it's just the two of you, he's engaging you because he needs to be engaged with someone and you're the only one there!

I know how to entertain myself to some degree, I like to read and write and stuff, but I do have a pretty low tolerance for solitary activities. I may entertain myself for a few hours, but then I just want to talk and interact with someone again. I may often say I'm bored, when what I really mean is I want to talk. Because of how I can't conceptualize things properly without someone interacting with me and giving me feedback on what I'm thinking.

So maybe your husband's mind works in a similar way to mine in this respect. It would explain why his feelings get hurt, because in my mind the only possible reason for someone not to talk with me is because they don't like me, because that's generally the only reason I don't talk to someone.

I don't really know what to say about how to keep this from being an ongoing conflict. My poor brother is like you, prefers being alone for whatever reasons, and the only reason I don't drive him into a nervous breakdown is because I have my talkative, extroverted husband to direct my energy onto most of the time.

So maybe that gives you some insight into how your husband is thinking.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi, it is wonderful that he cares about how you are feeling, but I do understand the need for alone time.

Try telling him before he asks how you are, that you want some quiet time, maybe go have a relaxing, nice smelling bath, light candles, lie back and chill. Then pamper yourself with nice bodylotion. Something just for you.

If you have a hobby, do that.

If all else fails tell him you have a headache and you need to lie down quietly or go for a walk.

Take care
KP

 

[blueangel371115]

my parents are like that. They don't understand what's going on my head sometimes. Tey say 'well, you're over reacting relax.' or 'you're making it up'. It's kind of frustrating. I'd rather be left alone most times but my mother thinks I should socialize more. But I rather not.

 

[Srain]

Totally get it, I have read where some of us just are introverts, I think some times we are just too hard on ourselves and always trying to find a 'cause', to be honest with you. I know I have issues but the truth is, I like my solitude. That doesn't mean I don't think I shouldn't interact, I do, because I can let way too much time go by without ever actually being in a social setting and I'm not that good with them but I do prefer 1 on 1 conversations and in the end I rejuvenate alone. Something like 28% of people in this world do (don't quote on that number, I've got a terrible head for numbers). It's just a point I'm trying to make.


I sometimes tell my husband I just really need to be alone or need a time out. It has nothing to do with him and you would think with all the time I am alone I wouldn't need it but I do. He is really great about giving me my space but I think sometimes it hurts his feelings so I want to reiterate that it is NOT about him, I just need to take my space. He will have to deal with that on his own, I am not responsible for everyone's feelings as long as I'm clear and concise. I hope I'm making sense here.

All issues aside. I think it's OK to be an introvert too.

Rain

 

[No Folded Hands]

It can be tough being an introvert in a world that tends to lable us as abnormal for not being extroverts, let alone being an introvert with PTSD. How do you measure isolation, for example, when some of the people you're trying to measure it for are extroverted and some introverted? It can be a real pain.

But I wonder from your post if you're wanting to be alone, or if you're wanting to not have to talk, or even not have to talk about what is going on in your head constantly. I have no idea if it's something that would appeal to your husband --he may be like the person in another response who needs to talk to properly process thoughts and feelings-- but you can try to figure out if you're seeking isolation or just quiet. My fella and I enjoy watching movies together, even though he is not a big movie person. I think the point for us is that it becomes "cuddle time", closeness, affection (not sex), sort of renewing our belief in each other and in us as a couple. We don't talk much, excpet for now and again a comment on the movie. Sometimes one or the other of us falls asleep for awhile. That's ok, too, because it means we're comfy enough together for that to happen.

 

[blueangel371115]

True. I miss cuddling and closeness. But I'm afraid to let someone close again. For fear that they'd physically harm me or kill me. Plus if my own parents can't believe me, how I am I supposed to convince a boyfriend? It sucks, I can't sit on the same bed as my without shaking and he's NEVER and I emphasize never, done anything to harm me. But I am an introvert and an introvert with trust issues can have a difficult time socializing.

 

[cakey]

Blueangel I am in the exact same boat as you. I can't even stand having friends most times. It seems like everyone I've met since this has all began I have 'erased' from my life in one way or another. I wish I could read minds...

Seems that the closer they are the harder it is to keep them around.

It mostly hurts because I am such a kind and compassionate person with a lot to give to those around me. Once they get close though I run run run run run RUN. What do they have planned? Have I been misinterperating their intentions? {head whirs into an infinite set of possibilities then seeks quick solidity}

Striving for isolation, then not finding fulfillment in it. then striving for closeness but all the doors have been shut. *sigh* At least we've all got each other :].

 

[Trinomial]

I just miss being alone.

I write down my thoughts and experiences if I feel compelled, or I talk to my therapist. I get frustrated with redundancy and the fact that he gets emotional over my past. Even I don't get angry or cry about it. Then he tries to portray how he saved me from a horrible situation. I think he's codependent. So I do my best to set boundaries and try to word what I say to him in a more thoughtful way so as not to hurt his feelings.

Upon reflecting this more, I realize that I was also upset with myself for feeling annoyed at the situation. It is okay to feel annoyed sometimes, especially if I am being pushed in a direction that I don't want to go in.

It's also okay to prefer aloneness. Before I was with him, I spent most of my time alone. School aside, I would go for weeks without talking to friends or family, and I felt happier and more peaceful.

I don't like social expectations and I don't like it when someone wants to constantly talk about my trauma. If I want to share something, I will share it. I don't like the constant probing and worrying. I've got enough to deal with--there is no need to add to the stress.

 

[Cthulhu]

I definitely can relate to that. I am an introvert, too and I hate how we are in some way are seen as "wrong", ill, missing something or whatever. I didn't choose to be one, I was born like that and cannot change it. It's like being seen as kind of defective in our society, less valuable persons.
But it still hurts when someone calls me quiet, calm or introverted. I hate it, like I said, it is like he or she just looked right into my soul and teared out one of the most hurting pieces of all.
On the inside I'm absolutely not calm, I'm rotating all the time it is just that nobody sees it on the outside most of the time.

There is a huge difference between spending time alone and being lonely for people like us. For me, spending time with myself fills up my energy, I can't and don't want to be alone all the time- I'm a social being as everybody else is. But I need that time, I desperately need it.

My partner is kind of talkative, not really an extrovert I think but he just tells everything he's experienced, thought about, done since we met last time when I see or talk to him. It has always been a problem for me when I came back from work (a job in which I have to talk much and am in a room with other people all the time) and he instantly started to talk and talk and talk... It just made me explode because I already was drained off my energy because of the socialising at work and then I came home and hadn't got just one minute for myself and it started again...

Fortunately, he doesn't mind and accept it since I told him which way this works in me. He is the first person ever whom I lived with who really accepted it.

I can understand and accept that many people need communication to properly process their thoughts- I try to help them with that as long as I have enough energy. But I hate when people try to pull something out of me which I have no urge to tell, which I just don't want to talk about.

 

[Philippa]

I used to have a boyfriend like your husband. Always wanting to know every little thing going on in my head...and I had to say to him eventually "Look, it's nice that you're interested, but I really don't have to share every little thing in my head with you, and I don't really want to either...can you please learn to accept that?"

It sounds like he is wanting you to see him as your hero, for rescuing you from trauma...which does sound a bit co-dependant? Maybe he feels like you are so self-reliant that you don't need him, and that is why he is reminding you of these things...more for his own self-validation than for you?

it's annoying I know. I basically prefer having no friends, even though I have some...as the ones I do have are quite demanding in ways that I just don't want to have to feel obliged to fulfill. I prefer just the simplicity of being alone, but then, at times I do get the urge to want to be around people, like go to a party or something, but don't know many people at the moment or haven't been invited to one in ages.

 

[Philippa]

I thought I might add that if you are interested in having your thoughts and feelings challenged I know a great forum that does just this very thing, so if you are interested PM me. It might solve your issue with this need of yours without having to present your thoughts to people who only validate you?