Issues With Therapist

[qwyoey]

I want her to be honest about her policies and therapy and how she wants to work and to measure progress. She has never expressed that and it bothers me. She can't be honest about her policies.

Sounds like you have very different communications styles. I would counter your belief that she is not being "honest" just because she hasn't expressly given you for instance I written handout of policies. This isn't dishonest. This is really about trust and your ability to trust that she is setting goals for you and doesn't communicate like you would like her to. You say the other sessions were just about money. But I think you can find many many people on this board who would find the idea of ONLY doing EMDR sessions with no preparation or integration sessions very challenging and even retraumatising. To do her job, she needs you to trust in her to have some leeway to gage how you are doing. The chit-chat at beginning of sessions often isn't just that to your therapist- it's a good way to really see how you are managing week to week. Small things like eye contact, posture etc tell your therapist a critical and important piece of your story.

If this were just about money, then what you are talking about is therapist abuse. Nothing you mentioned makes me believe she is dragging this out for money. Money is a big trust issue for many people...

If you want a somewhat robotic approach, wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am, then I can say I know people who do EMDR on themselves. You can google it.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I like your response. I like your bluntness. I know what you think about it. You are honest. I disagree with some of the stuff you said but I respect that you are honest. This is what I want in a relationship. Disagree with me tell me what you think. Name calling is not OK and putdowns are not OK but being direct is OK. I did not say "the customer is always right" but I did say intentionally that I am paying for therapy and I want my time to be used efficiently - that means be direct and honest about your boundaries and policies and decisions. I never get that from her. I don't know what to expect. I would respect her more and trust her more if she is direct and sets clear boundaries. Even if I don't like them I would respect her more. This way I am losing respect for her because she does not set boundaries with me. She lets me walk all over her. Maybe subconsciously I do want her to stand up for herself and for her approach in therapy. She is not doing that and I can't help thinking that she is not doing that because she is afraid to lose me as a client and that she wants me for the money. If she were to take a stand and set boundaries I would respect her and trust her more and know that she is not trying to drag me for the money.

 

[Suzetig]

that means be direct and honest about your boundaries and policies and decisions

What boundaries, policies and decisions are you seeming clarity on? Scheduling, session length, length of therapy, between session contact, confidentiality?

It seems to me that you're baiting her, wanting her to push back and tell you off so you can do whatever you usually do when you push like this. That's all therapeutic work and if she's worth her salt she won't rise to it but may ask you to explore where else that happens in your relationships.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

NOPE. I just got a therapist for the summer in Montreal and she was upfront about her policies and how she charges. She told me her sessions are 60 minutes and that with EMDR it sometimes goes 15 minutes over and she does not charge for that. She was honest about what way is she willing to work on, she gave other suggestions and told me why she thinks it might be beneficial to me, how often she can meet with me - once a week - and that I can always email her and ask her stuff. I was also honest with her about what I want to work on, specific memories and negative beliefs and all the available resources I have - that is a lot.

My therapist is not upfront about money stuff. For EMDR processing I was the one that told her that I want 90-minute sessions because 50 minutes were not enough. I pay way more for that. Also, my current therapist never told me how I can contact her outside of therapy. I don't doubt she is doing the best she can with the tools she is given but so am I and I am concerned about money. I am a graduate student with no family to support me. I pay for all the sessions out of pocket because my insurance does not cover it and I earn my money from doing internships in the summer. This is my reality and I have the right to be angry. Think I am a bully that is fine by me. I need to protect myself and my needs. If I don't have money or I am not functioning properly she is not gonna take care of me nor is anybody else. Yes, I am rightfully angry about my money and time being efficiently used in therapy. Cause if I ran out of money and I am not feeling better about myself and not resolving the issues I came for in therapy than I will be the one left on the street. Don't tell me to be compassionate. I am compassionate towards myself and my needs. This is my reality.

 

[The Albatross]

My shrink and others had no contact outside of therapy. A la carte treatment is clearly not working for you Universal... what happens if you allow a professional to guide the process instead of you doing it yourself?

Are you misdirecting frustration to "anger"? Take a look at your core beliefs on vulnerability.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

what happens if you allow a professional to guide the process instead of you doing it yourself?

If I let her guide the process she goes into just experimenting and breathing and mindfulness stuff but not into processing. If I don't push her towards goals she keeps losing focus. I stated that in my email. There is are no clear goals in therapy. I keep telling her every session what I want to work on but she misses the point. I am not the only one. My friend, I referred to her had the same experience. My friend has a talk therapists that she likes and she wanted EMDR therapist. She told her that and my therapists still kept dragging her for 5 sessions without doing anything besides talking not even the safe place. My friend's experience is the same that my therapist is not focused and therapy is expensive. I am more direct than my friend. I keep telling my therapist what I want that is why I get it. My friend said, "I've been there for 5 sessions and we've talked about doing safe place next session and then next session the same etc but we are not doing it and I've already paid $600-$700."

 

[The Albatross]

What is wrong with guided experimentation? It is clear that her approach is on management skills/tools... yours is on processing. If you're really about maximizing your "therapeutic dollars" and keeping score... you may want to access your own attitude about how you are approaching your session time. Ultimately your rational mind knows, all they are doing is giving you a mediated space for you to do your own work. Resistance to coping skills and not allowing the process eats up dollars. Hell yeah, that's why people sit in therapy for decades, but I did it in 9 months.

 

[joeylittle]

@UniversalBeing - I think you've got a lot of complex thoughts and feelings built up around this situation. The take-away for the future might be that when you notice you are getting frustrated, speak up sooner rather than later. It will save you some stress.

In this situation - I think your email is a good platform for discussion; I do not think that communicating only via email to address these issues is the most productive way. You are doing some amount of mind-reading - not tons, but some - enough that it would be useful to know if the therapist has the same motivations you are ascribing to her.

Regardless, I think it's good that you are bringing your concerns forward. I'd encourage you now to get into a session - even if it's a final, closure session - and use your email as a sort of agenda, so she can respond, and you can work through some of your anger/frustration.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@The Albatross for me not agreeing with people and getting angry is progress. In the past, I would usually agree and give in to what I am being told. I would do what others want me to do. I would act the way they want me to do. I see these as very healthy for me. I can stand up for myself and confront her. She actually got me this far. The last session we processed a memory about me being honest with my mom and she is telling me that I am hurting her feelings. After we processed it my belief changed to I am not responsible for her feelings. I can be honest and angry with people. This is how relationships work. After the session, I realized I was afraid of hurting my therapist's feelings and now I can be honest with her. That is the paradox of the whole situation. She healed me enough for me to see how I was deceiving myself. This is progress for me and this is real relationships. You argue in real relationships and negotiate stuff and people get angry and honest and that's when issues are resolved. Relationships are made or break during this conflicts. This is a test of a relationship.

 

[The Albatross]

Then where's the expense coming in at since you are making progress?

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Then where's the expense coming in at since you are making progress?

That I have to push her and drive the therapy and she is telling me that I am rushing her. She wants to take her time. And taking her time is at my expense. I need some support from other clients here. Why are clients defending the therapist and attacking me? How do you know that she is not trying to delay therapy to keep me longer because of the money? Why are people telling me to be compassionate towards her and to talk and resolve issues on time but not saying anything about her part of the problem? I admitted in my email that

I can own my part about not speaking up earlier about this stuff but I am a client in need of help who expects my therapists has my best interest in mind."

Why there are no clear goals? If there are no clear goals in therapy she can keep me forever. I want to have clear goals and then when they are met I can decide what I want to do. The questions I am asking myself is why she has not been honest with me? Why hasn't she told me the policies? If she tells me that I can get angry and decide what I want to do. I can negotiate with her. Therapists have a responsibility too. It takes two to tango.

It is true I am partially mind reading and I am honest about that. I wrote that in my email too.

 

[Suzetig]

What are your clear goals for therapy? Your therapist works for you, and you're starting to communicate your needs more clearly which you identify as progress. What do you want from your therapy - I hear you want efficiency and for her to push you on through "processing" but there are lots of parts to processing which go beyond the active phase of emdr some of which involve preparation and integration time.

You may find clients (of which I am one) aren't supporting you because it sounds like she's doing her job. You do have clarity about boundaries re time and cost - it sounds like you don't like them. You want ease and it sounds like she's following the treatment protocol but you don't like it.

Perhaps your new T might have the structure etc you seem to need in a way that's helpful to you.