Issues with weight/possibly being attractive to men

[frogthroat]

I'm starting up the gym with my brother tomorrow and I'm really pushing the healthy food and portions just because physically I want to feel good. I know a side effect of this will be me losing weight.
I've been overweight since I started being attacked by the male abuser at 12. Preteen me thought if I got fat he would stop raping me but that didn't work.
This isn't fair to all men but I just correlate me being attractive with being attacked by men specifically. I get so far. I lose weight and then I freak out.
I realize that I'm the master of my own destiny and I can tell a guy I'm not interested. I also know most men aren't frothing at the mouth rapists that are going to jump out of the bushes or something. It's definitely a distortion and a very troublesome one.
Anybody here experience something like this with massive weight loss? How did you get through it?

 

[FauxLiz]

@RuffledFeathers i too have been down that road. Gained weight to try and discourage male attention, twice I have lost the weight through diet and exercise and have made bad decisions related to men and regain Ed the weight. I want to start working out and I am trying to eat healthy as I have a landmark birthday coming in 2020 and I would like to feel better about myself but I am also terrified that I will make the same mistakes.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I have not had massive weight loss but I understand what you are saying. I hide behind my weight and do my best to not draw attention to myself. Bad haircut, no make up, and keep my weight on the high side and such. Since starting therapy I have lost about 30 pounds. I have started to just be as I feel comfortable but I get triggered when Im out and see a man look at me. I understand that they probably are not even looking at me for any reason other than I’m a person the walked past but it triggers something in me. I think it’s great you are being healthy for you:)

 

[grit]

To me this sounded like a cry for help like self-harming. I feel the weight is something you are hanging on to as material wise but the real weight is that you are afraid of men and that is really no difference than a person who does not want to eat (provided you are heterosexual and attracted to men naturally).
It is like your brain got stuck on the body while you were being abused and after the abuse you hate the body cause that is all that got stuck in your mind/brain.

I really hope you find the right therapy to go through this with you and unlock that stuck on the body at the point of trauma. it is strong internalisation but it is also doable extract in therapy.

wishing you well

 

[frogthroat]

I feel the weight is something you are hanging on to as material wise but the real weight is that you are afraid of men and that is really no difference than a person who does not want to eat (provided you are heterosexual and attracted to men naturally).
It is like your brain got stuck on the body while you were being abused and after the abuse you hate the body cause that is all that got stuck in your mind/brain.

I agree with this. I'm not heterosexual and so I'm not sure why this is something that I'm holding onto. I do believe it has to do with being stuck.
My definition of what would make me feel attractive isn't what most hetero males would find physically attractive anyway. I think it bothers me that this is even a thing. I don't understand why it's an issue for me. It's like old garbage I can't get rid of.
I don't want to be attractive to men period. I never have wanted to be. I've had one weird crush on a guy and it just felt uncomfortable and gross to me. For some reason weight gets tangled up with sexuality and it needs to get untangled.

 

[grit]

I agree with this. I'm not heterosexual and so I'm not sure why this is something that I'm holding onto. I do believe it has to do with being stuck.
My definition of what would make me feel attractive isn't what most hetero males would find physically attractive anyway. I think it bothers me that this is even a thing. I don't understand why it's an issue for me. It's like old garbage I can't get rid of.
I don't want to be attractive to men period. I never have wanted to be. I've had one weird crush on a guy and it just felt uncomfortable and gross to me. For some reason weight gets tangled up with sexuality and it needs to get untangled.

it sounds more like you are "punishing" your feminine side for having the abuse took place. Regardless, it is really sounding a self hate portion got activated during the trauma. It sounds daunting but the fact you are so aware of and articulate means it is on the surface and session with a good therapist could dissect and release this with you.

 

[Abstract]

Essentially we sometimes somatise our feelings. Instead of blaming the perpetrator we take ownership of the abuse in different ways. One possible way is to blame our bodies. Make them responsible. But they aren't. The perpetrator is. And what different perpetrators look for is different. Male, female whatever. I too tried to control my body in different ways to "protect" myself even though not quite in the way you do. Most of my eating disorders were related to seeming protection. Still have discomfort in being my natural weight. Part of me wants to be smaller and asexual and part wants to be bigger and hide in that. Your body really and truly wasn't responsible for what happened to you. Neither your body nor you.

I used to frump myself up too. Then realised I was probably sending out victim signals and pushed myself to challenge these things. Bought clothes that fit me. Brushed my hair. Made myself walk unright. Each time I would become properly symptomatic and not well. But doing it def started shrinking those feelings. Sometimes you need to just do it and then take the stuff that comes up as a result and try to process and work on that. You deserve to just be and not live yourself hiding.

 

[Friday]

I only REALLY care about my weight when I’m symptomatic as f*ck.

The reasons/result are different (if I’m not FIT I’m worse than useless, a liability, I’m going to get people killed) but the absolute belief, as well as the nonsensical nature of it? <low whistle> Cha.

When I’m doing well I care about my weight/appearance differently. Very differently. The absolute IF THIS THEN THIS doesn’t exist. My fitness doesn’t predict the future, nor does it grip my emotions in a vice, nor does it inform my value as a person. It’s simply aesthetics and desire. The difference between need & want.

When I’m doing badly I NEED to be fit, the same way I need air, in my mind/heart, and more than I need food/water/shelter. I can go without those and know I’ve got some space. Air? I get possessive as f*ck about. I need to breathe. I need to be fit. And I throw just as big a flailing tantrum (now now now! I need it now!) if I don’t have it, as if I don’t have air. The absolute belief that death will follow. Clearly, I don’t die nor does anyone else, but that doesn’t change how I think/feel about it. It’s one of the few things that exposure doesn’t help me with, but simply makes worse. Probably because I’ve both been fit and unfit during my trauma years, so they can both exist in that timeline just fine, and they both have the same core beliefs surrounding them.

What does help me is manually shifting into the mindset I have when I’m doing well. It’s about aesthetics and desire. Not life and death.

I can’t shift totally, replacing one with the other, but I can get them both existing in the same space. It’s very difficult to maintain when I’m doing badly. But it creates the space for when I’m starting to do well that it kind of elbows the other out of the way. It’s about this, not that. This. Not that. Gives me the freedom to achieve exactly what I want, without the core beliefs throttling me about it.

 

[frogthroat]

I only REALLY care about my weight when I’m symptomatic as f*ck.

I'm significantly overweight so I know losing weight is a good thing for me. I want to feel better, be more active, use exercise to release stress and replace alcohol etc. I don't think my motivation for weight loss is entirely symptomatic but I believe some of my issues regarding this and needing control are.

I used to frump myself up too. Then realised I was probably sending out victim signals and pushed myself to challenge these things.

Yes, I did this too and when I was pretending to be straight I dressed like a grandma. I still do it sometimes but I'm coming out of it.

Sometimes you need to just do it and then take the stuff that comes up as a result and try to process and work on that. You deserve to just be and not live yourself hiding.

I really don't think wanting to finally take responsibility for my health is me wanting to hide. I want to come out of the cycle of poor coping mechanisms, grow up, and do things despite how I feel. I've been heavy since jr. high and I'm ready to shed the false sense of security it gave me. I know I'm distressed right now so much so that there's no other option for me then to move forward and not look back. I want to do that. Getting myself in shape is going to really help me feel better but I already know the issues that come up as I get slimmer will be something I need to keep an eye on and work through when they come up.

 

[Abstract]

I really don't think wanting to finally take responsibility for my health is me wanting to hide

Hi RuffledFeathers, It certainly sounds like it is the opposite. You facing down the old patterns and coming out from those old feelings of hiding from being targeted. Or avoiding is a better word.

Getting myself in shape is going to really help me feel bette

Thats amazing. I can see that.

I already know the issues that come up as I get slimmer

I really do understand. It is hard. It sounds like you are very self aware and thats a lot of the battle. Do you have space in therapy to discuss this as all the backlash feelings surface?
So glad for you that you are taking this next step. Importantly too so that it doesn't keep you trapped in a place you don't want to be.

 

[frogthroat]

Do you have space in therapy to discuss this as all the backlash feelings surface?

I do. I went to therapy not really knowing what to do and now a year later I'm here back to not really knowing what to do besides try to take care of myself and get on meds. I'm starting to think I'm worse off then my T says and that she's just trying to keep me afloat but if I'm ready to face this then I'm doing well.

 

[Sideways]

Getting myself in shape is going to really help me feel better

This is putting it mildly. If you’ve kept yourself overweight for a long time, then it’s really going to blow your mind just how kuch of a difference it can make to your life. Putting aside all the benefits to your self concept, your health is going to change dramatically, physically and mentally for the better.

It’s totally normal to look for ways to prevent being abused again. Normal. Loads of us do it. Sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in really obvious ways.

Here’s the thing: when you start looking after yourself physically? You probably will become ‘more attractive’, insofar as people tend to be attracted to health & confidence, both of which you’re likely to get by priortising your physical health.

But! You’re most likely to notice that in the way people just naturally interact with you. Losing weight isn’t going to make you assault-fodder, but human nature is such that people may be more interested in chatting, sitting next to you on the bus, becoming your friend...socially that’s what’s ahead. And that may be more confronting than you currently realise (or maybe it’s not, and maybe that’s one reason the status quo feels safer).

Cognitive distortion side note: obese people get sexually assaulted. Short people, tall people, tanned people, ugly people, people with strange noses, people missing a limb, people with bad hair and bad skin...obesity isn’t somehow keeping you safe.

Mental health note: some Ts would argue that you can’t achieve good mental health without also taking care of the physical stuff. So do it. The benefits faaaar outweigh value of the cognitive distortion that’s been holding you back:)