Relationship It’s Nothing Personal, But It’s About Me ..... Too!

[SofieJ]

Dear Sunflowers,

I recognize most things in your message from my own relationship. "How do we not call it abuse?" you say, and that's something I've been thinking about too. It is abuse! When my partner was at his most abusive and we had a social worker come to our house my partner was very angry and said to me "how could you ask her here, as if I'm a wife abuser or something?". At that time I said to myself that he was right and of course I didn't want anyone to think he was a wife abuser. But the point is, he was carrying out "wife abusive acts"! And me not accepting that he was doing that to me made me lose myself, too! It's dangerous!
One good thing I've learnt at this forum is "your partner's PTSD is not his fault, but his behaviour is his fault". So if you're seeing no willingness from your partner to improve his behaviour, then save yourself and leave! Easier said than done though, I know......
Good luck!
xx

 

[Reclusive]

Boy am I struggling with this today. My fiance and I both suffer PTSD (him for our entire relationship, me just recently) and the one-sidedness of things really gets to me some days. I got out of bed and he asked me how I was doing. I said 'crappy' and he said 'that sucks' - that's all the support he's capable of giving me. His PTSD is significantly worse than mine, so I understand and accept that I'll be carrying more of the load, but some days it's just HARD.

 

[Nicolette]

His PTSD is significantly worse than mine, so I understand and accept that I'll be carrying more of the load, but some days it's just HARD.

Reclusive your pain is still your pain....I don't think measuring it is the right way to look at it as it's only from your perspective that you see another's pain. There is nothing to say that you just cope better because of who you are.

 

[Nicolette]

Now after 3 years, I am feeling so low and depressed . I am called names that I cannot repeat, I have been threatened, and been kept from leaving the house, accused of having affairs, called stupid and selfish. I feel so low now, I am unable to talk to him. He throws everything back in my face, or gets mad, I mean really angry if I try to express how I am feeling, because it seems to always end up being about him and how I dont understand .

I hear your pain and frustration sunflowers. May I suggest you try and different approach and when your husband calls you names etc you start simply by saying "please do not speak to me like that, I am your wife" or " I don't like who you are being right now" and leave the room. Start putting up boundaries, even small ones and starting re-finding yourself before becoming lost in the vortex of PTSD and walking on broken eggshells.

 

[timscooner]

Hi reclusive,
I think just scope for good thing.Hope the best.

 

[Reclusive]

Reclusive your pain is still your pain....I don't think measuring it is the right way to look at it as it's only from your perspective that you see another's pain. There is nothing to say that you just cope better because of who you are.

You're totally right... I just mean that I'm more functional than he is - my PTSD is less debilitating, I handle it better or whatever.

 

[Tom Mintz]

Hi Nicolette,

I totally know what you mean precisely. When she gets into one of her episodes like she is now, I try not to think about it, but I know she is hurting. She may not really mean the things she says and does but it still feels like a hot poker shoved into an open wound, but you are not allowed to show it hurts, because they push it in deeper then.

We have been together for 11 years, and I will tell you right now it is only getting harder with every episode. My resolve is set, I decided a long time a go that I was going to see this through, for the rest of my life. And I still stick to that.

But I am beginning to think I need a lot of help, like I may be developing some disorder through this relationship. But I dont know what it would be called so I have a hard time researching it. I am seeking professional help for me and our children, I can only hope that she will choose to do the same.

Sincerely caring and hold on to the love that strengthens, it might be the only happiness you will find with the one you love.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Tom. I am sorry for your journey. Perhaps you might like to read about [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-secondary-wounding.13875/"]Secondary Wounding[/DLMURL]?

 

[Tom Mintz]

Thank you Nicolette,

I did read that Secondary Wounding, I presume I was suppose to read it all, and I did, but was the target "burnout" because I kind feel that way.

 

[Nicolette]

My intent Tom was to make you aware of secondary PTSD. If you do a search up in the top right based on titles only you will find some more threads. Just sounds like you are suffering too and it is something helpful to be aware of.

 

[justwannabeme]

Wow, thank you.

I can't imagine anyone ever signing up for this, you guys are amazing to do the reseach and know what it is and still be there. My ex couldn't even cope with my allergies, he kept always telling me how stressful it was. And I was such high maintenance. Never mind even trying to explain PTSD, didn't know I had it then, but still never would have happened.

I remember too well that feeling of being alone in a relationship, and you're right, it is easier being single and being alone than being with someone. I would not wish me on anyone, my roller coaster ride gets pretty nasty, then the guilt sets in, the isolation, the anger and frustration and the damn it happened again beating myself up.... I am very happy to know that there are people out there that do care, and maybe someday I might find someone to even go out for a coffee with, well a decafe, no dairy place LOL Let alone a date or a relationship.

I would not or could not compair my pain with anyother. Pain is pain, it's all hurt, and shit. Everyone has a bottom, I hit mine hard. Who is it to say that someone's else's bottom is not as painful as another's. No way would I want that job.

I agree, your are an amazing capable person, and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that all you caregivers still stick around. Hope!!:p

Two posts of hope in 20 minutes, what an awesome place to have. :D

 

[Nicolette]

I've re-opened this thread :)