Wow, thank you for writing all this
@Nicolette :)
Am a supporter myself for my awesome girlfriend with ptsd due to her traumatic childhood.
In the beginning of our relationship she told me that she feels like she doesn't deserve to be loved, and I always told her what a wonderful person she is and that she defnitely IS WORTH being loved and that I don't care what she says/does when triggered or just irritated. So giving up is not an option for me, because I know what a great person she is, and that everything she may say or do is not she but her PTSD.
I appreciate her for being able to tell me honestly when she is sorry and also explain to me what went on in her head or what she felt while doing this or that, makes it a lot easier to not take things personally and to support her better.
My girlfriend is unfortunately not only suffering from PTSD but also from some health problems, Morbus Crohn and currently with extreme back pain. She is able to deal with the stomach issues which come from the Morbus Crohn, so she's usually in a good mood, emotional and all in all just the best person I've ever met, when she's in her "normal" health condition (Morbus Crohn), but since she has those extreme back pains which make it hard for her to even lay on one site for longer than half an hour, she's pretty irritable, distant and emotionally numb (understandable due to all the stress the pains cause).
I know that it has nothing to do with me, but damn sometimes it can be really hard to convince your emotions of that.
I feel a bit alone even if she's right next to me in bed, because her warmth (her emotional nature) seems to be burried so deep down below all this pain and stress. Then I feel bad for feeling this way, because she's suffering and I should be happy that she wants to be at my place, even if she usually prefers to be alone when not feeling well. It can take some time until my rational brain kicks in and I can convince myself that things will get like they used to when she's feeling better health wise.
Usually I try to hide my pain from her, because it would only cause her more pressure (and therefore stress) to know that I'm suffering from something she and I can't change. But damn, you just can't stop these worries in your head and the emotions that come with it. The only real solution that helps a bit is to hit the gym and follow my weight loss goal, because it makes me feel better about myself and therefore makes me more capable of supporting her.
I just feel like it's not fair that she has to go through all those health problems after suffering so much in her childhood. She just deserves to be happy and feel good, and helping her to achieve that, no matter how hard it can be at times, is the best feeling I ever experienced :)
