No matter what I do, it feels I can't please my mom or make her proud. I told her about the sexual abuse in 2011 from my father and nothing has been the same since.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and later she was too. Increasingly over the past two years our relationship has spiralled downward. We used to be so close and she always tells me that everything she has ever done is to give me a better life.
Now more than ever, fights have gotten worse and things are being said thats like a stab in the heart. Because of the abuse my trust with parental authority figures isn't that great. But my mom was always able to set down consequences in a logical matter. But now its a huge mess.
Our relationship is on frayed edges and it feels as if every conversation we have is negative. I try my hardest not to let my anger grab a hold of me and there has only been two occasions where I've lost it and my anger was like a tornado ripping through the house. I didn't hit anyone, I didn't break anything, I didn't threaten to hurt anyone or myself.
Regardless, the first time I saw red, I got upset and ran to my room and sat and cried in the closet so I could calm down. The anger I felt was towards my mother and I felt she wasn't supporting me, she wasn't meeting me halfway, and she refused to listen to my needs as coming to family counseling.
She called the crisis team on me and I was escorted out of the house due to their judgment that I would harm myself. I remember sitting in the ambulance being carted away from my home to the hospital to be put on lock down. I wasn't suicidal and when the EMT's came and talked to me, I was sitting in my closet singing songs that I liked to listen to when there's storms. I was taken away from my home, my family, and my dog.
I was held in the hospital under lock and key for two days. Then on the day after Thanksgiving they took me to a mental hospital south of Atlanta. I arrived at three a.m. the day after Thanksgiving and they stripped serched me, took y things away from me and threw me in a room with noone else. I was expected to get up three hours later at six. The bed was uncomfortable, I didn't have enough blankets and they cut all the strings from my clothes and my sweats wouldn't stay up. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I was thoroughly scared from my three days at the mental hospital and I've never really recovered from it. My mother and I never really talked about it and I felt my trust was completely severed. My mom had come to me many times and told me she was suicidal and I had never called 911 on her.
The most recent time I was once again upset with my mother. For the exact same reasons as before. We had never really talked about her 10:13-ing me and she saying to me "remember the last time you got angry?" By this time, I was done with her and told her so and I can't remember what else but I knew it was hurtful. All my pent up hurt from her came out because my love for her couldn't contain it anymore. There has been many times that she has said that I was acting like my father ( who sexually abused me for five years).
Later that night, my mom came up and told me that she was to be respected in the house and I was not to raise my voice or cuss at her. My mother had never been the dictator in the house so this took me aback. She then told me that if I ever acted out again that I would be kicked out of the house.
I told my mom about the abuse, she was kicked out of her house when she was my age, struggled with mental and physical illness like I am. I feel as if I was wrong to trust her and I understand that this might be some teenage thing but to me it's so much more. I am not a bad child. I went to college early, I didn't develop a drug addiction, I'm not having sex with any boy I see, and I have a 3.85 GPA at school and I'm currently trying to find a job.
I feel as if nothing I do is good enough for my mom. I can't vent to my sister because she turns around and tells my mom. I starting out with a new counselor soon. I've even stayed in my room and only do the chores she asks me to, to minimize conflict in the house. I feel I've been totally cut off from my family. And that now I am the new monster in the house everyone fears. It breaks my heart. I feel like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina hit. For the first few months everyone was supportive but now everyone expects me to be fine and get over it.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and later she was too. Increasingly over the past two years our relationship has spiralled downward. We used to be so close and she always tells me that everything she has ever done is to give me a better life.
Now more than ever, fights have gotten worse and things are being said thats like a stab in the heart. Because of the abuse my trust with parental authority figures isn't that great. But my mom was always able to set down consequences in a logical matter. But now its a huge mess.
Our relationship is on frayed edges and it feels as if every conversation we have is negative. I try my hardest not to let my anger grab a hold of me and there has only been two occasions where I've lost it and my anger was like a tornado ripping through the house. I didn't hit anyone, I didn't break anything, I didn't threaten to hurt anyone or myself.
Regardless, the first time I saw red, I got upset and ran to my room and sat and cried in the closet so I could calm down. The anger I felt was towards my mother and I felt she wasn't supporting me, she wasn't meeting me halfway, and she refused to listen to my needs as coming to family counseling.
She called the crisis team on me and I was escorted out of the house due to their judgment that I would harm myself. I remember sitting in the ambulance being carted away from my home to the hospital to be put on lock down. I wasn't suicidal and when the EMT's came and talked to me, I was sitting in my closet singing songs that I liked to listen to when there's storms. I was taken away from my home, my family, and my dog.
I was held in the hospital under lock and key for two days. Then on the day after Thanksgiving they took me to a mental hospital south of Atlanta. I arrived at three a.m. the day after Thanksgiving and they stripped serched me, took y things away from me and threw me in a room with noone else. I was expected to get up three hours later at six. The bed was uncomfortable, I didn't have enough blankets and they cut all the strings from my clothes and my sweats wouldn't stay up. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I was thoroughly scared from my three days at the mental hospital and I've never really recovered from it. My mother and I never really talked about it and I felt my trust was completely severed. My mom had come to me many times and told me she was suicidal and I had never called 911 on her.
The most recent time I was once again upset with my mother. For the exact same reasons as before. We had never really talked about her 10:13-ing me and she saying to me "remember the last time you got angry?" By this time, I was done with her and told her so and I can't remember what else but I knew it was hurtful. All my pent up hurt from her came out because my love for her couldn't contain it anymore. There has been many times that she has said that I was acting like my father ( who sexually abused me for five years).
Later that night, my mom came up and told me that she was to be respected in the house and I was not to raise my voice or cuss at her. My mother had never been the dictator in the house so this took me aback. She then told me that if I ever acted out again that I would be kicked out of the house.
I told my mom about the abuse, she was kicked out of her house when she was my age, struggled with mental and physical illness like I am. I feel as if I was wrong to trust her and I understand that this might be some teenage thing but to me it's so much more. I am not a bad child. I went to college early, I didn't develop a drug addiction, I'm not having sex with any boy I see, and I have a 3.85 GPA at school and I'm currently trying to find a job.
I feel as if nothing I do is good enough for my mom. I can't vent to my sister because she turns around and tells my mom. I starting out with a new counselor soon. I've even stayed in my room and only do the chores she asks me to, to minimize conflict in the house. I feel I've been totally cut off from my family. And that now I am the new monster in the house everyone fears. It breaks my heart. I feel like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina hit. For the first few months everyone was supportive but now everyone expects me to be fine and get over it.
