It Happened. Now What?

[HelenB]

I have just picked up this thread as we are about five hours ahead of you so I am really hoping you have been able to sleep and that you are able to find yourself in a safer place today.

I agree that remembering is not the only way to heal but believe that the only way to heal is to learn to look after yourself and learn to believe that this is not your fault. You have been abused and treated in such a terrible way. I do believe that disassociating is a way for you to deal with this situation but do not believe this is safe. I know for me when I go into that state because it feels safer and at the time was the only way to cope, it takes me to the place where I do not care at all about what has happened to my body or what does happen. At the time when I had no control that was the only way I could survive, but now as an adult it does not help. I have to keep myself safe and know I am now the only person who can do that and if I allow myself to go into that state there is no way I can. That does not mean it does not bring comfort, but I do know it does not bring safety because the things which happen and have happened do matter becuse you do matter and you do not in any way deserve this and have not brought it on for yourself.

I am really hoping you are able to come to a place of safety in yourself, where you can realise this is not your fault and come to a place where you can find the strength to really find ways to keep all of you safe and in the place you need to be.

I understand that you are saying it is so hard for you to be able to just leave and how the commitments with family for you are. I know for me that not seeing family at the moment is not as simple as it seems as confronting things is so much harder than putting myself in that place and if your family have been so unaccepting and not believed you in the past this must make it so hard. The most important thing within this is that you believe yourself and believe that this is not your fault. You have been abused and you deserve to be looked after, protected and cared for. When there is no-one else to do this I know it is so much more important that you can do this for yourself and believe that this is where true healing comes, when you can really allow yourself to be and feel and be all of who you are, without having to shut bits away and feel angry with and blame yourself. This does not mean remembering everything, but coming to a place of really coming to terms with the things it has made you feel about yourself so that you can learn the real value you do have and that you do really matter so much.

I am really hoping you are also able to feel safe enough with your therapist to be able to be as honest as you can with her. She will have all your best interests at heart and really is in a place to help you feel safe and she will listen and believe you and will know it is not your fault.

Today I am thinking of you so much and hoping you really can come to a place of safety in yourself. You are doing so well to be so honest and really work through this and things can change and will and I am hoping you can find some glimmer of hope in this situation and know you can find the strength to overcome this and come to the place of freedom which you deserve.

God bless
Helen

 

[shimmerz]

I am from Canada as well. From the sounds of the weather you may be in the Toronto area and I understand that you cannot move. That in itself has got to be pretty triggering for you. Do you have friends in the area that you can reach out to? That can help you feel more grounded?

Try to remember that your T is first and foremost looking at your best interests. I have had issues with hospitals and police as well so understand fully what you are worried about regarding going to them for help. I am sure if your T knows the story that she will respect your opinion not to call the police.

Try if you can to attach to the fact that once you realized you were in the situation you reacted to it in a great way. You reached out to those who would understand. Congratulations and please remember that that is such a self caring act. You are learning who you can trust and trying to reach out. That is self care and that is probably something that you didn't do so well before!

Whether you like it or not, you are putting yourself first by reaching out for help. That is a great step and I hope that you are giving yourself credit for it. You are taking care of yourself better than you think you are.

Now, grounding is a good plan and recognizing that you will be out of there shortly. Keep your eye on the prize of getting out. No shame. You managed the best that you could. I would advise that when you talk to your T you focus more on your loss of time than you do on what actually happened there. She needs to know about it. Then she can help you with that component. There is no shame in losing time. It is fixable.

Love and light,
Shimmerz

 

[macca]

I've only just read this thread - I feel for you so much right now. I know you have been blaming yourself, but - the reality is that he is depraved, and has abused you repeatedly. The kind of person who is capable of doing this also knows how to make sure that their victim feels responsible - it's their way of absolving themselves of guilt, so they can continue doing what they do. If he has no qualms doing what he has done, he has no qualms manipulating your thinking too.

From what others have suggested (and I can't think of anything else) it seems that one of two things may have occurred - either he somehow drugged you (again, I wouldn't put it past him) or you were in a dissociated state. Neither of which is your fault. At all. As for trusting his word on anything - his word is worthless. Never trust him, he only has his own interests at heart, though you probably know this already.

I hope you are safe now. And the putting others first thing - that's a big thing of mine too. I am only just realising the extent to which I do it. Not good - how can we continue to give to others when we are empty? We need to find a way to replenish somehow, otherwise we are just empty batteries. Shimmerz just made a great point though - you have begun to look after your own needs first by reaching out to us here. And we are here for you.

Your T will not judge you - she doesn't sound like she has judged you so far. I've found now that it's best to be open with my T. When I did it recently, I was able to have a very healing experience, as I was unhappy with something she had been doing, and I actually managed to voice it - and she just listened and took it on board, instead of rejecting me or dismissing me like I expected. It was amazing. What I'm saying there is - try her out, she might actually respond in the way that you need her to, rather than the way you fear.

Stay safe Mytai. Thinking of you very much right now.

 

[Abstract]

Maytai. I am so very sorry.

None of this is your fault and all of it is your uncles. The fact that you feel guilty for taking care of your needs and feel guilty is an exact consequence of the way you have been treated. It is a form of indoctrination and one that can be undone. Needs to be undone.

This may not be the best time to have this discussion but there are two things I want to point out. This has to stop and abusers can never be relied on and their word means less than nothing.

I am being a total hypocrite as I have never gone in and an examination after but I really want you to consider this. Especially since the police don't take you seriously.

Can you ask to be knocked out for the examination and go? I really encourage you to do so. It is the one way of arming yourself with a weapon that you can truly use against him to maintain your safety.

Most places don't require that the police are informed as far as I understand it and you normally would have free choice about taking it further or not. You can phone and ask the service you spoke to earlier if you need more clarity. Also ask if there is victims support as someone may be able to accompany you and take care of you.

There is absolutely nothing you could have done to make this your fault. I hope you find it in you to go to the ER so that you can have something to defend yourself with in the future. I also hope you can contact your t.

Stay safe. We are all pulling for you.

 

[mytai]

I had nightmares the entire night about trying to escape and being hurt. It was not restful at all.

You put the needs of your family above your own needs and your safety was sacrificed. Until you learn to put yourself first, your healing journey will be rocky and slow going. A big question is why you are putting everyone else's needs before yours?

I have always done this. It is what is expected of me in my family. If I want to not be shunned or looked down upon I need to do anything and everything that is of asked of me. My T talked to me about this and tried to explain why this isn't right. Why do I do it? I do it because it's the way I was raised, to put others needs before my own. I understand to others it seems so obvious to stop and put myself first. To me it is very backwards thinking to change that, also a dilemma. If I do, then I may lose any string of support I have left from them. Even though they don't support me in my healing journey because they don't know.

@HelenB I read your post, I can't think to respond to it. But thank you.

Do you have friends in the area that you can reach out to? That can help you feel more grounded?

Not in the Toronto area. It's not quite as bad as that here, I'm more west. I don't have friends in the area that know what is going on in my life. I tend to keep that to myself and don't dump it on them.

Your T will not judge you - she doesn't sound like she has judged you so far.

I know she won't judge me. That is not a fear I have with her thankfully. And you are right, she hasn't judged me so far.

None of this is your fault and all of it is your uncles.

I wish I could believe that, I really do, but I don't.

Can you ask to be knocked out for the examination and go?

I would go if that was an option. I don't want to feel someone touching me at all right now.

 

[Abstract]

I would go if that was an option. I don't want to feel someone touching me at all right now.

Could you phone and ask or contact the help centre again and see if they could help you? Could you ask about victims support? It seems to me you would need someone safe to take care of you and make sure your needs are being met. I am afraid I am in the UK so don't know the setup there.

You need to be very clear and say you have too much trauma and are too traumatised to do it awake. That it is either this way or no way. Maybe an email would help.

I really hope you find a way. I hate that you have had so many ongoing traumas in just the last short period of time. You need something to hold over him as he is a disgusting excuse for a human being..

Sending you strength and much support.

 

[mytai]

@Abstract I know there is victim services in the city I'm in now, but I'm leaving today to go back to my apartment. I'm sure there are similar services there.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear you had such a bad night and hope that being able to leave today will bring you the release and safety which you need. Above all I hope that what you take from these posts is that what happened was not your fault and hope you are able to treat yourself and look after yourself as you deserve. You have done so well to have faced all this and I am sorry for you that you have been abused yet again.

You do not have to think of anything to reply to my posts btw. I only want you to know that with others on here I am for you and hope you find the freedom and release which you so much deserve and I would only ever want you to write a response specifically to something I said if I had ever said anything which you found a problem with, as that would never be my intention.

I hope you get home safely and that you can have a better night tonight knowing you are now safe and that all that happened is not your fault.

God bless
Helen

 

[Abstract]

I really hope you contact them and find a way to get some physical evidence before it is too late. I am sure it feels impossible presently but I am thinking about your long term safety here. This man is a terrible predictor and you deserve safety.

I think you need to weight up the awfulness of an examination with the benefits of avoiding another attack in the future. I wish I could magic it ad him all away but I am afraid that isn't going to happen. Can you bag the clothing you were wearing?

What would be the first baby step to getting the help you need with this? Could you contact victims support near your apartment now, before you leave?

 

[EverOnly358]

I don't have time to read all the responses right now, but I love how many messages there are! What an outpouring of support! I love this website.

@littlelostchild No I'm not feeling grounded. I don't want to be grounded. I want to be numb. I want to forget.

Then do that. Forget for a while and then think about things and make big decisions later. Wanna know how? You may not like the answer, but the answer is... Try to ground yourself. The way I do it... I walk outside (so hard to make that choice, to open the door, but then things are easier) and I walk over to the pond and I stand in the grass. I close my eyes and I talk to Gaia, Mother Earth (sounds silly, right?). And she answers, in her own way. The conversation pulls you down into her world, under the ground. You let her surround you with leaves and flowers and new growth. And y'know what? You don't even actually have to go outside. Just reach out, and her leaves and vines and flowers will come to you.

Be at peace,
EverOnly

 

[ButterflyBean]

@mytai - I had a feeling last night, and I should have checked on you! I'll be out until later this evening, so I can't PC you my initial thoughts right now, but if you send me one, I'll do my best to be there in your T's absence! I'm so sorry this happened again, but know you are not alone and can make it through!

~Holly

 

[Ghostybear73]

Good to see you posting today. I hope you are home and safe!!!