"It is always my fault"

[KellyBailey]

Hi,

I'm writing to someone here because I have no one to turn to and this is eating me from inside out and there is no one that will have a minute to sit down and listen with an open heart without judgement.

I am a person of very few friends. No more than the amount of fingers I have in one hand. I always tell my psychologist that I am currently living in a conundrum because I carefully select my friends but I am always terrified that I will let them down because...
-I will be absent at times if I crash down on my own feelings
-(being as polite as I can) I will always favour the fairness of the situation
-I might say the wrong thing and,
-I am too involved in peoples's feelings which sometimes (if not all the time) create conflict when I try to give my fair point of view.

They all represent different precious gems for me whom I respect and understand in challenging or difficult times. I will always get out of my way to listen, put myself in their shoes and give them the best advice within my reach. But sometimes, tables turn. I am crashing very often and I isolate from everyone. I am, in this case, the one needing a helping hand. But because of extreme trauma I have taken upon my shoulders for a very long time, when I get triggered, it is a game of trust. My brain turns against everyone and the only feeling running through my spine is to flee. "Danger is everywhere and people are going to hurt you, again!" I always think. Even if it's not real.

I was sexually abused for several years throughout my whole childhood and teenage years. This left a sense of insecurity not only in myself but towards others. "There is no one you should trust!", my brain is always telling me. I am in a constant state of arousal even if I am having a picnic in a park under a tree on a beautiful sunny day. Memories are always flooding my nerves.
However, in despite of all this I suffered, I feel people (most of the time) are too busy to have some kind of empathy and compassion. I stopped looking for it though. So, again, I find myself hiding what I feel and pretend the show runs normal. But in the background, my mind is going at 1 million miles an hour.
And, when I crash bad and flee, these people that I can count with one hand, for some reason, it feels as if I'm a bother. "oh, there he is again, sad, down, quiet, withdrawing...", I can almost feel as if they roll their eyes. And I am always told with the same words every time "I know it's difficult but everyone's got issues and traumas and it's in you to see the positive out of it and find the silver lighting. You have to try your best".

So I keep pondering, is it really fair to keep giving and never getting anything back when I am most in need? Is it ok to feel like a bother at your most vulnerable? Am I overreacting as I always think I am? Are my feelings, again, being hi-jacked by my traumatised brain?

I am currently in a one way street where one of these important persons in my life aren't having the greatest of times due to their own personal reasons (depression, anxiety and health). And after encouraging and helping them and listening for a long time, I am being attacked by very trivial things when they perfectly know in the spot I currently am. So I wonder again, until when it is enough for me to stretch the band until it snaps?
I am currently being triggered by them and making me feel like everything is my fault, I am the problem, and my actions are hurting them instead of me being more reasonable... which in turn, it triggers me back to the sexual abuse I experienced and I'm left carrying with dreadful feelings of despair, you are not worthy, you're a bad person, it is your fault, you don't deserve love, you are a or the problem, and many more.

As I've mentioned earlier, I love the people I chose to be in my bubble, but at this stage in my life when I am concentrating in trying to heal this very painful memories, the least I need is someone dragging me back to misery while reminding me everything I felt and believed for so many years... that turn out to be a product of trauma and not my mind.
But, I don't know how to deal with the situation as my inner child is always screaming it is always his fault.

:(

 

[Katherine3917]

I hear you..

 

[PowderedHeart]

So it sounds like you have the same type and f PTSD symptoms my wife is having and that the one you are struggling with most is fear of rejection or of letting the people you care about down. This manifests as choice paralysis because you are so scared of letting them down that you imagine that you end up holding still and silent in order to avoid offending. My wife does this and from my perspective the holding still and withdrawing is the worst and before we got some help it came across as uncaring and distancing in an attempt to withdraw from the relationship. I now see that she was overloaded with options and needed to know whatever she choose was fine I just wanted her input.

From what you’ve written here it looks like these thoughts of your friends are your interpretations of their reactions, this is a good thing because your friends are likely giving you the benefit of the doubt or a margin for error, basically they think you like them and you would do more if you could but circumstances (like the ones they see effecting their lives) prevent you from doing more. Your friends are not likely unhappy with you, (I always thought my wife’s negative reactions were due to something I did not her) they may want to see more of you and hear more of your interests and opinions.

What my wife and I worked out is she would try voicing her opinion on one new thing once a week and I would listen to what she said. Another exercise that helped is she would approach her crying inner child inside her mind with the love and care she always wanted so she’d get to see she’s capable of compassion, something she thought she was incapable of.

 

[Friday]

I am currently being triggered by them

This piece, right here, is where in my own life the ENTIRE situation pivots… and I have learned to waaaaaait until I am no longer triggered… or the decisions I make, and the actions I take, are going to be seriously f*cked up, flat out wrong, unfair, and regrettable.

If I am triggered? By definition I’m both overreacting (or underreacting) AND/AS I’m responding to the present (and people in it) as if it’s the past. I’m not seeing the people in my life for who they are, and thinking/feeling/treating them as they deserve to be treated… but treating them how the people in my past deserve(d) to be treated.

^^^ That doesn’t mean that the people in my present are angels, they could be worse than the people in my past. Nor does it mean that the situation I'm currently in is any less lethal. It means I’m not judging people on the contents of their own character, their actions, our history, none of it… they’re just a dehumanized meat-puppet.

So, I’ve learned to wait until I’m no longer triggered; and can see clearly, assess accurately, and judge fairly.

I am currently being triggered by them and making me feel like everything is my fault, I am the problem, and my actions are hurting them instead of me being more reasonable... which in turn, it triggers me back to the sexual abuse I experienced and I'm left carrying with dreadful feelings of despair, you are not worthy, you're a bad person, it is your fault, you don't deserve love, you are a or the problem, and many more.

2 of the best tacks I know to take with this :

1. Cognitive Distortions & Core Beliefs
- Primary Cognitive Distortions (Negative Thinking Styles)
- Solving The Problem : Reframing Negative Thoughts

2. Triggers & Stressors
- How To Use Triggers As A Means To Recovery
- Working With Triggers

 

[arfie]

empathy, bailey. the mysteries of friendship elude me, as well. at 70, i have decided to just let the mystery be and settle for being friendly. i still don't have any friends that fit my lists of ideals, but just being friendly breaks my isolation and often allows for top shelf conversation and even the occasional helping hand.

But, I don't know how to deal with the situation as my inner child is always screaming it is always his fault.

this is a whole different subject. when my inner child starts feeling guilty, i can't tell a friend from a foe. when mini me meets adult me, the blame game begins. it's gotta be SOMEBODY's fault! ! ! it's a hideous cycle that can drive me crazier than i already am. my current approach is to remind myself often that the blame game causes far more problems than it solves.

we is what we is and we ain't what we ain't SNAFUs happen

 

[deno]

Hi,

I'm writing to someone here because I have no one to turn to and this is eating me from inside out and there is no one that will have a minute to sit down and listen with an open heart without judgement.

I am a person of very few friends. No more than the amount of fingers I have in one hand. I always tell my psychologist that I am currently living in a conundrum because I carefully select my friends but I am always terrified that I will let them down because...
-I will be absent at times if I crash down on my own feelings
-(being as polite as I can) I will always favour the fairness of the situation
-I might say the wrong thing and,
-I am too involved in peoples's feelings which sometimes (if not all the time) create conflict when I try to give my fair point of view.

They all represent different precious gems for me whom I respect and understand in challenging or difficult times. I will always get out of my way to listen, put myself in their shoes and give them the best advice within my reach. But sometimes, tables turn. I am crashing very often and I isolate from everyone. I am, in this case, the one needing a helping hand. But because of extreme trauma I have taken upon my shoulders for a very long time, when I get triggered, it is a game of trust. My brain turns against everyone and the only feeling running through my spine is to flee. "Danger is everywhere and people are going to hurt you, again!" I always think. Even if it's not real.

I was sexually abused for several years throughout my whole childhood and teenage years. This left a sense of insecurity not only in myself but towards others. "There is no one you should trust!", my brain is always telling me. I am in a constant state of arousal even if I am having a picnic in a park under a tree on a beautiful sunny day. Memories are always flooding my nerves.
However, in despite of all this I suffered, I feel people (most of the time) are too busy to have some kind of empathy and compassion. I stopped looking for it though. So, again, I find myself hiding what I feel and pretend the show runs normal. But in the background, my mind is going at 1 million miles an hour.
And, when I crash bad and flee, these people that I can count with one hand, for some reason, it feels as if I'm a bother. "oh, there he is again, sad, down, quiet, withdrawing...", I can almost feel as if they roll their eyes. And I am always told with the same words every time "I know it's difficult but everyone's got issues and traumas and it's in you to see the positive out of it and find the silver lighting. You have to try your best".

So I keep pondering, is it really fair to keep giving and never getting anything back when I am most in need? Is it ok to feel like a bother at your most vulnerable? Am I overreacting as I always think I am? Are my feelings, again, being hi-jacked by my traumatised brain?

I am currently in a one way street where one of these important persons in my life aren't having the greatest of times due to their own personal reasons (depression, anxiety and health). And after encouraging and helping them and listening for a long time, I am being attacked by very trivial things when they perfectly know in the spot I currently am. So I wonder again, until when it is enough for me to stretch the band until it snaps?
I am currently being triggered by them and making me feel like everything is my fault, I am the problem, and my actions are hurting them instead of me being more reasonable... which in turn, it triggers me back to the sexual abuse I experienced and I'm left carrying with dreadful feelings of despair, you are not worthy, you're a bad person, it is your fault, you don't deserve love, you are a or the problem, and many more.

As I've mentioned earlier, I love the people I chose to be in my bubble, but at this stage in my life when I am concentrating in trying to heal this very painful memories, the least I need is someone dragging me back to misery while reminding me everything I felt and believed for so many years... that turn out to be a product of trauma and not my mind.
But, I don't know how to deal with the situation as my inner child is always screaming it is always his fault.

:(

I hear you. You’ve been through so much, and the weight of carrying trauma while trying to maintain friendships is exhausting. It makes sense that you feel isolated, misunderstood, and even like a burden at times. But I want to challenge one thing: I don’t think you are the problem here. I think the expectations you have around your friendships—and the way you interpret their reactions—might be adding to your pain.

You clearly care deeply about others, but it sounds like you’re expecting them to understand something they may never fully grasp. Trauma shapes how we see the world, and when you’re in survival mode, your brain is going to interpret distance as rejection, even when that might not be the case. Have you ever asked your friends what they hear when you open up? What they feel? Instead of assuming they’re rolling their eyes or pulling away, it might be worth having an open conversation to see if they’re overwhelmed, lost, or just unsure how to help.

And I know this is hard to hear, but you might be sabotaging your ability to heal by expecting those closest to you to provide something they simply can’t. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t have the tools. If you wait for them to fully understand before you allow yourself to heal, you’ll be waiting forever. Healing comes from within, from finding the right support—not necessarily from the people you already know.

You deserve support. You deserve to be heard. But you also deserve to break free from the loop of feeling abandoned when others don’t respond the way you wish they would. Maybe it’s time to stop asking, "Why don’t they understand?" and start asking, "Who actually has the ability to understand?" That shift might make all the difference.

Hang in there. You're not alone.