It is ok if it happens

[Scott88]

I’ve been struggling for a long time now, well I’ve not been normal my whole life. I’m diagnosed with PTSD bpd depression did and has psychotic periods.

My suicidle thoughts are very strong at the minute but it’s ok. The feelings I have towards suicide is if I do it it’s ok, it is my decision if I do it and that is ok, it’s very hard to explain what I mean, it’s like I have a relief been taken away that if it happens it is ok, it’s not a bad thing it’s just ok. ? Has anybody else had this mind set? It doesn’t seem scary anymore the thoughts are not scarring me it’s kind of it is what it is?

 

[bellbird]

My suicidle thoughts are very strong at the minute but it’s ok. The feelings I have towards suicide is if I do it it’s ok, it is my decision if I do it and that is ok, it’s very hard to explain what I mean, it’s like I have a relief been taken away that if it happens it is ok, it’s not a bad thing it’s just ok. ?

No, it isn't ok.

This is your depression/suicidality talking.

It's trying to convince you of this, because life has been too hard for too long.
But as someone who has been at that point, and now recovered from a suicide attempt, please listen to me when I tell you that it really isn't ok.

It doesn’t seem scary anymore

Yeah, this is why I am very concerned for you.
Because I remember being in this place myself.
The relief that came when I finally decided that this was the end.

But you know what?
This week was my 10 month anniversary of my failed suicide attempt.

And I can tell you honestly, that the relief I feel that my attempt failed, is 100 times greater than that relief I felt 10 months ago on what I thought was my last day alive.

@Scott88 , I urge you to contact a suicide crisis line.
Your safety is of the utmost importance here. Your suicidality is telling you that it isn't, but it is not telling you the truth.

I am so glad that you reached out here for support; it gives me hope that there is a part of you that wants to live, even though it won't feel like that right now.
But unlike a crisis line, we can't provide the acute support needed in crisis situations.

Keep reaching out here, but call the crisis line too and tell them how you are feeling. Please.

It gets better.
I never ever thought that it would, but it does. I promise.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Scott88, what would you say to your daughter if she said those things to you?

 

[Deleted member 48076]

I’ve been struggling for a long time now, well I’ve not been normal my whole life. I’m diagnosed with PTSD bpd depression did and has psychotic periods.

My suicidle thoughts are very strong at the minute but it’s ok. The feelings I have towards suicide is if I do it it’s ok, it is my decision if I do it and that is ok, it’s very hard to explain what I mean, it’s like I have a relief been taken away that if it happens it is ok, it’s not a bad thing it’s just ok. ? Has anybody else had this mind set? It doesn’t seem scary anymore the thoughts are not scarring me it’s kind of it is what it is?

I have never related more to anything.
This was me in a nutshell just a few days ago. The moment is not fully gone yet BUT the intensity of it has eased off a little (thankfully!). Honestly, I really didn’t think I would get through that moment, not another one. I couldn’t, not again, I wasn’t afraid anymore. It was MY decision and it really shouldn’t affect anyone or have anything to do with anyone else for that matter. But I’m still standing, only a few days later but I am here. Not happy, not new close, still in autopilot but still here.

Scott, I really do hope that this feeling passes for you too!

 

[Ronin]

No, it isn't ok.

This is your depression/suicidality talking.

Whole of the post, 100 times.

& Even if you feel it is okay?
Does not mean you have to do it.
Much less that you won’t feel completely different about things in a year or two.
Or maybe four, if a year is barely enough to figure something changed, and two to bounce.

 

[Starfire]

Feel the same way. Never brought it up in therapy as it seemed obvious was death was suppose to be feared. Everyone seemed to get upset, call police, on & on. Couldn't understand but learned to shut up about it.

 

[Justmehere]

It is not ok if it happens. At all. For many reasons.

I’ve felt apathetic or even positive about my own death or suicide... even when I knew I wasn’t going to do it. I’ve even been disappointed when my doc said I would live a long time. I’ve been through a trauma where I should have died and I was disappointed to live.

The voice of depression and despair can be loud, even as it lies to us.

Don’t listen to the lies as truth.