Ok!! I know this is supposed to be a happy time of year and most people don't want to hear tales of misery and suffering, but I am sorry because I hate life and it hates me right back!! Spent Christmas with the family and. now I am back home, the overpowering emotions I had to supress are all welling up inside me!! It is so overwhelming I don't know what to do with myself!! I am frightened to be alone with my memories and feelings! When I was there, 'he' watched me in bed, but I knew it was pointless to raise the issue with my parents because they would never have believed me!! They have never thought he was capable of anything, but I promise you with every beat of my heart..... he is!!! And he is still very powerful!! I think that maybe it is my fault?? It all so unbearable!! I am so sorry!!
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It Never Stops!!
- Post starter Tiger
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Deleted member 1860
Tiger, its NOT your fault! Please don't apologize. Many of us have been dealing with a lot of stuff over the holidays, so you're not alone in this regard. Do you see your abuser often or was it just a one time thing because of the holidays?
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- #3
He is my oldest brother and he lives with my parents!!
I have been forced into seeing him alot because my parents are not in the best of health and I am expected to take care of them! I don't live with them, in fact I live 26miles away through my own choice!! The thing is he still holds a lot of power!! When I was there at Christmas , he watched me when I was in bed every night , but I know that there is no point telling my parents because they don't believe he could do anything wrong!! I am so twisted up about this! So many conflicting thoughts and feelings and so angry that they weren't there for me when I needed them all those years ago when I was put in to care by them!! I have always felt the need to make up for the devastation I left behind when I confided in someone and my whole world exploded!! I just don't know what to do to make anything better!! This life really hates me!! I would die tomorrow if it was up to me!! That would get me out.of this disgusting body and memories and show them exactly what all of this has done!!
I have been forced into seeing him alot because my parents are not in the best of health and I am expected to take care of them! I don't live with them, in fact I live 26miles away through my own choice!! The thing is he still holds a lot of power!! When I was there at Christmas , he watched me when I was in bed every night , but I know that there is no point telling my parents because they don't believe he could do anything wrong!! I am so twisted up about this! So many conflicting thoughts and feelings and so angry that they weren't there for me when I needed them all those years ago when I was put in to care by them!! I have always felt the need to make up for the devastation I left behind when I confided in someone and my whole world exploded!! I just don't know what to do to make anything better!! This life really hates me!! I would die tomorrow if it was up to me!! That would get me out.of this disgusting body and memories and show them exactly what all of this has done!!
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- #5
Fishes are great thanks lol!! As a result of spending just under a week at my parents I have self harmed, but unfortunately it made me feel better and also makes me want to do more!! It made me feel control!! I am aware it's not a positive way of coping and it is dangerous, but somehow it relieved my emotional agony!! I don't actually understand why the pain I cause myself makes the urges to do more so much harder to fight off!! If anyone knows, please let me know? I know some people will feel that I should simply stop going to mum and dads so that I don't get even more screwed up, but it's just not that simple!!
Kintsugi
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Hi, Tiger.
This is perhaps the most I have ever empathized with a post. You sound like me. My older brother is my abuser, and he lived with my parents up until about a year and a half ago. I live 800 miles away from them... by my own choice for sure.
My brother is gay. When I disclosed my abuse at fourteen years old, he was 20, and no, my parents did not want to believe me. I snapped at sixteen, dissociated, wrote down several episodes of my abuse in horrific detail, and stuck it under their door. Then they were listening. I told them that I was moving out when I was seventeen (about 4-5 months from when I issued this ultimatum) or he was moving out. He was out in about a month and a half.
When I left for college, he moved right back in. I don't know how many times I had to tell them, but I did, that if he was there, I would not be. I thought maybe I could tolerate it at first, spent my first summer in college home, and it just destroyed me. It damaged me so badly that I am still living with the recklessness and self-harm I exhibited that summer. So I laid down the law. I'll come, but he has to be gone.
I know I'm simplifying things, and I don't mean to, but I think it's important that if you will not disclose your abuse, you at least tell them that you aren't coming if he is going to be present. It's not that much to ask. If you're 35 and he's your oldest brother, I imagine he is an adult perfectly capable of fending for himself now and again. They don't need to know more than that you will not come if he'll be there. A therapist could guide you through your decision to disclose or not disclose your abuse; that's for you to work out. But I strongly recommend that something's gotta give in this situation. I am concerned about what these experiences will do to you, now or down the road.
Please know that you're in my thoughts. It's difficult to respond to you because this situation reminds me so much of my own, and I feel all the emotions that drags up. I empathize. I really do. I feel for you.
Big hugs if you accept them. (((Tiger))) Please put yourself first and remember that your truth is the only one that matters in the end.
Edit for a postscript: I totally understand you when you say that he is still powerful. I'd like to suggest how to break down the power he has over you, and I will if I ever figure it out myself.
This is perhaps the most I have ever empathized with a post. You sound like me. My older brother is my abuser, and he lived with my parents up until about a year and a half ago. I live 800 miles away from them... by my own choice for sure.
My brother is gay. When I disclosed my abuse at fourteen years old, he was 20, and no, my parents did not want to believe me. I snapped at sixteen, dissociated, wrote down several episodes of my abuse in horrific detail, and stuck it under their door. Then they were listening. I told them that I was moving out when I was seventeen (about 4-5 months from when I issued this ultimatum) or he was moving out. He was out in about a month and a half.
When I left for college, he moved right back in. I don't know how many times I had to tell them, but I did, that if he was there, I would not be. I thought maybe I could tolerate it at first, spent my first summer in college home, and it just destroyed me. It damaged me so badly that I am still living with the recklessness and self-harm I exhibited that summer. So I laid down the law. I'll come, but he has to be gone.
I know I'm simplifying things, and I don't mean to, but I think it's important that if you will not disclose your abuse, you at least tell them that you aren't coming if he is going to be present. It's not that much to ask. If you're 35 and he's your oldest brother, I imagine he is an adult perfectly capable of fending for himself now and again. They don't need to know more than that you will not come if he'll be there. A therapist could guide you through your decision to disclose or not disclose your abuse; that's for you to work out. But I strongly recommend that something's gotta give in this situation. I am concerned about what these experiences will do to you, now or down the road.
Please know that you're in my thoughts. It's difficult to respond to you because this situation reminds me so much of my own, and I feel all the emotions that drags up. I empathize. I really do. I feel for you.
Big hugs if you accept them. (((Tiger))) Please put yourself first and remember that your truth is the only one that matters in the end.
Edit for a postscript: I totally understand you when you say that he is still powerful. I'd like to suggest how to break down the power he has over you, and I will if I ever figure it out myself.
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