Childhood It Went On My Whole Childhood

[John-E]

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be posting this. I figure this site is a place where people can find other people like them, and hopefully where help and/or advice can be found. It took me a long time to admit I have major mental issues from years of physical abuse as a child at the hands of a man I would only learn later wasn't really my father, seemingly spawned because of a nervous breakdown I took really hard a few years ago. Since seeking medical help (not necessarily attention), I've been diagnosed PTSD, with a healthy list of unhealthy symptoms including high anxiety, social anxiety disorder, manic depression, some memory issues, insomnia, flashbacks, sometimes paranoia, and when I do sleep, nightmares. As a child I was fun and funny, now I'm generally a very withdrawn and quiet person, gentle by nature, intelligent and intellectual, but once pushed, I've watched as if outside myself, a whole other side of me that's completely opposite. I've been (though not always), very defensive, either quick to it or mostly slowly driven to it, and sometimes violently. I've now spent time in jails and mental hospitals over related situations, once for slashing my wrist open to end one such out of control argument. I'm medicated but none of that seems to help my thought processes. An affordable therapist that don't focus on simple forgiveness is proving impossible to find, and I haven't been of the right mind to hold a job for a number of years. My siblings, all of whom are grown now, knew our father was more "rough" with me, but to them I went from hard working and never on my feet, to lazy and exaggerating how different my "treatment" was. My friends who knew how things were went from respecting my turnout to turning their backs on me entirely. I now live with my mother and a second step father because I'm afraid to be alone, and because I just really don't have anyone else, and because I've never really been on my feet. Again, I don't exactly know what posting this stuff will do for me, but what I've been trying to do doesn't bring help or relief or anything positive for that matter. I know it was many years ago (I'm now 33), and after the age of 17, when I moved out to save my life, the abuse stopped, but I never got better. Only worse. What can I really do now?

 

[BlueOrange]

Yes, there are plenty of people here with a 'healthy list of health problems' (I thought that was a witty way of saying it :) ). Many who also have a healthy list of ways to get healthier, too :)

When you say, 'simple forgiveness', you're talking about people who say "You have to forgive in order to heal" but who seem to be in denial about anger and pain? Who just repeat that line as if it will eventually work? I try not to hate those people for being useless, but it's difficult sometimes.

 

[John-E]

Thank you for understanding that. There's nothing simple about what I have to forgive him for. I'm not even particularly blaming him anymore, I'm an adult and I know it's me who's got the job to do, but forgiving him is just not gonna happen. He's not even the same man he was 16 years ago. I haven't spoken to him in that duration, but he has discovered what he caused, the PTSD, in shortening the story. That's good enough for me.

 

[BlueOrange]

I hear you. Just because it's over, doesn't mean the consequences are finished. And yeah, PTSD has a lot of ways to make us feel lonely. Thank you for helping me feel a bit less lonely, regarding all the well-intentioned, useless (or even dangerous) advice I've had to sort through.

Right now, I'm working on forgiving the younger me, who didn't have the (relatively) mature coping mechanisms that I have today. It's hard when you have such good reasons to be unforgiving in general.

 

[Momofthree]

I once had a friend tell me to think of my past as the dark ages. When I wanted to study the memories and work though them I could but if I ever didn't want to all I had to do was say "That was the dark ages." It has help me out so much that I am thinking of having it tattooed on my inner wrist. when ever I have a flashback or a trigger happen I can choose to deal with it (if I am in a safe place to do so) or I can tell myself "That was the dark ages" and then go about my day. It has become a great grounding tool for me. I have learned that I will never forget compliantly, but I can choose when to remember. I hope this helps.

 

[John-E]

That is excellent advice, and I do my best to look forward to less dark times. It's up and down. Before I know it I'm back in the dark.

 

[Momofthree]

It is up and down. I was in an abusive relationship with a psychopath for 7 years. I left when he was arrested one night after beating the shit out of me (wasn't the first time he did, but it was the first time he got caught). After moving back in with my mother and going though therapy for a few months I was getting worse, I then had a break through when I realized that the reason I wasn't getting better was because I was still being abused. I thought my childhood was normal, growing up in a small backwoods town I didn't realize that what I had been raised in was physical, psychological, and emotional abuse. So I had jumped out of the frying pan only to land in the fire. I have since moved out on my own and learned to set up boundaries between my mother and I but it has been a long hard road. I have good days and bad days but over the past two years of intense therapy and learning coping techniques the good days are now more frequent. PTSD is a life long issue but there are great coping techniques to help you live a normal life.

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome :)

I couldn't cope with a T going the "forgiveness" path either.

Finding the right T is a painful and difficult process. What helped me was to write a really up front email stating what I wanted (eg validation) and what I didn't want (eg minimization) from therapy. This allowed me to send it to multiple prospective T's and I figured if they didn't like my email they would not suit me.

 

[katz]

I don't know if this will help, so if you can't use it ....
I have kept a journal. Then when I remember/recall something, I can write it down and not be worried if I ever remember it again. I don't usually have to go back and look it up again, unless I start to doubt myself again. My family also didn't believe me, and convinced me and anyone else in the family that I was just "not right".

I also have gone to a lake or pond and just thrown rocks into the water. I throw them as hard and as far as I can. I can cry and allow myself to feel the anger, to get it out of me. I have gone there and gotten angry at God too. (I have a letter that I wrote to Him asking him to protect me from "daddy" )

The other picture that has helped me is to picture my past and the mess I have, as papers all over the floor. I pick them up one by one and read them, then feel or cry if I need to. Then I "file" it in the file drawer cabinet in the corner. I know that I can not get rid of them forever, since they are in my past that I can't change. However, by getting the memory and stress out of me, I feel much lighter. Then when I'm ready, I can pick up another paper. Some day I will find the floor. I'm sure. I even have one drawer in my "file cabinet" for each "demon" who hurt me, then I can put it in the correct drawer. I'm one who likes to file and keep things organized. When a memory comes back again, I can just acknowledge it and go on. I don't have to break down and get upset, I know that I have already gotten that out of me. (And yes. I know that sometimes I do need to pull some back out, but that just means that I need to "feel" them again. But's that's ok too.)

If you use your imagination, I'm sure that you can visualize a picture for yourself of how to deal with each terrible thought. Give yourself patience and understanding. You have been thru a lot and deserve to be cared for and loved.