It's All About My Mom

[ShodokanJenn]

Did a lot of digging in therapy today. And what came up is this: the reason I stayed silent was because I was threatened. My grandfather always told me that if ANYONE found out about what was happening, I'd never see my mom again. I had to choose between two things that are impossible to deal with for small children - either be abused or losing my mom. And I was always having to choose between horrible things. Like should I give in and just passively let him rape me or should I fight and be beaten for my resistance. Both felt horribly wrong. But it was a choice I made every day. My therapist said that when I talk about the choices I had to make, he feels really sad. It helps to hear how a healthy person responds to what happened.

There was something profound at the end of my appointment that I was supposed to think and journal about this week, but I can't remember what. I was too dissociated. It was a tough appointment.

Anyway, my point: My mom is the one who knew what her parents were like, she is the one who dumped me off with them despite what she knew, and she is the one who neglected and abandoned me and lied to me, and it was because I was so afraid of losing her defective self that I stayed silent all those years. She will never know what I sacrificed for just a CHANCE to be with her. I've cut off all contact with her, which at first was really hard. But I'm finding the lack of drama and lies is actually kind of nice.

 

[Sideways]

Finally plucked up the courage to read this post. I'm blessed with 2 parsnts that love me to bits and & it's not just that I can't conceptualise what it must be like to be betrayed by a parent, I have trouble even reading about it. It's one thing to be betrayed by someone close, but by a parent, when you're just a child?

I can't relate to how to painful that must be, but I can recognise that it must be overwhelming. You've been let down in the worst possible way, but thank you for sharing this. Just telling people it happened shows that you still have faith that at least some of us flawed humans want to support you and share your recovery journey:)

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Finally plucked up the courage to read this post. I'm blessed with 2 parsnts that love me to bit...

Thank you for reading and for answering. Being betrayed that way as a child was a big blow. It leaves a big empty hole that cannot be filled. I lived through everything I did, in order to just see her for a day every few months. I clung to our phone conversations and her little gestures of remorse, and chose over and over to believe her lies. And now? I haven't talked to her in over two years. I miss her, but I don't miss the drama and the constant downplay of what I went through. "Oh, it's not that bad. I went through it too. So did big D, little D, and little M." Right... and you, mother, are a convicted felon now. Big D is making meth in his basement and is going to either blow himself up or wind up in prison. If I knew where he lived, I'd call the police myself. People in jail get psychiatric care, and that's what he really needs. Little D smokes the meth and sells it. Little M ran off to a different city, where he changed his gender identity, his sexual preferences, and changed his name. Sounds like nothing happened right? No, of course it doesn't. We're all messed up, all from the same people.

 

[Sideways]

"Big blow" must be a bit of an understatement. For what it's worth, I truly admire you for even just deciding to heal. At least there's one person that will be stopping that cycle of broken generations. My best wishes are with you - I'm not family, and it's not the same, but I have heard you:)

 

[ShodokanJenn]

"Big blow" must be a bit of an understatement. For what it's worth, I truly admire you for even...

Thanks Ragdoll. I am working at accepting compliments. I don't feel like I should be admired. But it's not up to me, it's up to others.

And yes, "Big Blow" is a massive understatement.