It's Back Again

[angel tears]

Feeling very sensitive today as I am meeting a new therapist later to discuss the trauma that I have been through. It's been a real roller coaster recently of emotions mixed with nightmares and feeling paranoid. Been arguing with my partner hasn't helped, he says that I am being so cutting at the moment with my tongue. Truth is I feel frightened to death of opening it up again. I haven't done any therapy for 18 months now. Most of my adult life has been spent in therapy trying to heal and find out who I am.

My abusive ex husband came along and he was my world... But I clung to him out of being lonely and very depressed. I was drinking heavily and I had money to burn. He saw that I was vulnerable and he used it against me for the next 4 years. I was beaten, raped, lied to, manipulated, cheated on and mentally and sexually abused by him. He broke me right down until I couldn't break anymore. I was broken and very poorly. I tried to kill myself several times. I didn't know how else to escape. It felt like an invisible force pulling me back to him. I tried to leave many times before I got away for good. He was cheating in me with 4 women and he got one pregnant while I had just had our daughter!!!. I was utterly disgraced and I left him but he still beat me up again when he followed me home. I ended up in hospital, he could of killed me like he tried to before. I sent him to prison and I lost my daughter to adoption.

So now I need to sort myself out but I am frightened. It made me so poorly before and I don't want to go back to those feelings but I guess I need to for a while. I feel so haunted by it alll

 

[angel tears]

Wow we covered quite a bit of background in that first session. We discussed my story, we looked at the emdr and had a chat about looking at my safe place that I can go to during the emdr. I am glad that I went but I have got a headache and feel a bit sick!!. I can tell by my body that I have done a lot today but I can't feel it emotionally yet just I feel knackered!!!. We are meeting again next week and the week after. My T feels that I am in the right place to try the emdr but he is also aware of just how much I have been through. He identified with serious neglect in childhood and how my mum tried to make me responsible for giving the love in our relationship. He also noted that I was not allowed to be a child and we talked about me not knowing how to play with my son. He has suggested that I be kind to myself tonight, something that I need to practice as I can be so hard on myself. It is all so sad and very draining :(