CharlotteB
New Here
I haven't talked to my vet since our argument, two weeks ago today (https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-do-you-control-your-own-emotions.54346/)
That argument stemmed from his belief that I will cheat on him while he is in Saudi Arabia for a year. I mean he is fully convinced. At first I was angry, then just insulted, now just hurt. I mentioned that the last time he was deployed, his girlfriend at the time broke up with him WHILE he was over seas. So he's basing this belief solely on that...well, mainly on that. I have hugged other guys in his presence (one a close friend that I consider a brother, the other was my favorite bartender) and I did visually follow a guy across the room in his presence (which was wrong and I profusely apologized for it). He's also had a girlfriend introduce him to other guys as her "brother" with whom she later cheated on him with. "I" don't think any of my actions are indications that "I" would be unfaithful but given his past, I get it. I understand that his beliefs are based on his experiences/insecurities amplified by his PTSD. Anyway, he said that he needed some time/space to think and that I had to stop forcing him to talk.
Another part of the argument was about his Facebook post stating that he had accepted the job in Saudi before telling me. I expressed that I shouldn't have learned about that through Facebook. Let me also add that he modified that post to talk about all of the stress he has. He has a tendency to try to fix everything and everyone and takes on too much responsibility IMO. He said something about trying to help but always ends up hurting the people he loves the most. He also mentioned that he needed to use the time away (in Saudi) to get his head together and that he would be deactivating his Facebook account while he was gone. During out argument he actually did it.
SO, in the last 2 weeks, I tried to stay away. I didn't call but I did send him a message every couple of days. The fight was on a Tuesday, I texted "hey" on Saturday, Happy Father's Day Sunday, "Missing my boo thang" (lol, inside joke) on Friday, then a drunk "Damn I miss you" Saturday. He re-activated is Facebook account last Monday.
Yesterday (Monday) morning I reminded him (via text) that I was working a half day today (Tuesday) and would be off through Sunday. (We had previously made plans to spend this time together.) I asked could we meet. No response. Later in the day he unfriended me on Facebook. Seems silly but THAT really hurt! I sent him a message saying, "I still love you anyway. You're pushing me away. Unjustly but I get it. I still love you and am here for you."
It would be different if I didn't KNOW that he loves me. If I didn't KNOW that he's advised younger soldiers to "cut all ties" before deployment because it makes life easier for everyone. So instead of spending this week cuddling, laughing, making love, and taking pictures before he leaves, I'm trying to figure what "I" need to do for me. As I've said before, I love this man with all of my being. I truly believe he feels the same (He's told me I'm the air he breathes. His sister even said she's never seen him react to any woman like he does with me). My best friend said that this is the farthest he's "gone" before and maybe I should step back and see if he comes around when he gets back next year BUT DAMMIT I DON'T WANT TO! ....but it seems like I have to...
It's taking everything in me to not drive to his place (4 hours away). I KNOW that it will make things worse but dammit I miss him and want to see if this is what he REALLY wants...
...Struggling with the thought of waiting or moving on...
That argument stemmed from his belief that I will cheat on him while he is in Saudi Arabia for a year. I mean he is fully convinced. At first I was angry, then just insulted, now just hurt. I mentioned that the last time he was deployed, his girlfriend at the time broke up with him WHILE he was over seas. So he's basing this belief solely on that...well, mainly on that. I have hugged other guys in his presence (one a close friend that I consider a brother, the other was my favorite bartender) and I did visually follow a guy across the room in his presence (which was wrong and I profusely apologized for it). He's also had a girlfriend introduce him to other guys as her "brother" with whom she later cheated on him with. "I" don't think any of my actions are indications that "I" would be unfaithful but given his past, I get it. I understand that his beliefs are based on his experiences/insecurities amplified by his PTSD. Anyway, he said that he needed some time/space to think and that I had to stop forcing him to talk.
Another part of the argument was about his Facebook post stating that he had accepted the job in Saudi before telling me. I expressed that I shouldn't have learned about that through Facebook. Let me also add that he modified that post to talk about all of the stress he has. He has a tendency to try to fix everything and everyone and takes on too much responsibility IMO. He said something about trying to help but always ends up hurting the people he loves the most. He also mentioned that he needed to use the time away (in Saudi) to get his head together and that he would be deactivating his Facebook account while he was gone. During out argument he actually did it.
SO, in the last 2 weeks, I tried to stay away. I didn't call but I did send him a message every couple of days. The fight was on a Tuesday, I texted "hey" on Saturday, Happy Father's Day Sunday, "Missing my boo thang" (lol, inside joke) on Friday, then a drunk "Damn I miss you" Saturday. He re-activated is Facebook account last Monday.
Yesterday (Monday) morning I reminded him (via text) that I was working a half day today (Tuesday) and would be off through Sunday. (We had previously made plans to spend this time together.) I asked could we meet. No response. Later in the day he unfriended me on Facebook. Seems silly but THAT really hurt! I sent him a message saying, "I still love you anyway. You're pushing me away. Unjustly but I get it. I still love you and am here for you."
It would be different if I didn't KNOW that he loves me. If I didn't KNOW that he's advised younger soldiers to "cut all ties" before deployment because it makes life easier for everyone. So instead of spending this week cuddling, laughing, making love, and taking pictures before he leaves, I'm trying to figure what "I" need to do for me. As I've said before, I love this man with all of my being. I truly believe he feels the same (He's told me I'm the air he breathes. His sister even said she's never seen him react to any woman like he does with me). My best friend said that this is the farthest he's "gone" before and maybe I should step back and see if he comes around when he gets back next year BUT DAMMIT I DON'T WANT TO! ....but it seems like I have to...
It's taking everything in me to not drive to his place (4 hours away). I KNOW that it will make things worse but dammit I miss him and want to see if this is what he REALLY wants...
...Struggling with the thought of waiting or moving on...
