It's Getting Harder And Harder To Do The Work Necessary To Heal

[Heather]

My therapist keeps bringing up exposure therapy. He wants to know where I want to start? With the abortion? Or with something else? I just put my head in my hands and wanted to disappear. He asked me what was making it so hard. I just stared at him unable to find the words to express how hard it was.... I don't want to feel it! Is what I really wanted to say to him. He said that I lived through the worst of it and it's over BUT I STILL DON'T WANT TO FEEL IT AGAIN!! That is something he does not seem to realize.

He then suggested that we talk about why it is so hard to talk about... I don't know maybe that's a start. He also said that it's done slowly. When I asked him if I had to do it by myself he said no.

I also blew off EMDR. He was NOT very happy to hear about that. I haven't been in weeks. Between all the health problems I've had. Probably would have to start all over again anyways. I DON'T want to do it. I'm terrified of what it will dredge up.

I can't even figure out how to address a f*cking envelope these days! I don't need my life to be any harder than it already is.

 

[freakofnurture]

That's the disgusting thing about PTSD. To get better you have to hurt yourself over and over again until the spots go numb and you don't care anymore. It's like you say 'Ow, I have a bruise and it hurts.' and the doctor goes 'Here, poke it with a stick.' - Or you say 'Ow, my foot is broken.' and he smiles kindly and replies: 'Let me drop an anvil on that.'

(I know that's a cynical and inadequate way to describe it, but) I can sooo empathise with you, Heather. The closer I get to my in-patient trauma therapy, the more it scares me. It's so effed up.

 

[Heather]

. in-patient trauma therapy,.

You're going to do in-pt. trauma therapy -- WOW! You are one courageous Chick!:tup:

Good luck!

Hugs. Heather

 

[Brontie]

Heather,

The thing to keep in mind is that you are working to heal your stuff every day and not just when you are aware of it or when you are at the therapist's office.

While with the therapist things are intensified and even when you think it's not helping it is. And, I hate to say this but I think it's true, the more painful the process the more we progress. And it is very painful especially during a concentrated effort like with the therapist. And it's exhausting. Realising these things can make the 'after therapy session recovery' easier.

Try to treat the therapy session for what it is, an intensified effort at recovery, and just another step in the recovery process. Afterwards, rest and then maybe write about the session and your thoughts and feeling on it, like you do here, letting go of all the pressure and discomfort until the next session comes around.

It does get easier. The being unable to talk about it is maybe the hardest part. Get passed that and it does get easier. But in your own time.

 

[Heather]

So, I guess playing Connect Four in session is just another way of avoiding and really isn't going to help me get any better?:) It's better to play that then just sitting there and staring at my therapist.

Although, I feel like such a dope these days he kicks my a$$ pretty much every game we play:rolleyes: *sigh*

I just want to give up.

 

[Brontie]

Games are fun and are a lot more beneficial that some people give them credit for. I love puzzle games and find them very relaxing - and I often need to relax. Again, it might not feel like work is being done while playing a game but you are in fact establishing a pretty good relationship with your therapist. And that will stand you in good stead when it come to dealing with the more important stuff. Stick with it and you’ll beat him one day soon - that‘s progress!!

 

[Heather]

Games are fun

I have beaten him a few times. I think it's because he's let me win. Do you believe he asked me if I wanted to play CANDY LAND?!!! What am I a 5 y/o? :eek::laugh:. He better be glad I have a really good sense of humor and that I like him A LOT!

 

[Abrasky]

Oh heather (((Hugs))) I agree how it sucks how PTSD therapy just seems to get worse before you get better. I hope that your eventual progress gives you some comfort.

I can relate to feeling afraid of what would be dredged up. I didn't have anything really except emotional pain, nothing really dredged up that I wasn't ready to handle. But it was borderline, I really find therapy so hard too. Take care of yourself.

It is good that it is baby steps at a time, you deal with one issue at a time and get a break.

 

[Adrienne12]

You got to play connect four in therapy? Best therapy session ever..in my opinion regardless of avoiding.

 

[Brontie]

I have beaten him a few times. I think it's because he's let me win. Do you believe he asked me if I wanted to play CANDY LAND?!!! What am I a 5 y/o? :eek::laugh:. He better be glad I have a really good sense of humor and that I like him A LOT!

Perhaps he’s trying to communicate with your inner child.