@KeepingTime i didnt call what happened to me abuse, or a cult for years and years. It was my fault, i caused it for not complying for what "god" told them to do thus not complying with "god"'s orders. And punishment was right as i was wrong and thus had to punish myself as an adult for every single "bad' thing including but not limited to if someone got upset with me or if I didnt do something just right.
I also defended them and their actions and straight up screamed at my therapist if he dared to say a bad thing about them or what "god" said...after all, whom was my therapist to question "god"? Like how dare he!
Then blame,.all the blame squarly on me. Everything that happened, all the punishments, all the animals that died, all of the bad that happens in my world, my family going away, everything was my fault. When that shifted, everything changed. I couldnt move anywhere until I moved blame off of me. Which happened here on the site and theres no way it could of happened in therapy, too many walls were up. My defenses had to be down...and they were as down as they could have been, I was suicidal that night. In order to allow it to move, I had to answer the one question and say the one thing that had to be answered without any buts, without any excuses, without anything...i had to say it over and over and over to myself until I could do so without anything. My mom and step father are f*cked up pedophiles. Today its easy to say that, back last mid Jan not so much. Then i fought it for a while because blame badly wanted to come back over so i had to just keep saying it. Today, I believe it now. I didnt for a while after, it was just something I said to myself but today I can def say I believe it.
I still dont see my past as "horrible" and im still seperated from it but moving blame was the first step. I think the next biggest thing is moving rage.
Go at your pace, do it when you are ready. By the way, I hid in a closet it every time and I got locked in for days at a time too, in the first closet I hid in. A tiny little hall closet about 4 foot by 4 foot. It was the first place I hid so it was
the closet they locked me in. I started to hid in the bedroom closet after that and id get drug by my hair, actually drug by my hair was common for a lot of punishments.
I classify myself as "other" so i can tell you your past was abuse but not see my own past as "horrible".
And I ramble too. You can answer a lot of questions by rambling. Its your thread, ramble all you want! ;)
