I think it's likely combination of both, I've called him out on it a few times and he's responded by saying if he always turned up and said how bad things were, how bad I looked etc, etc I'd probably get offended or upset and even if I didn't most of his patients would. I understand where he's coming from and a part of me appreciates it, but a part of me feels incredibly dishonest if I'm essentially lying about how I am to him, surely that voids the point.
The non-PTSD/mental health reasons I don't go out now are:
Because I have more than 20 members of my paternal family who live in under a two mile radius from my door, in a small town. Because I get phone calls and other forms of contact from them, despite them being clearly told that we would file for a restraining order if they kept it up. It's not aided by the fact that they get together at family meetings and brew toxicity and gossip, most of them being clueless to the extent of the abuse that has gone on which leads my grandmother who I'm pretty sure has some form of dementia to both fuel my father and to phone us. Because, I find a lot of the local area intensely distressing to be in as it is, without having to be on the constant look out, to be aware that shit's going to be coming my way soon and to be aware of the phone calls and so on.
Because even if my paternal family is bad, none of that compares to my father's drug dealer, who is armed to the teeth and if my T thinks my father is a psychopath, he's nothing compared to the dealer. He terrifies me more than anyone else, if he learns about the rift between my father (and paternal family) and my maternal family, it's very obvious that I've remembered the abuse and I honestly believe he would attempt to intimidate/attack/enforce our ensured silence upon us with violence, torture or an unfortunate accident like a house fire or cutting my mum's brake lines, he has no fear of hurting others to prove a point at all and is very, very dangerous. Though I can't be certain of this with out finding out - that would put me directly in the line of fire, so I have to be uncertain, but prepared nonetheless for any and every outcome. I have a go bag packed,ready to leave at any moment but I'm very worried I can't convince my mum to do the same. She acknowledges the danger and risk, but believes that they won't do anything because we've said we'll keep quiet, but she's never met the dealer.
The mental health based reasons are that I'm agoraphobic, I'm jittery - so visibly shaky and disturbed when I'm around others that people usually steer well clear of me, I find myself curled up in tiny corners or under things when I have to stay in one place for more than a few minutes without moving on because I feel so exposed and scared. I have no friends or social life (literally), but there's honestly no way I could handle those things right now. And all of this is presuming I can get ready and leave the house without dissociating for hours instead, trapped in my body completely shut down.
There are more reasons that are smaller littler issues but by now I'm pretty sure you have a good understanding of the difficulties. It wasn't me who said I had a bad life, it was my T. Both her and my social worker are well aware of the real risk and threat that I'm under and the issues that presents, therapy at the moment is more about trying to keep me out of hospital even though that would mean that my family wouldn't know where I was. Although it gives me some "freedom" within my little room.
