General Its Nothing Personal

[sunshineball]

Nicolette,
I think that maybe you have a point there and to a degree this was one of the reasons behind my reluctance, even though I wasn't quite aware of it. But the main reason is because he is now deployed and that takes a big toll on him - I guess I was using it as an excuse for his behaviour. I know that he is under A LOT of additional pressure because of that and sometimes I am the only outlet, but I am starting to realise now that the cost of it is too much - even if I wanted to, I can only take so much before the resentment comes and I decide I can't take it anymore. It's a complicated situation - at least to me - but I'm starting to understand it a little better.

 

[Shoka]

Nicolette,

I can comment that for me, the abandonment issues HAS MOST DEFINETLY been one that I struggled with then, and as you know, I still struggle with it now. Being better able to establish my boundaries though has given me a confidence in myself that needed to be strengthened in my life in general.

Sunshineball, you will get through it. It's scary the first time you stand up to him and say that you won't be treated badly and then walk away with no discussion on the matter. The first time I did it, I walked away and sobbed for half an hour. I felt scared and alone, but it felt better than being someone's emotional punching bag. I can assure you that what I have learned in my instance is that he seems to respect me alot more because he knows that I don't want that treatment in my life and he knows I'll walk away.

Pure and simple being a carer of someone with PTSD absolutely requires healthy personal boundaries. I thought mine were good, they weren't enough. It's one thing to be a carer, it's another thing to be a toxic caretaker. IMHO, I learned that I am being a toxic caretaker when I feel that I are constantly being walked on, when I have tolerated being screamed at, intimidated, and had really mean things said to me for no reason. It doesn't help him or me when I allow it to happen. It only makes him feel worse about himself and then I end up with the resentment/unresolved anger, which, unprocessed becomes depression. It's a downward spiral.

Having those boundaries isn't easy, but it's like a muscle that needs to be strengthened, the more you practice it, the stronger it gets. Ane believe me when I say it's been an imperfect process for me. It's about progress, not perfection.


Shoka

 

[pegasus]

Wow, Nicollette I am so glad you put this link into the other thread. It is just what I needed to reaffirm the boundaries I'm setting and to see other people struggle with implementing and enforcing them. Thank you

 

[cynelena]

Nicolette,

I also thank you for bringing us here...I had read some of this thread a while back, but only today did it "hit home".

I just got back from my seeing my therapist and we had talked about some things I need to say to my BF, although, I think she could really learn a lot from this forum:wink: (Though this is our space and not hers of course)

We are not alone and it feels good! I feel empowered to have the conversations I need to with my BF and will be thinking of each of you when I do.

Wishing you all days with good boundaries,

Cynthia