It's Over, I'm Mourning

[Stickler]

My LDR fiancée, whom I affectionately nicknamed Mr Crazypants, has emotionally attacked me.
He did so in such a way that I cannot take him back unless he takes steps to assure that will never happen again?
Not to say I had not screwed up, I did screw up. I was willing to apologize and fix it. But as my equal, you don't get to punish me, to rail at me irrationally, to scramble my brains.

The thing is...Mr Crazypants has refused to work at getting better.

...I feel stupid, really. He really is too dysfunctional to have a marriage with...I thought maybe he was not? But he doesn't seem to understand that...I have a job and responsibilities and brain cooties of my own to manage?

Both of us have PTSD, major depression, multiple personalities. He has borderline personality disorder as well.

I love him. But unless he gets better, he will regularly push me to the breaking point. I don't think he will. He self-sabotages like a champ.

Someone very wise on here said that " We have the right to be selfish". I don't want someone who regularly takes a poo in my head and calls it love.

I am crushed, though. Very crushed.

 

[TXbandit]

Big hugs, Stickler. You did the right thing for you and him. I'm glad that you had not made your way over the pond then it happen there. It would be much harder and may have even been worse. I know you are hurting and I can't change that. I wish I could. All I can offer is a hug and an ear. Hang in there, hun. :hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

"Brain cooties" I love that term!!! I'm sorry about your relationship falling apart. You know, it all boils down to trauma and freeze, flight, or fight. All three wreak havoc in life. And, yes, you deserve what you want and need.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

ou know, it all boils down to trauma and freeze, flight, or fight.

Here I also learned about Fawn, the 4th F. Done all the F's. Fawn was the one that brought me to me knees. Appeasing at your own expense. Fight Fawn.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Is Fawn going faint?

 

[2ndtimearound]

So sorry that you are coming to this realization, stickler. I know how hard this has all been for you. I think it shows so much strength and growth for you to be able to realize that you deserve a certain degree of respect and understanding. You absolutely have the right to be selfish, although nothing about your situation sounds like being selfish at all. To me, you are being assertive and setting very necessary limits. Doesn't mean your heart isn't breaking, though. We are here for you as you put the pieces back together. :hug:s

 

[shimmerz]

Is Fawn going faint?

Yes. Pete Walker has a great bunch of information on the Fawn response. I used to do this regularly.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Stickler - I'm really sorry to hear this, I hope you're doing alright and looking after yourself. I am currently experiencing a similar situation myself. It hurts, it's hard, but you will be okay eventually.

Not to say I had not screwed up, I did screw up. I was willing to apologize and fix it.

Yes, this is what happened with me too. I was willing to put any amount of work into the relationship, as long as he was willing to try...

The thing is...Mr Crazypants has refused to work at getting better.

....but this is what my guy did too. I'm gutted. But a relationship will never work out if both people are not committed to it.

Do give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship, and the loss of the future that you thought you had with him. It's important to do this, it will help you move on. It's hard to embrace the positives when your heart is broken (I'm right there with you at the moment!), but it's entirely possible that this relationship could have dragged on for years more before reaching the same conclusion. It sounds like you have acknowledged the part you played in the demise of the relationship and owned up to it - good for you. Try to focus on how you can use this experience to work on your own self-development and become a better person - for yourself as much as for your next relationship.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk/vent/cry/rant. Hugs if you'd like them.

 

[Friday]

Is Fawn going faint?

Boot licking. The worse you kick a dog, the harder it tries to please you, kind of response to adrenaline. Someone hits you? I'm so sorry I made you do that! I'll make you a sammich & buy you a flat screen TV & & & & &. Instead of fighting? It's instant ingratiating. Someone hurts you & you try to make them feel better about it at total expense of yourself. The pathological side of selflessness. They hurt you & you fawn after them for their approval. I think it's closer to fight than flee/freeze. Since you're still going at the person who has hurt you. But instead of fighting them, you try to ingratiate yourself to them.

 

[Friday]

Someone very wise on here said that " We have the right to be selfish". I don't want someone who regularly takes a poo in my head and calls it love

Very true. Good on you for deciding that what you need/want in a relationship is equally valid as what anyone else need/wants in a relationship, & that it's on you to take care of your side of the street :) This isn't what you want, and you're doing something to change that. I do wish that doing the right thing didn't hurt so damn much, but it tends to pay in pain up front, to save pain later.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Stickler

Thank you for your post. My situation, his father died, and I gave most of his behavior a pass. Turned out it was just who he is the entitled rich trust fund baby, not grief. Poo in my head then and still flushing it out.

 

[Kailani]

So sorry Stickler!!!! So proud of you for all the work you are doing to get better and glad you want "mr crazy pants" to get better too!!!! Hopefully that will resonate with him so he will eventually try. I have found you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Glad you have healthy boundaries to protect yourself. I also don't think you are being selfish but are being smart. Sabatoge isn't healthy emotionally. I am very protective of my emotional and physical, sexual health because I have experienced the result of not being protective far more than I ever anticipated and can't afford those areas to be taken lightly by others. Good for you!!! I always say if it was meant to be it will be and if not there are lots of fish in the sea. Learning to be happy single is awesome too. There are a lot of great things about being with someone and not being with someone. You deserve awesome treatment!!!!!