I've Always Wanted To Tell You...

[Uvugoc]

This is a really good thread...can I rant at/about two people? I'm going to anyway!

First off- what happened to you giving a sh*t?! You said you'd be there, you said I'm the one student in school who you think deserves all the help college can offer. Well, a) I find that hard to believe because my self-worth is on the floor and before you say anything...no I can't f**king help it or change it! Yes, I know I was brainwashed as a child...knowing that and being able to think differently like flicking a switch in my head are very different things! B) Prove it! What happened to the listening ear and cups of tea?! What happened to making sure I was okay? What happened to having a few minutes spare when I've been triggered in class? You don't give a f*** do you?! Not really. I'm not asking much, I just need consistency because uncertainty is all I've known and I cannot handle it! Are you in or out?

Second person- Why the hell are you kicking me out now?! You've said yourself we could stretch the sessions left but you don't want to in case it hurts me more when we do have to stop. Okay, fine.. in that case why don't we just call it quits now?! Why are you so hellbent on getting my story out of me when you know damn well how much it hurts, how hard it is for me to trust? What's the p**sing point in telling you such personal information when we both know we don't have time to process it and discuss it properly and then I have to leave and start over. Why don't I get a choice in this?!

 

[Arezo]

You scare me. I'm scared of you. And I should feel safe.

 

[Aheri]

What happened to my brother? The kid who used to sit next to me and draw with me, and we'd take turns giving each other help with how to improve what or just admire our work. What happened to the kid who used to write me poens for my birthday...who grew into a mean, abusive asshole who now takes every opportunity to show me how little he respects me and women in general....who talks my ear off about how f*cked women all are, and brings up my past misdeeds to try and shame me, who tried to drive me crazy for his own amusement, and just shits on me at every possible turn...and then apologizes, only to do it again next time with even more vitriolic venom.

What happened to you that you are now so hopelessly messed up and do nothing but sit around mixing beats and smoking grass, which doesn't make you peaceful, it makes you even more aggro than you already were? What happened to you that you think you have to make me feel like I'm weird jus tto make yourself feel better?

What the hell happened to you?

I'm tired of waiting for you to turn it all around, for you to change your attitude, for you to stop acting like a total dickhead and start looking at what made you this way, and what happened to you that has made you so abusive towards me?

We both know something happened, and I'm tired of being the only one brave enough to look, adn then getting shat on by cowards like you who are too busy escaping from their problems to stop and look at how it is effecting the people who care about you.

I've waited for you for 20 years to start looking, and i was prepared to help you through all of it...but you've lost me. You have sucked the goodness out of my heart and replaced it with nothing but emptiness and disbelief at how you could be so f*cking indifferent to me and my suffering, when I have been so willing to stand by you through yours.

I've had enough. I no longer even care what happened to you, and if you ever do grow the balls to start looking...I won't be there for you.

You will have no one...and it will be all your own fault!

 

[Aheri]

Oh, and by the way...the reason you get upset from seeing my vulnerability is because it is your OWN vulnerability you are looking at through the mirror that is me.

You are, underneath it all, a sensitive and vulnerable human being. So just accept it and stop acting like a tough guy using the word "respect" all the time...you don't even know the meaning of the word.

 

[Aca]

This one's a little different than most of the above.

I've always wanted to tell you, and part of me thinks you already know, I've loved you from, oh, around eight or ten hours into the first day we met. And not just because you helped me out of an existential logjam. More than most, because of your own history, you understand what happened to me in my early life, and how that makes me who I am today. Your overlap with the things that interest me only accentuates that. The fact that you're also smokin' hot is just icing on the cake.

Though I was thrilled to have come through that ordeal better than when I went in, I was kind of sad to leave, after those few days fate threw us together earlier this summer. I have missed you ever since. Not that I think you're perfect, or a paragon, or whatever. Just that I miss your companionship, and being able to share my thoughts with you like I did so freely for those few days. Usually at least a few times a week, if not a few times a day, I wonder "what would X think about this?" or "I think X would really enjoy this. You are just far enough away by both distance and circumstance to be inaccessible to me by any means except the Internet, which is not the ideal mode for feelings of this nature. (Maybe that's actually a good thing.) I had hoped it would fade in time, and to some extent it has, but that may only because I haven't been able to physically be in your presence since then. I still feel the pull when some echo of our past conversations boomerangs back around to me.

But even knowing all of this I can never say anything directly to you, can't tell you any of how I feel, because I'm married, to someone I deeply love* and who has loved me deeply for years before you ever showed up, someone who is wonderful in so many ways, who is supportive of my PTSD quirks and fiercely loyal to me. (You remember how I said when I introduced you to another very loyal longtime friend of mine, that loyalty is very important to me.) This is the first time I have felt any ripple of a challenge to my own loyalty in my relationship, and coming through it was difficult to say the least. I don't think it's fair to anyone involved leave one perfectly good, non-dysfunctional relationship for the sake of a possibility of another relationship (with someone that may even be more broken than I am/was in some ways), and for this reason alone I have to keep my feelings in check.

* I learned a long time ago that I am capable of feeling intense love for more than one person at a time for months and even years at a time; I've since learned, a couple painful reality checks going both ways, that relationships are tricky enough when it's just two people.

It makes me sad that you're alone, maybe even more than it makes me sad I can't be with you myself. I truly hope you find someone of quality to spend your days and nights with. I wish I could help take away some of your pain the way you helped take away some of mine. I hope that one day you find your treasure and heal at least some of the places you are broken. But after long hours pondering my feelings and my options, I have accepted that whatever this is, it's not going to go any farther, cannot go any father, than our infrequent conversations about, well, any topic except the elephant in the room.

I am sending you massive amounts of light and love. But I am also keeping my distance. We may just have to wait until a future incarnation. Okay?

 

[Ugu]

You never cared about my feelings, you did hurt me. And you did let me down.

 

[Iwoc]

Something not human, to you. An experiment.

 

[Ofen]

Person 1.Your problems aren't my problems, not anymore. I grew up, I left. It's time you accepted the reason none of your kids keep in contact with you, is YOU. We aren't ungrateful or bad. You're toxic.

Person 2. You and your new girlfriend deserve each other, read into that whatever you like.

Person 3. I think secretly, you're more f*cked up than most of us and that is okay.

 

[Muvu]

Quit projecting yourself on me when we argue. Quit telling me how selfish I am, how it always has to be my way (never was), how "others" think the same as you. Stay on the subject of what we were talking about. If it was something you did that I need to discuss, don't turn it around on me. Let's just deal with it. Oh, and when you are mad with me quit telling others how unreasonable I was, when I wasn't, in an effort to make you look good.

Most of all, learn to apologize to me for your the hurt you are causing. Why is it always me who ends up apologizing and you never take responsibility for your actions. Quit acting like you are owed that.

 

[Morem]

Mother: I hated when I was struggling financially how you would always have to tell me all the new things my sister was buying!!!! The only reason she could buy these things was because her husband was left an inheritance when his father died. The day the man died they hired an appraiser to see how much money they would get. UGH!

You alway told me these things with a little smile on your face when you knew how hard I was trying to just save money to buy a house of my own. It hurt me so much that you did this. I don't understand how you would seem to enjoy doing this. I never said a word to stop you but felt so bad when you left. I never wanted to be around you because what she was buying was all you would talk about. When I saw you I would feel sick.

 

[Ruvupav]

I still love you. I just don't trust you. And I'm beginning to wonder if you're actually a sociopath.

 

[Uzopi]

Leaving me was the best thing you've ever done....for me, not you.

I'm upset not because YOU left me. I'm upset because I have abandonment issues and any semblance of abandonment makes me freak.