I've Always Wanted To Tell You...

[Avuna]

I have always loved you, even when I didn't know you. When so did know you, I loved you even more and was head over heels, obsessively in love with you. You became the best friend I needed in a guy, when John betrayed my friendship and honesty. Then, I had know you didn't love me the way I loved you. Times has changed and I still love you,though things have changed and you're engaged. Yeah, you never really succeed in your relationships with girls and yet, I have always remaused as your best friend.

Damn, if you only knew how much I needed when I left home, went from place to place and now, we are we? Are we still best friends? Last time I checked, I told you I reacted the way I did and have given you the space tu deserve. You have someone new, after many failed relationships and a part of me hopes it doesn't work out but what kind of friend I would be if a part of me did? You have no damn idea how hard it is o be alone and have nobody to trust in now. I am wondering, would you still let me back in your life and still accept me as your best friend? Its been over 2 years since I've last seen your face and now, a hug would be the best Christmas gift for me.

I wonder, am I still your superhero? I've saved everyone else in my life,I wonder if God can still save me from this misery also? I hate that I miss you but distance has proved to be a double-edged sword...

 

[Dutoza]

You set me up with all these sick ideas of what life is meant to be and I'll never forgive you. The second-hand admission that you've been a real prick at times is meaningless. You became what you despised in your past and there's no excuses for that. This lifetime of criticism and condescending nonsense has left me with nothing but hate for you. It doesn't matter that you're 'trying', it's too little too late. I'll be polite, but only to spare others from your tantrums. If I weren't concerned about you taking things out on them I'd be thrilled to say all of this to your face. I'll wait until you're on your deathbed, then I'll whisper my thanks for the hell I've gone through trying to recover from your second-hand sickness.

 

[Cetiw]

You were my dad but you were a very sick and disturbed man. You were a great source of confusion for me. You were crazymaking and violent and had your rituals. You were a snob. You thought you were better than everyone around you.

You were very confusing because you had moments of kindness.

 

[Ofen]

You have no idea how much I wish I met you first. But I'll never say that to you, nor do anything about it. It's been 3 years and I love you more every day. I'll have to settle for knowing you exist.

 

[Oti]

I love you and admire you so much, but I don't know if I will ever fully forgive you for letting me live through what I did. I was just a kid. I needed a protector, and it was supposed to be you. Instead, I was the one who held you while you cried and the one who stayed strong for our family. You always tell me that you would not have had the courage to leave without me, and I know too well that it is true.

I am happy that you are out now. You have grown so strong, and your life is so incredible. I am so proud to tell everyone I know what you have risen above and that you are my inspiration, because you are.
But I can't help but wonder... if you had protected me rather than me protecting you, would the roles still be reversed? Would I be capable of being the woman you are, the healed, whole woman I want so badly to be? Would you be just like me now, shattered and scrambling?

The truth is, and I really hate myself for this, I can't help but think that, after all that I did to keep you alive, I deserve to be in your shoes, and just maybe you deserve to know what it feels like to be in mine.

 

[Esukaf]

I love you. I miss you. Thank you for finally understanding after all these years. I wish you could have prior to my leaving.

 

[Tedej]

You know how you always say you have no one? What am I then?

You know how you say everyone sucks? what about me?

You say everyone leaves you? what about me?

You whine and bitch and complain, and wonder why I get annoyed? You bitch about the state the house is in and then do nothing to help tidy it up, and then get scared and confused when I get upset. You hate it when I treat you like a 5 year old, but then when you act like one you get upset because I treat you like an adult. You are too confusing.

 

[Mazomo]

You were supposed to keep my safe. You were supposed to be my big brother, my protector. Well, you FAILED. And, not only by what you did to me, but my turning your back as soon as you were done. I know you we're just a kid too, I know something must have led you to do that. I just don't understand though. Then years later you start buying me expensive gifts and saying you love me. You look disgusted that I get depressed like you have no idea you're the reason why. I deserved better. I could have been normal. I could have been the kind of girl someone could love not just divorced at 23. I could have been the kind of girl that can love. Part of me really f**ing hates you.

 

[Owid]

I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you more than words can express. I trusted you and let you in closer than anyone before. I wish you were still here, that we could talk like before, but now all I get is silence and it breaks my heart. Though deep down I know you are better off without me.

 

[Idi]

I always did want to tell you world that you suck beyond f'n belief. You world are so f'n stupid and pathetic. You world relentlessly destroy and seek to level all that is good. I won't give you world the satisfaction of hating you, ...so this won't last. I will live and love while I must temporarily remain here, but you world can kiss all of our asses.

You world are an abomination.

 

[Elan]

That everything you have abhored and detested in your own mom has become part of your own makeup. I wish you could see it dad.

 

[Zuhuco]

I let you see everything inside of me. More than anyone else I've ever known.

I gave you all that I had left of me to give. More than I gave to anyone else.

When we met, I had stopped living, breathing, and dreaming. With you, you gave me life, hope, and restored my vision.

For the first time in my life, I was loved. For the first time, I could see my future.

But now all that's left are two bleeding hearts. No matter what I say or do, I can't take it back. You were the best thing in my life. Probably the best thing that will ever happen to me from now til the end. And it's gone. Every night, I cry. My heart is completely broken without you. I just hope one day you can forgive me.