I've Become The Abuser

[Poppy1224]

My ex boyfriend had an incredible absurd and unhealthy relationship, but care about each other ultimately, or at least we want so desperately to. We've been back together for the last few days and it's been better than ever. Last night I was drunk, I was angry at him for avoiding me yet again. I drunk drove to his house, woke him up and started grilling him. The rest is a little hazy, but I was extremely physically and verbally abusive, drunkenly recalling experiences in the past that had nothing to do with him. I hit him as hard as I could, I took him to the ground, the things coming from my mouth, I didn't know I had it in me. That I was only a blow up doll for him, that I mean nothing more than sex to him, that that's all I am , why is he wasting his time, how he abandoned me after I had just been evacuated from Cairo in february, that I had stayed awake for 5 nights in fear of being raped by looters and police officers and he left me crying in my living room like it was no big deal. I don't know anything else, I never have.

I am so deeply ashamed of what I've done. There is no excuse for physically assaulting someone because of traumas you've experienced. I came home this morning and overdosed again. I don't know how to live like this anymore.

I've come to realize that this culture is not built in a way that allows victims of sexual assault and rape to be angry, who can I be angry at? The guy who raped me when I was 18 who now lives in Florida? The mexican cab driver? I don't know how to be angry. For so long I've been secretly enraged that the last 4 years have been stolen from me, though I've done everything to regain control over my life, memories don't go away, I don't know where to put them, and I'm growing tired of trying to pretend everything is fine. It sounds awful, but hitting him felt good. He started crying, he was so hurt by what I'd done, he looked scared. I truly hate myself. I don't know what I deserve anymore.

 

[leanne1321]

Poppy,

I've been abusive to my husband lately (on a smaller scale, but still abuse) so I know how bad you must be feeling.

First of all, I would advise you against drinking if your emotions are getting the better of you. You don't want to add any more fuel to the fire!

It's ok to be angry, and it's normal after what you've been through, but I want you to question yourself and ask; are you still feeling any anger towards him from the past, or are you just venting the anger from your trauma? Either way, as you said, abuse is unnacceptable, but it's important to get to the core of your anger, then you can deal with it.

Are you in therapy? If so, talk to your T about this. Practice grounding skills and try and catch the anger before it errupts.

And obviously, if you haven't already, apologize to your boyfriend. It sounds like you really care for him, so let him know that you're sorry and your trying to handle your anger.

That's all I can really say, but I wish you the best!

 

[Poppy1224]

You're right... Drinking is a huge part of it, it feels like the only time I get to be angry and it's not working. Our relationship is very much over, I think it's a good idea for me to be single right now anyway. Thank you for your advice :)

 

[cherryblossom]

In one way I'm sorry to hear the end of any relationship, but it also sounds like the right thing for you both right now.

It sounds like it's time to do a lot of work on yourself, for yourself, in dealing with the past, then sort out your relationships.

Anger is a normal reaction to trauma, but learning to manage that anger, and find acceptable outlets for your anger (maybe exercise - martial arts, self defence, kick boxing, running etc). And also working through your anger with a therapist, will be keys to moving forwards.

 

[crazytrain]

Great advice, CB! I like to listen to my "angry music" when I am upset (Metallica, anything really loud and obnoxious!). The bass seems to help me calm down a bit. Exercising while listening to it is also very helpful!

CT