I've Destroyed My Marriage

[arfie]

A profound repetition within my own healing circles is the need to "hit bottom" before we can break away from the dysfunctions that have protected us for so long. Most of our dysfunctions began as a child's best guess at finding safety within an impossible situation. Recognizing them, much less fine tuning them, is nothing simple. When I look back now at the many times I "hit bottom" my graphic thought process inserts an image of hitting a mud covered seed against the ground in order to break away the dried mud so that I can identify the seed. I am an amatuer botanist. I do this often as I walk. The seeds are, indeed, tough enough to take it.

So or no for you, Miss Understood, keep sharing. Your truth is IN there.

 

[jd9900]

I often find comfort in music. Your post reminds me of what I have been going through, and reminds me of a song that helps me put my thoughts into words. ....

 

[Abstract]

I agree with the others that you need to tell her the truth and correct what has been said that was not true. It's not about seeing if she will take you back as that is a separate issue but rather about you being authentic with yourself and her deserving to know the truth.

I've been on a consistent downward spiral for a long time.

, I've hit rock bottom.

I need a therapist,

I've lied to everyone especially myself.

Many good things can come with hitting rock bottom. How can you use this to change things and start healing?

I like @macca 's advice on separating the PTSD from your identity. Behaviour is separate to identity. We can learn from our mistakes.

 

[jd9900]

Abstract, I like what you said. Hitting rock bottom, it just means we have a chance to climb even higher. Nothing is too hard to live through and everyone deserves to stand up for themselves.

 

[Miss_Understood]

Thank you all for the support. I know that I have a long and tough road ahead of me. I have to work today, my job is on shaky ground too but I think I'm going to talk to hr and see if I can take time off. I've always been the breadwinner and right now it's hard to do that. I contacted a therapist last night.

I also write this poem and texts it to my wife. I used to right a lot but I stopped. I need to grow up, I'm too old to be acting this way , I'm better than that.

The things inside tear me apart
Existing in the ocean of my heart
Staining my soul with mud
Boiling in my blood
I regret everything I've become
Increasingly dumb
Couldn't be more from the heart
It's tearing me apart
All these words I don't say
Something in the way
All these lies
Hiding behind my eyes
My heart, my soul aches
How much can I take
I stumble, I fall
To you I crawl
I hope I can fight
I can't see without your light
I need you to breathe me
Don't ignore my plea
I've broken my crown
Spinning fast falling down
Although not forsaken
Fighting with the kraken
When I have to get through
I'm glad I belong to you

 

[shimmerz]

I'm scared to open the can of worms that is my heart.

May I ask, what will happen if you open the can of worms that is your heart?

 

[Miss_Understood]

May I ask, what will happen if you open the can of worms that is your heart?

I don't know, I'm afraid of just how bad it is. I took the initiative to talk to hr at work and get some help. I hope that my wife can forgive me and that I can forgive her.

 

[jd9900]

I recently went through a very similar phase with my wife - I told her almost precisely what you just sad - that I have forgiven me; I have forgiven her. The scary part for me is realizing that forgiveness may not equate to happiness with her - I am better for taking these steps but they aren't a magic pill that fixes everything.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I apologized to her but she doesn't accept it right now. I've hurt her a lot and I have to deal with the damage I've caused. I'm here for the long haul, so time will tell if I am strong enough to do this. Hope to all thugs holy that I am.

 

[jd9900]

It seems like you are processing what happened, and that is all you can do sometimes. It will make you better for it, and I think it is a great step!

 

[Abstract]

I contacted a therapist last night.

That is amazing! Well done. That is a very good first step.

Just checking to see if I have missed something. What did your wife do that means you need forgive her?

The poem is beautiful. But I have to say that if I received something like that in what I can gather is the situation then it would not do it for me. It would probably just make me feel burdened but that is just me.

You were saying you treated her unfairly and said hurtful things which were not true and that she ended things between you. And yet your poem is all about you or about her only in terms of how it props you up. Not that it isn't valuable as a means of exploring what is in your mind but not something I would show to someone who has just ended it with me and is feeling hurt.

As I said I may not be understanding the full situation here.

 

[Miss_Understood]

She had an emotional affair on me. It really made never feel betrayed and unloved. Ip

I know it's gonna be a long dark road but I'm sure I can do this. I did apologize and told her I understand that she needs space and time, I told her I'm not going anywhere, and that I take accountability for the hurtful things I've said.