Jealous Of A Friend With Cancer

[Serene]

I started therapy in my mid 20's. I was with that t for 3 years. He was great. I was also in group therapy for a couple of years. Then I moved. About 15 years ago I started therapy at with a woman who is wonderful. I would see her for a few years, then not for a few years, and so on. I just started with a new t a few weeks ago. His approach is very different from the former t. I think it's going to be good for me.

My life tends to be like the stock market. I do really well for weeks or months or even years and then things get all stirred up and I go back down for weeks or months or years. My suicide attempts were in 2006 and 2007. I haven't been hospitalized since then.

And thank you SO much for being willing to tell me things that I might not want to hear. The only perspective I have is mine and it can get really warped so I appreciate people helping me to see things that I haven't seen or can't see.

Today I am feeling better. Today is the first day I have not had suicidal ideation in a while. I think it might be due, in part, to the support I am finding here.

Thank you so much, everyone!

Serene

 

[TLight]

Serene;
All I can say is that I'm right there with you.

I went in last year for a breast lump and, to tell the truth, the whole entire time I was wishing it was positive for cancer and then I'd elect to not receive treatment.

I totally get it.

 

[Bordo66]

well I actually found something to laugh about at the psychologist it went like this:

I was talking with the psychologist today and I said: (P = psychologist)
Me: It's kind of funny when I think about it
P: Whats funny?
Me: I went to the Landmachtdagen(army days) and when I told a soldier there was only 1 thing I was afraid of if I made it till the army.
P: oo whats that?
Me: That I will get PTSD!, haha it was so ironic when I thought about it. I have had it all the time and the soldier actually said: You dont know when you have PTSD.

I guess Irony hasn't left the world!

 

[Jestadud]

No Serene I don't feel guilty, it's just how my mindset works. My normal has always been to not expect a long life yet I know others think differently and even picture themselves reaching a ripe old age.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand what you mean Serene, but that's just a symptom of depression, please don't feel any more badly than you already do.

I think it's very necessary to try to help your children understand and for them to see you actively trying to seek out help and take responsibility to do that for yourself, so that they can have a sense of security and understand how much is (and is not) within your control.

Perhaps your friend also feels somewhat differently (than she did before), certainly it can bring to mind all one is thankful for, and has.
It is also very difficult to say good-bye.

I feel as Jesta described- that it is a 'waste' (when) it's more important others should be living more than me (have children, family, etc). I would change places with them. I see their suffering as 'real' and mine as not, and that makes me feel ashamed. Though oddly-enough I have a whole family full of cancer, I don't think I would view it as 'suffering', if I got it.
I do feel guilty to not understand why exactly 'life is a gift'- to not appreciate or be thankful for it properly- but Jesta is right, it's more accurate to see it as symptomatic of the 'disease'/ mindset.

I once had something go away (physically) and I was so incredibly thankful, even every flower looked (more) beautiful, in a different way.

I think to change SI you have to give and accept love, -like from your children. And eradicate some of the guilt and shame. Also to learn that -you/ 'now'/ the moment/ the future/ 'good things'/ love- are just that: 'good' and you are 'entitled' to accept them.
And get the ptsd in check and try to challenge the thinking/ mindset, even if it's by 'faith' or taking others' words for it, when you 'can't' or don't know 'how'.

But yes, I understand, I am not sure I could 'fight', as well, if I had to. But I do understand what you are saying and you are not alone in your thoughts. But they are not your 'intention', you don't 'want' to feel that way.

-Hugs, if you will accept them.

 

[Serene]

[quote[

I see their suffering as 'real' and mine as not, and that makes me feel ashamed.

You have hit the nail on the head! That is exactly how I feel.

I once had something go away (physically) and I was so incredibly thankful, even every flower looked (more) beautiful, in a different way.

I've had that same reaction. I have chronic migraines. I had a nerve block once that took away ALL of the pain for about 3 days. I felt like I was flying. Everything looked incredibly beautiful.

I think to change SI you have to give and accept love

I don't know what SI means.

get the ptsd in check and try to challenge the thinking/ mindset

Where can I find that?

Hugs, if you will accept them.

Absolutely. I love hugs. Thank you so much.

 

[moriah]

Serene

I have had cancer twice and I delayed treatment both times because I was uncertain that I wanted to continue living. I now envy my old self and wish I could do it over and not have treated the cancer because the pain of my PTSD is worse than the cancer pain, the pain of broken bones, the pain of waking up due to anesthesia wearing off too soon - all of which I've experienced first hand.

The shame is just your desire to be healthier a desire that is thwarted, trapped and turned inward.

The shame should be shared. We still live in a world in which PTSD and so much other suffering - treating it is and thevprecursor to doing so, namely understanding it is just not valued as much as running from pain.

we are like others in history who have suffered without relief, lepors, epileptics, slaves, etc but our agony is invisible.

your courage in the face of pain is just as real and true as your friends with cancer.

dealing with my PTSD takes 100 times more strength to endure than cancer or it's treatment ever did. The pain of PTSD is to me more a kin to the stages of extreme cancer treatments where the patient no longer can struggle to survive, doesn't want to, cannot want to.

At least they are given morphine.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you for your kindness moriah, I am sorry for your pain (all-around).
My heart goes out to you. I have often thought having cancer as well as ptsd wouldn't make life any easier (the Understatement of the Century :()
-You are a very brave and sweet person.
Hugs also, if that's ok.

Dear Serene, sorry- SI is "Suicidal Ideation".
To get the ptsd in check and try to change the thinking/ mindset requires everything you can throw at it that is healthy physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually: therapy, mindfulness, proper self care (eating/ sleeping, etc), working on one's self-esteem (or self-worth), medication, talking, honesty, etc.

-Yes, Serene, the flowers looked like this, eh: :inlove: (:))
That made me laugh, yes everybody/ thing usually looks pretty 'good' to me but I remember even the lamp-posts looked beautiful, lol.

((((Serene)))), (again then :))

 

[Serene]

Oh, Moriah. All that you have been through...how brave you are. Thank you for your encouragement. You're right. We are misunderstood by so many in our society.

I am feeling much better than I was when I started this post only three days ago. In fact, it seems like it was a month ago. All of your comments have been so helpful.

Cyberhugs to all of you!

 

[Jestadud]

Thanks for clarifying what SI was Junebug, have to admit that I thought it was a nickname for Serene.:rolleyes:

There you go Serene the rollercoaster that is Ptsd just continues on it's way, only 3 days to find an uphill section of the ride isn't bad going. :D

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, .. Serene you could be, "Sweetly Inspiring" (also..) :)

 

[The Albatross]

I am hardwired already with something that can kill me. I've been in clinical medical environments for a long time. I have seen the diagnosis of a disease go both ways, with many in the middle - stuck and wavering indecisive and paralyzed by wrapping their head around the disease model for what ever their illness is. The ones who dig deep and get the moxie to fight their diagnosis like your friend, are one end of the spectrum... the other end of the spectrum are the ones who are "failure to thrives". Those are the ones who are prone to depression and who give up before they make an effort or just can't get willing to try to recover. After even a surgery with no chronic diagnosis, I've seen people just give up, stay in bed, curl up, stop eating and drinking.

My take on this is that I'm getting boots on the ground training with my PTSD and depression for how to tackle a chronic diagnosis... if I get one. The idea that I'm ready to be taken out by an accident or a disease is a "red flag" for me that I'm focused more on dying than on living and it means I'm stressed, depressed, and these thoughts have power. My body is more than happy to comply and set me up for illness when I allow myself to focus in this way. To me, when this happens, I gotta look at what needs aren't being met, what I can do to necessitate change, and act on whatever I can to bring the focus back to healing.