Jealous of my therapist (again)

[Scarlet13]

Ok, so I may have done a jealousy of T post a while back, but I need to do another one.
A quick back ground: Due to having a baby and then taking psych meds I have been suffering with a bad reaction from the psych meds. It has been major sleep dep for years and the inability to tolerate supplements or other drugs. I am sloooowly getting better, but this has been medically traumatizing for me. My PTSD was made worse and contributes.
So the sleep debt has caused a myriad of issues: yeast, gut infections, adrenal fatigue and I can't just treat it easily. I am working with a new doctor and thinking "outside of the box."
Anyways, my issue is jealousy.
I cannot travel or do many things and this causes me to feel an "at large" jealousy.
It seems those around me are living life, getting promotions, going on vacations, being normal.
Including my therapist.
And this jealousy gets focused on her.
It is good that I don't know that she deals with shit, but not knowing her shit intensifies my jealousy of her.
This is all I know about her:
1. She is a very good therapist.
2. She is attractive and put together and healthy and quickly gets over colds (unlike me). I could be attractive and put together if I actually got normal, restorative sleep.
2. You can tell she sleeps. Sometimes I torment myself by imagining her day. How she languidly lies in bed and then sips coffee and goes on a run feeling fabulous.
3. She goes on fabulous vacations. She does not go into detail, but I know where she has gone.
4. She has a lovely family and is a wonderful mother. She will share "theraputic stories" about how she parents

Thats it. I don't know. I wish I knew that she has struggled, but I don't know if that would help, because of boundaries. We keep strict relationship boundaries due to my attachment/transference issues.

I have a psychistrist who has mentioned that she struggled with depression and this meant a lot.

But my T, is very much in the mystery.
I feel immensly connected to her and she understands, but I feel like shit and hate talking about my health issues that can trigger me because she sits in front of me and seems so perfect.
Has any one else struggled with this?

 

[MyWillow]

Yeah it’s funny how we have this idealised view of our Ts. Mine once shared - after session - how terrified she was when she was rushed by a dog when running and asked my advice as to what she should have done. Looking back now it was a clever way of engaging with me. I hate when I feel terrified.

Some other ways I like to look at it:

- they’ve done the work and continue to do the work
- it’s their job NOT to bring their shit to session
- because no doubt they have normal family shit going on too
- we are doing the work and we can get to that place too, whatever that looks like for us
- we have at least taken one step forward by choosing to turn up

My psydoc is like a female Yoda - so centred and energetic and even childlike when she giggles at something funny I’ve told her. She holds the space for me whilst I learn to do it on my own.

I’m just wrapped that I took time out for myself yesterday. Equine therapy, quiet lunch in a cafe and home to bed. That’s like MASSIVE for me!!!

 

[Stephernovas]

Ok, so I may have done a jealousy of T post a while back, but I need to do another one.
A quick back...

Because what therapist would share the awful times that they didn't have their shit together? Would you want to see someone who you perceive to be as equal a mess as your life may be at this current point in time? They get paid to present that they have everything under control and the therapeutic stories are told strategically for appropriate self-disclosure. Share you are envious of her, or whatever feeling word you want to attach. Sitting here hiding behind a computer telling us how unhappy you are because your life isn't as perfect as it appears to be for your therapist doesn't help. I actually told my physio I sometimes get so jealous of her (for various reasons), and she retorted with the fact that she gets paid to be happy and make the session about me, NOT about her. Plus, she pointed out that we don't know all the terrible stuff that goes on in their lives. So yes, you mostly see her highlight reel...but your response to that says more about you than her, as you know, so share and figure it out!

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re comparing your complete film to her highlight reel.

As long as you’re doing this, you will always come out as the loser.

 

[Emotional girl]

It is strange up until a few months ago I thought my T was the most perfect human being in the world.To me he seemed to have it all,the looks,the personality,the perfect family and his life experiences seemed amazing to me and I was jealous of him.
I would compare myself alot to him especially because we are similar age.However when my transference changed towards him 4 months ago I started to realise that he does have flaws and imperfections and that he is just a human being and in a way he has become more real to me rather than a person I was just idolising.
When I look back me comparing myself to him really didn't help my mental health and it was just another pressure I was putting on myself.
I think it this is a good opportunity for you to discuss how you are feeling towards your T and that you do feel a bit jealous of them and explore the reasons why.After all therapy is all about learning and relationships.

 

[grit]

Your therapy is working to put the beam on a major blockage for you: Envy (or jealousy though the two are different). I think the fact you are noticing this is great. It is good you are digesting this, your next step toward overcoming (if you are truly interested in this) is to bring it up to her. You could even preface it hope you do not take it personally, but I just feel your life is soo good in comparison to mine.

Just remember, this conversation will not (or may not) shed any light on her life but go the direction about where these feelings are coming from.

PS.
I will share a little story that I realized recently. I see my therapist weekly. I went into deep regression (so deep that I was crying for food and love for few months). Now, because I was in fear and terror for so long, I made a decision to cut the sessions. I reasoned that the intensity of therapy was too much to bear. He did not challenge or confront me when I shared my decision. Decision is made and starts in couple weeks. In the meantime, I found a group therapy. Now, you may ask, if therapy was too much for me with him, why am I adding a group therapy instead of keep seeing him? As I processed this recently, I realized, I hated my therapist and wanted to "punish"him by cutting the sessions. Only my adult side of it justified that therapy was intense. I was not aware of the baby punishing thing.It is obvious now therapy is not intense enough if I get a group therapy as well. (I am also aware my therapist did not confront me about the change so now he lost business as well) but I am happy with the group therapy and will not be changing back to weekly dyad.

My point is that "punishing" feeling is one of my baby parts that is not met in the past. I am punishing my therapist as I wished to punish my mother when she was the predator in my baby life.

Your envy is from deep place in your childhood. Baby envy is as strong as baby hate or baby anger or baby punishing. I hope you do not make the same mistake and make another decision to cover it. I hope you take it back to your therapist and hope you find what is causing this pain for you and I hope your therapist takes it seriously and helps you see the source - cause it aint she. That envy is against someone very close to you in the past. It is a very painful feeling. Probably one of the worst feeling a baby should have against anyone very close to them.

but it is workable topic since you are so aware of your feelings. Imagine if you were feeling it but could not name it! You are lucky to recognize it.

 

[Scarlet13]

Thank you for your response.

Sitting here hiding behind a computer telling us how unhappy you are because your life isn't as perfect as it appears to be for your therapist doesn't help.

I have already brought my jealousy up to her.
It got kicked off due to being ill and sleep deprived again. I don't appear perfect to her. Its the other way around.

It does help sometimes to sit down, hide behind a computer and talk about how terrible my life can be to others who may be able to relate.

In addition to PTSD, I am healing from the effects of psych meds. Drugs I took as prescribed that have disabled me, but I a mother and maintaining my career.

PTSD can also be disabling and especially when your system cannot sleep.
So, yeah I think it does help to grab a computer (or my phone) hide behind it (for a while) talk about my issues and get support.
I don't do this in the work place or to my children.

I am going to be bringing this up to my T this week and I find it helps to bring it up here first sometimes. This is a really awkward thing to bring up, so it helps me to feel a sense of control before I talk to my T about it, I have some self reflection.

 

[Scarlet13]

I love this analogy. Very helpful.

You’re comparing your complete film to her highlight reel.

I think all the things I am jealoud of are the things I feel deprived of:
Having energy to be the mom I want to be
Sleeping well, having vitality
Going on a vacation, feeling beautiful, relaxing
While its important to be greatful for what I DO have, seeing this points me in the direction of unmet needs.

This is very wise:

Your envy is from deep place in your childhood. Baby envy is as strong as baby hate or baby anger or baby punishing. I hope you do not make the same mistake and make another decision to cover it.

Yep, that would be from my mother who deprived me of a lot: my sense of self, having a voice, having control, being safe, getting love, normal family vacations, close family, feeling attractive and so on.

 

[blackemerald1]

It does help sometimes to sit down, hide behind a computer and talk about how terrible my life can be to others who may be able to relate.

Yep I can relate to this^^ This is partly why this site exists? :oops:

I also often wonder what is going on in my psydoc and T's lives. But I wonder that about my ordinary doc too. They are all so 'put together' but not remote. Which is of course the way it should be because I would never be able to deal with any of their problems. :eek:

@Scarlet13 - absolutely nobody gets a free ride through life. But you know this.

seeing this points me in the direction of unmet needs.

You will get to these needs and I am sure you are actually quite beautiful just as you are even when falling apart.:hug:

Can you imagine how well and put together you appear to other people who possibly do not know you.. people outside of your domestic, medical and psych., inner circle?

You would be really shocked at how other people either do not see or make assumptions that everything is fine with you.. even when you feel like it is written all over you.

 

[Scarlet13]

You are right. I am a teacher and artist, and I definately appear like I am put together and "secure". Some of my collegaues know about the sleep dep and the PTSD so I go out of my way to seem put together.
This whole cycle is apart of the problem.
I have gone through all of this, the drug withdrawal and have not let go of my life which is hard.
I use extreme self care and I can feel jealous of others who seem so happy. You take what you have for granted.
This just all makes it hard to talk to her as I feel like shit in front of her. I keep thinking I need to find a frumpy therapist, but I love her.

 

[Mach123]

I put her on a pedestal and made her the boss and after almost 5 years I don't know much if anything about her private life. It's better for me that way. She earned my trust I don't need to know anything else. I read her book. I know about her work. She has been wonderful with me. I wish her well.

 

[blackemerald1]

ust all makes it hard to talk to her as I feel like shit in front of her. I keep thinking I need to find a frumpy therapis

Maybe it's not jealousy you feel.

I try to look better than I feel most times when I have my consult's. It does take an effort.:rolleyes:

Do you feel unworthy of help from her? Or are you angry that you need help? Idk...

What would getting help from a frumpy T do for you hypothetically? I know you won't change but just asking...