Job is exasperating my symptoms

[Supervixn]

I work in a multi level but cozy office with a little more than 25 people. I try my best and keep to myself. Am polite and helpful but feel I'm often misread because I'm standoffish, quiet and very private.

All of their personalities and moods are exhausting to me. It makes my hypervigilence work in over drive as I'm trying to constantly read everyone and it's not like I'm consciously doing it. I'm in a front of the line position so I don't have a door to close or a place to hide or sneak off to.

I don't want to quit. I dont want to run away from my job. I want to learn to get through this and not let it totally mess with my energy, my emotion and my physiological system. I'm on an anti anxiety med and an anti depressant and yes I'm in therapy.

I don't feel I'm subject to attack but with cPTSD its a subconscious internal system reaction. If I'm asked anything simple or approached I'm wide eyed and physically and verbally ready to defend myself. I'm always polite I must stress, but I feel it all inside of me like God, I cant wait for this person to get away from me, I don't trust this. But I know it isn't logical. I can't seem to relax, or trust that I'm safe with people who haven't given me reason to believe I'm unsafe.

Help. Please. Anything

 

[EveHarrington]

You say you don’t want to run away, which I totally understand. However, with ptsd I think it’s important to accept that certain activities, jobs, people, etc will be a better fit for us than others. I fear you’re going to force yourself into making this job work when the truth may be that it’s just not a good fit for you given your symptoms. It’s not about trying to be like everyone else, or forcing yourself to do what everyone else can. I guess I see this more as a not so good job fit whereas you’re seeing it as a failure or running away?

 

[Supervixn]

Thank you Eve. Excellent point as always. I agree with you. I worry that it'll be this way anywhere I go and am not entirely sure where I'd go that wouldn't be as "triggering", for lack of a better word.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Is it that you prefer to isolate in general? Like in other areas of your life? You can’t just say I want to be this or that, but with CPTSD change is slow, almost glacial. I note that I have always chosen jobs where my duties are clear, but I work independently. And always with female dominated professions. Even when I worked in a huge teaching hospital, I was mostly on my own.
Is it possible that you anticipate negative reactions from others that then triggers your fight or flight system, ending up being completely overwhelmed? Could you work on letting go of trying to guess what others are thinking of you? I struggle with this anticipatory obsessive behavior. I have so many phobias. I’ve just changed jobs til I’ve found a mostly perfect career. I’m self employed and I take one client at a time and schedule breaks throughout the day. We just get overwhelmed so easily. If it isn’t a good fit, if it’s on your mind constantly, then maybe it’s time to shift to another position. But isolation is a hallmark feature, so you’re in good company here!!
In the meantime, taking some mindfulness meditation breaks during the day will at least keep your mind in the present more.

 

[Supervixn]

I have always chosen jobs where my duties are clear,

Thank you for your reply!! Yes, this is a huge problem at work... projects are always lumped onto me and I have more work than I can reasonably do. However, that's a common thing there. I have a lunch with one of the higher ups and want to ask for help with defining my job position there and setting up some boundaries with what's required of me. I feel I'm being taken advantage of also, and that there's very little organization...

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Supervixn.. I think that it would really help you if your job was defined alot more.

It is always hard to work with a group of people... But I think you're doing really well and should be proud of you....

Maybe a nice long walk in nature at lunch time might help... If at all possible... Take care

 

[jade53]

Does it help to say that I really understand and your biggest concern might be the same as mine was and might be worried about what happens if your level of tolerance is exceeded, (again)?

I'm betting that in the long run this ends up being a kind of personally tailored therapy that gradually helps you get over a few concerns.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good luck with your lunch meeting!

 

[Supervixn]

Thank you all so much. Absolutely fabulous advice and support from my friends who "get it"! I appreciate you all and will reread these responses when it starts to get to me again.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have similar things happen at my job too. Someone asked me a question today about a somewhat personal matter and it drove me into some kind of mental state that I cannot exactly describe, but felt very uncomfortable with. I have thought about all the ways I might need to answer that question if it is asked of me again. I gave a good answer today, just off the cuff, but I cannot give that answer over and over again, and I feel this question will be asked of me a lot. So I feel for you.

I think what I do, mostly, is to focus on my work as much as possible when things get rough. I do that naturally, I don't have to think about what to do, I just do it. Later on, when I am at home or somewhere else, I take deep breaths and wonder how I survived yet another day. When I am there though, all I can do is just barely do my job. I don't have an ounce of anything left to think of doing much else.

So when I get home, I do things that I enjoy, that calm me down, that relax me. That is my solution.