Journalling?

[GG-love]

So I have been trying to do a better job of journaling. I am working on my traumas this way at this time. I journalled yesterday and while it had some trying moments after I had a few observations that make me wonder and want another perspective on things.
First I found that I think for me journaling has to be in writing not on my computer. When I journal by hand I start off calm and with my normal nice handwriting. I can see the moment things become slightly stressful and when true anxiety sets in. I can see the ebb and flow of the emotional side.
My second observation was just now and I wonder if this is why some religions say we have to confess to another and why we seek out therapists. I am feeling that somehow it would be more healing to share. To know another person is aware of the situation and my pain from it. While now I have faced some of the feelings and all of the facts I am wondering if a journal on a shelf is enough of a release or if at some point this should be shared.

 

[GG-love]

After doing a personal trauma journal (not on the forum) yesterday about one of my traumas I had 2 observations.
1. That by not typing my experience and feelings I could clearly define moments of greater anxiety based on how my handwriting changed. I didn't realize in the moment it was changing only after as I looked back over 8 pages of writing did I see a progression to a different state. I will not often journal on my computer anymore as this is an important observation for me because it helped me identify certain stressor focal points.
2. That I may have gotten it all out on paper but that maybe it is in the sharing of experience that brings the ability to heal. I don't mind sharing the fact that certain things happened, or certain details, but the full details are known only to me. Those small, minute details and feelings are what seem to haunt me the most. Is this why we have religions that believe confessing to another our sins absolves them? Is that why we seek therapists? Those are what I am pondering...is the ability and the willingness to share the things we are most damaged by, the things that if we let them out of the box they will most likely swallow us in pain, what will allow the most healing to happen?

So my question is this. To Share or Not to Share. I already put it all into words. Words I doubt I could speak but they are in written form. If I share them who do I share them with? Who will read those words and not look at me with pity or judgment? For now they are there, in writing, and for now they will wait to be read by anyone other than myself. Maybe someday trust enough will be gained by someone and I will share them.

 

[jaccat]

Have you thought about keeping a trauma diary on this site? It is completely uncharacteristic for me- I write a lot but never share any of my personal stuff with anyone. But, with my Trauma diary, I am finding the thought of other people reading what I write is challenging me to write more, to be more honest with myself, and that in turn is helping me remember things I had forgotten and sort things out in my head. Also it's great getting supportive comments from other users who really understand where I'm coming from.

If you can't put in on the computer could you write it out first, then type it up? I get what you mean. If I type something up directly it comes out different to when I write it.

Alternatively, if you are able, is there a close friend you feel you want to open out to? (In this situation I would ask their permission and tell them what they're letting themselves in for).

Finally, if none of this is for you: when I was younger and in a truly dark place I imagined a pen friend that I addressed all my writing to. Sounds weird, but I could imagine her reading my stuff and sending me her support, and it really did help me through when I had no one else. Not as good as the real thing of course, but it still helped.

 

[Suzetig]

I journal a lot and always by hand - I know what you mean about seeing the ebb and flow of what you write, my writing changes depending on how I'm feeling - sometimes very clear, sometimes a complete mess and sometimes I get stuck mid sentence and don't finish. I also see a therapist weekly and sometimes I bring what I've journaled to therapy and sometimes I journal about what happened in session - the two sit hand in hand for me. I tried variations of online journaling but felt disconnected to what I was writing. Different strokes for different folks I think.

 

[shimmerz]

on how my handwriting changed

Brilliant. I have noticed this too. The keyboard is just not the same.

but the full details are known only to me. Those small, minute details and feelings are what seem to haunt me the most.

And this is exactly it. There are nuances, perspective, feelings, emotions, the 'look' and different body posturing of the abuser' that simply cannot be described. Nothing truly can be put into context unless we ourselves get beyond those things that haunt us enough that we can put pen to paper. I believe that where we stop being able to 'write' in detail is exactly where the work needs to be done in that moment.

the things that if we let them out of the box they will most likely swallow us in pain, what will allow the most healing to happen?

Slowly. Ever so slowly, and needless to say, to the appropriate person.

To Share or Not to Share.

Myself, I wish I hadn't shared. Not all of it to any one person(s). Not everyone is capable of understanding, of relating. Therefore I walk away feeling invalidated and second guessing myself.

Just my thoughts. Excellent post.

 

[Friday]

Have you read this thread?

Link Removed

 

[KwanYingirl]

It is said that we're as sick as our secrets. I am phobic about not divulging my story. The tortures that kept me silent are as insidious now as they were then. But I am working towards revealing it in hopes of quenching my anxiety.

 

[Nam]

I had two diaries on here. One was in the private diaries, and the other that I had started recently moved to Premium Private. I found that I was writing in a way that blunted how I truly felt if I knew that I was going to get responses. Part of it is that I know how hard this is. All of us are going through it at different intensities. I would hate to make someone feel worse for reading it. I know the opposite can happen, but I really fear causing harm. If it's just for me and only me, I'm pretty darn honest.

I'm in my mid thirties. I grew up learning cursive and proper letter writing and grammar. But I also grew up with the internet. With that, I became more reliant on my keyboard. My thoughts are fast and my keyboard can keep up before self doubt makes me change how I say it. I do understand the part about the handwriting changing. But for me, I don't need something to tell me I'm anxious. I already know.

Now I can't write at all! I wrote a check the other day and couldn't believe how crappy my handwriting is!

I think journaling is good as long as you are honest. If you are worried what someone might think or how someone might react, or if it's that part of you you despise and you're trying to stomp it down....you will not get out of journaling that you would otherwise.

Sharing your story is quite a different manner. I don't think journaling has to share your story. Most people's stories on here are not in a narrative because we don't remember it in such a way. We only see, hear, or feel certain parts only in segments. It makes it easier for us to digest than the whole thing at once with all the senses. I think it's better to write down how you feel. It can be about things currently. And if it feels like it's related to something in the past, explore that. Integrating how you feel today with events in the past make you heal. It makes it bearable. It also gives yourself some compassion. (And we all need some self-compassion.) Understanding helps too. If you can cognitively understand why and how you react this way, it will help in finding solutions to help yourself.

Rereading your journal will give you some valuable insights. I know that it did for me. It showed me that I had changed in a very slow pace for the better. Even with all the ups and downs, I got better. When we are in it, we can't see that. We can only feel that life is either getting worse or better. Journaling will help see the big picture. It will also help with memory. It's amazing how we forget the little victories along the way.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I journal constantly however I type mine up. I started when my original T suggested I kept flashback and anxiety notes.

These quickly became graphic accounts of trauma suffered. That then progressed to a timeline. I ended up where I am today, writing the journal into a book, a book detailing the numerous abuses and abusers I suffered.

Alike with the change of handwriting you mention, I find that when I am typing as my anxiety rises whilst journaling my typing speed increases ad I get into deep trauma. I usually end up having a full on flashback but with concentrating on the screen I channel these into the writings that I make. I am doing that right now as replying to this thread has triggered me, I also notice that my accuracy of typing, spelling and grammar change a great deal and I need not look at the screen as I know that there will be no mistakes as I am so focused on what I am typing at the time I am typing it.

I started with a basic skeleton of the book outlining a brief timeline and now I am filling out the muscles on that skeleton by expanding these. I find this kind of re-reading or exposure to be very therapeutic indeed.

 

[GG-love]

In this case I was journaling my story, its part of the process I am working through. There were 9 points about the experience I was writing about. I journal about other feelings and things as well but this was a specific journal experience that had me pondering. I was looking for responses to assist me in my pondering if sharing was worth it. (the two different posts have been merged, the first one I thought was lost so I reposted) I thank you all and appreciate all the kind words, support, and insight.

 

[GG-love]

@FridayJones I read the article. Thank you for pointing me to it.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I've got a leather-covered book with blank pages that I use sort of as a journal, only there's no way anyone could ever read what it says in context ever again, not even me (not that I want to read it). I write diagonally, in spirals, zig-zags, snakes, here and there... There's some sort of system and a "paragraph" will usually be the same way (there's no up and down in my book) and direction or gently turning and wrapping around/inside itself. I shape the words into figures, patterns, whatever... Sometimes I make drawings and fill them with words.

Each page is always filled completely with text. Letters all over. Some of it is super tiny, some bigger. Some in capital letters, some in regular. Sometimes I write in runes too, but I usually stick to the English language with the Latin alphabet. Whenever something hits my head and I feel like writing about it, I start on a page. I'm not done until the page is filled. If that's not enough, I do another page. That book is so important to me. There's more of me in the book than there is in me. It's part of me. If anyone tries to take it, look in it, or touch it, I become a momma bear (lol). When making sure I've got everything, I check for my book first, then phone and wallet.

I get to be creative, so it's a great distraction. I can't study my handwriting much (the lines kind of drown with each other), but I can tell from the figure, size and pattern how emotional I was at the time. Spirals are super-emotional. Straight lines means I'm pretty calm, or not feeling creative. Lots of mess means lots of mess (hint: the entire book is lots of mess).

To me what's important is write it, and then finish writing it. Don't start a sensitive topic just to live it written halfway through. Even if you end it with "I f*cking can't talk about this anymore I'll end up sobbing" that's better than stopping mid-sentence, because you had some sort of closure.